Strategies And Solutions For Dealing With Sibling Rivalry
Sibling rivalry can be a common occurrence in many families with more than one child, and it can manifest as jealousy, fighting, and competition for attention. Sibling conflict may occur as children grow and seek to separate themselves from their siblings as individuals while seeking more attention from their caregivers. Although this phenomenon can be a typical part of growing up, dealing with sibling rivalry and managing sibling relationships can be challenging for parents.
Developing a set of strategies or a cohesive plan to manage sibling rivalry may help foster positive sibling relationships and minimize sibling rivalry. In this article, we’ll explore what sibling rivalry is, how it looks, and some practical strategies for managing rivalry between siblings.
Understanding sibling rivalry
Competition or rivalry between siblings may be different for different families and may even look different between siblings within the same family. Depending on the age of the children, . Up until this point in the first child’s life, they may have captured the center of your focus. However, a new child means that your focus is now split in two.
Aging and sibling rivalry in children with siblings
As siblings age, individual personality differences may cause sibling rivalry. For example, if one child is very outgoing and the other is shy, then the outgoing child may overshadow and command more attention from the parents, or even from other children, which may create jealousy. Children may feel like attention is an all-or-nothing thing and compete with one another for recognition.
What is the root cause of sibling rivalry?
Generally, sibling rivalry can be cause by feelings of either jealousy or inequality in a sibling dynamic. There are quite a few possible causes for sibling rivalries, including
- Growing and developing personalities in children clashing
- A palpable difference in attention being given to each child
- Frustration and boredom in close proximity to each other
- Feeling that their relationships with their parents are in danger
- Stress from outside influences including parents, school, and other social situations
Parental influence in sibling rivalry
Even though you may never eliminate sibling rivalry completely, it can often be improved over time. When parents establish family rules and stay consistent with their application, while also making sure that each child's voice is heard, they may reduce competition and jealousy. This also may improve the children’s relationship with each other as well.
Common manifestations of sibling rivalry
The intensity and type of sibling rivalry may vary from family to family, but some common manifestations of sibling rivalry may include:
- Verbal conflicts. Siblings may engage in name-calling, arguing, or teasing. The aim may be to get a reaction from their sibling or from a parent or to make their sibling feel less important.
- Physical altercations. Pushing and shoving may be a common element of sibling rivalry as children experience difficulty controlling emotions. Children may engage in fights or physical altercations as a way to get attention or as a reaction to emotions that they do not know how to manage yet.
- Emotional reactions. Some children may experience strong emotions, such as jealousy or resentment toward their sibling. This may cause them to become socially withdrawn at home or refuse to interact with their sibling or parents.
- Behavioral issues. In the case of a newborn, older children may exhibit behavior regression in an attempt to get more attention. They may engage in behaviors that they see their baby sibling doing, even though they know that they are inappropriate.
Practical parenting solutions and strategies for managing and dealing with sibling rivalry in children
For families experiencing strong sibling rivalry, it may help to take a look at what is causing the feelings of jealousy or competitiveness. Although rivalry between siblings is considered common and even normal, it can increase in intensity and may become unhealthy. In some cases, sibling rivalry may mimic bullying that a child experiences at school, which can be detrimental to a child’s mental health. Some practical strategies and solutions for managing sibling rivalry include:
Promote positive interactions
Providing an opportunity for siblings to interact with each other in a positive way can be a way to help them connect with each other. Engaging in activities that require teamwork or foster collaboration or cooperation can reduce rivalry and improve sibling relations. As the children work together, the parent can provide authentic praise, focusing on how the two are helping each other.
The family can also set common goals or targets that they work together to accomplish. This may help children learn that siblings, parents, and the family as a whole are all on the same team. Rather than competing against each other, children can learn how much they can do when they work alongside their siblings.
Establish clear rules and consequences for each child
When parents establish and teach children clear and fair rules that are enforced consistently without bias, this can help to reduce sibling rivalry. One of the major contributors to sibling rivalry may be jealousy and a perception that one child is favored over another. However, by laying down rules and explaining why you are setting certain expectations, you may help siblings understand the thought process behind the rules and the logic behind the consequences.
