Tips For Coping With Family Estrangement

Family estrangement is when communication is intentionally cut off between family members due to a conflict of some kind. It can last for long, uninterrupted periods—even years or decades—or there may be intermittent times of reconciliation. Family estrangement can occur between parents and adult children, between siblings, or among extended family members, and there may be many possible reasons for it. 

Family estrangement may be far more common than people realize. Some research suggests that as many as one in four people report being estranged from a family member, and each person may experience it differently. For some, it may be a relief and bring peace. Others may find themselves feeling isolated, angry, or sad. Either way, here are some tips for coping with family estrangement that may help.

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Common reasons for family estrangement

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Estrangement can happen after a single conflict or from a “final straw” moment after tension has slowly accumulated and eroded a relationship over time. Some psychologists believe that family estrangement is rarely due to a short-term issue and is more likely to result from something that has been brewing over time, culminating in one, final incident that’s too extreme to come back from or reveals problems or differences that seem unlikely to resolve.

How to cope when you’ve distanced yourself from a family member

If you’ve decided to cut off contact with a family member, you may have mixed feelings. This decision is likely not one you made hastily or took lightly, but it can still be challenging to cope with. Here are some things you can do for your mental or emotional health if you’re experiencing family estrangement. 

Stick to your boundaries

If you’ve set a boundary on communication with an estranged family member, such as not wanting them to contact you, it’s okay to stand firm—particularly if you feel that your emotional or physical safety may be at risk. Just be sure that you’ve clearly communicated your limits and are prepared to stand your ground on them if you receive pushback.

Accept how you feel

Everyone’s experience with estrangement is different. Whether it stemmed from countless small transgressions over time or a single, explosive conflict, however you feel about it is valid. Allowing yourself to experience complex emotions without judgment and express them in a healthy way can be crucial for your emotional well-being, since research suggests that judging your own thoughts, feelings, and inner experiences may be linked to depression and anxiety.

Be kind to yourself

Being estranged from a family member can be difficult, whether it was your decision or not. Acting with self-compassion—which researchers define as “being supportive toward oneself when experiencing suffering or pain”—can be productive and may support overall well-being. What you’re going through is difficult, so acknowledging that and being gentle with yourself may help you avoid additional mental stress.  

Reconcile only if you’re ready

Many people may feel pressure to reconcile with their family members, but every situation is different. Some things you might want to ask yourself when determining if you’re prepared to reconcile include: 

• Have you taken time to work on yourself?
• Have they had enough time to do the necessary work to reflect on and plan to repair the relationship?
• Do they understand why you made the choice that you did?
• Are they aware of your boundaries and what you would need to move forward with reconciliation?
• Have you been honest with yourself about your role in the estrangement?
• Are you in a good emotional space to talk about your family’s challenges? 

It’s worth noting that you don’t have to reconcile if you don’t feel ready to. In this case, you can kindly explain to your family member(s) that you’re still not ready to communicate and will get in touch when you are. 

How to cope when a family member has distanced themselves from you

If you have a family member who has cut off contact with you, you may be confused and lack understanding about what happened. Or, you may have a clear understanding of the situation but feel that the core of your conflict is currently unresolvable—or your family member may feel that way. If someone has set a boundary of no contact with you, you generally must respect it—but there are some things you can do to help yourself move forward in your life and care for your mental health in the meantime. 

Grieve in a healthy way

Grieving the relationship that you once had with this person can be an important part of coping with estrangement in a constructive way. Even if you end up making amends in the future, moving through any grief you may feel now can be important for your present mental health. Research suggests that avoiding grief can prolong it, so letting yourself feel it and coexisting with it in a healthy way can be key.

Surround yourself with social support

You don’t have to give up hopes of reconciliation, but embracing the relationships you do have may help you cope with estrangement. Keep going to family gatherings, adopt a new pet, or join groups in your community to allow yourself to feel connected to others. In addition to providing emotional support, building or maintaining these close social connections may help increase your stress resilience.

Forgive yourself and your family member

It can be hard to forgive someone who has cut you out of their life or to stop blaming yourself for your role in the estrangement, but it is possible. Be gentle with yourself, and examine your role in what happened so you can try to do better in the future. Likewise, forgiving the other person for mistakes they made or harm they caused along the way may be helpful too, so that resentment doesn’t build and harm you or your potential future with this person.

Accept what is

It may be tempting to beg for a reconciliation or continue to fight the estrangement, but accepting it is often the best way forward. Ultimately, the decision may not be up to you. Keep your heart and your door open in case a reconciliation ever is on the table, but trying to force one can often drive the wedge even further.

Considering therapy to cope with family estrangement

Family estrangement can be painful and complicated. No matter which side of it you may be on, a therapist can help you understand the factors that contributed to the estrangement and support you in coping in a healthy way. 

Talking about such deeply sensitive, personal topics can be difficult, so some people find it more comfortable to speak with a therapist over the phone or via video from the comfort of home rather than in person. Online therapy can offer this kind of flexibility, so you can speak about what’s troubling you from your own space without having to commute to an office. 

In addition to being flexible and convenient, research suggests that online treatment can also be effective for addressing a variety of emotional and mental health challenges. For example, the findings of a review of 14 studies on the topic suggest that online cognitive behavioral therapy led to a 50% improvement in symptoms of multiple mental health conditions including depression and anxiety and significantly decreased the impact of stress and chronic fatigue.