While establishing clear rules may be a way to reduce sibling rivalry, it also may be best practice when creating expectations for only children as well. Children typically need a set of parameters with which to explore the world. These rules act as guidelines for behavior when a parent or caregiver is not present. To improve buy-in, parents can have their children help develop rules and expectations, creating a sort of family code that everyone lives by.
Foster individuality and fairness through equitable parenting
Children may crave to be seen as independent from others, especially their siblings. Participating in activities that foster and recognize individuality can help to facilitate independence. This may mean spending one-on-one time with one child while the other does something different. It may also mean the family celebrates each child for their own achievements without comparing one child to another.
In some families, there may be a tendency to compare a child’s achievements in sports, music, art, or school to those of their sibling. This can create an unfair and, in some cases, unhealthy form of sibling rivalry. This is why it may help to measure and assess each child against themselves, rather than against their sibling.
Improve communication skills
For some siblings, a rivalry or fight may develop due to a lack of communication skills. Developing strong communication and conflict resolution skills may reduce fighting and help siblings navigate difficult situations. Using conflict mitigation strategies, siblings can discuss their emotions and what they need to have their needs met. These strategies can also be a useful way to reason through actions after a child acts out due to strong emotions.
When children can communicate their feelings, they can allow the parent to act as a mediator and keep small problems from escalating. This process may also show the child that the parent is listening and cares about their needs, which may reduce some of the competition for attention. It may be important to note that identifying and communicating emotions can take time and practice for children.
Manage parental influence on sibling rivalries
Children are often compared to sponges who pick up on how others around them are acting. For parents, it may be important to model the behavior that they want to see in their children. For example, if a parent’s way of getting what they want is to raise their voice, the children may mimic this same behavior. Parents can practice being aware of how they treat others and discuss it with their children.
A note on favoritism in parenting
It also may be important for parents to be on the same page and avoid favoritism, developing consequences and goals that get applied to their children equally. By being clear and fair, parents can ensure that their children know what to expect and that they see that there is no preferential treatment.
Long-term strategies for reducing rivalry in a child with siblings
Managing sibling rivalry may be a long-term process that involves building emotional intelligence, empathy, and self-control. These skills may help your children not only get along with their siblings but also socialize well with friends and acquaintances in the world. By creating a supportive environment that fosters independence, parents can help their children create habits that will last a lifetime.
Does sibling rivalry ever go away?
While usually, sibling rivalries will lessen or mellow as children age into adulthood and finish the hormonal changes that come with puberty, it’s still possible for the root cause of the rivalry to cause it to continue into adulthood. In these cases, the relationship between the siblings might be more deeply affected, and may cause tension in the family, especially if the rivalry ever devolves into intense fighting or falling outs.
How to resolve conflict between adult siblings
Adults still living with pronounced and detrimental sibling rivalries should seek independent support for their relationships; as much as parents may want to help, they are adults who have agency over their decisions and should manage them responsibly. It might be worth it for siblings to spend time together having open, honest, and non-judgemental conversations about what they feel is causing the conflicts in their relationships.
Dealing with sibling rivalry in adult families
An intense sibling rivalry in adult family situations can be stressful. If this is the case in your family, it might be worth encouraging those involved to seek therapy. Individual therapy can support healing from childhood feelings of inadequacy while family therapy sessions can help to repair family dynamics and build healthier relationships to each other.
Getting support with sibling rivalry and parenting challenges
In some cases, sibling rivalry may be persistent or may impact the mental health of your children. In these cases, it may be beneficial to work with a mental health professional or family therapist. A therapist can work with the family as a whole to identify sources of jealousy or competitiveness and offer solutions based on their observations.
Online therapy for parents
As a parent, you may also benefit from individual therapy. By caring for your own mental health and well-being, you may be better equipped to manage the stress of sibling rivalry and parenting in general. If your schedule doesn’t allow time for traditional in-person therapy, you might consider online therapy. With online therapy, you can speak with a licensed therapist via audio, video, or live chat from home or anywhere with an internet connection. You can also contact your therapist 24/7 through in-app messaging, and they’ll respond as soon as they can.
Takeaway
Also, if you’re a parent dealing with sibling rivalry, you may also benefit from individual therapy, whether in person or online. With BetterHelp, you can typically be matched with a therapist within 48 hours and then schedule a session at a time that suits your schedule. Take the first step toward getting support as a parent and contact BetterHelp today.
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