Tips For Coping With Family Estrangement
Family estrangement is when communication is intentionally cut off between family members due to a conflict of some kind. It can last for long, uninterrupted periods—even years or decades—or there may be intermittent times of reconciliation. Family estrangement can occur between parents and adult children, between siblings, or among extended family members, and there may be many possible reasons for it.
Family estrangement may be far more common than people realize. Some research suggests that as many as one in four people report being estranged from a family member, and each person may experience it differently. For some, it may be a relief and bring peace. Others may find themselves feeling isolated, angry, or sad. Either way, here are some tips for coping with family estrangement that may help.
Understanding estranged families: Common reasons for family estrangement
If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.
Estrangement can happen after a single conflict or from a “final straw” moment after tension has slowly accumulated and eroded a relationship over time. Some psychologists believe that family estrangement is rarely due to a short-term issue and is more likely to result from something that has been brewing over time, culminating in one, final incident that’s too extreme to come back from or reveals problems or differences that seem unlikely to resolve.
Experiencing family estrangement: How to cope when you’ve distanced yourself from a family member
If you’ve decided to cut off contact with a family member, you may have mixed feelings. This decision is likely not one you made hastily or took lightly, but it can still be challenging to cope with. Here are some things you can do for your mental or emotional health if you’re experiencing family estrangement.
Stick to your boundaries with your estranged family member
If you’ve set a boundary on communication with an estranged family member, such as not wanting them to contact you, it’s okay to stand firm—particularly if you feel that your emotional or physical safety may be at risk. Just be sure that you’ve clearly communicated your limits and are prepared to stand your ground on them if you receive pushback.
Accept how you feel with your family estrangement
Everyone’s experience with estrangement is different. Whether it stemmed from countless small transgressions over time or a single, explosive conflict, however you feel about it is valid. Allowing yourself to experience complex emotions without judgment and express them in a healthy way can be crucial for your emotional well-being, since research suggests that judging your own thoughts, feelings, and inner experiences may be linked to depression and anxiety.
Be kind to yourself
Being estranged from a family member can be difficult, whether it was your decision or not. Acting with self-compassion—which researchers define as “being supportive toward oneself when experiencing suffering or pain”—can be productive and may support overall well-being. What you’re going through is difficult, so acknowledging that and being gentle with yourself may help you avoid additional mental stress.
Reconcile only if you’re ready
Many people may feel pressure to reconcile with their family members, but every situation is different. Some things you might want to ask yourself when determining if you’re prepared to reconcile include:
- Have you taken time to work on yourself?
- Have they had enough time to do the necessary work to reflect on and plan to repair the relationship?
- Do they understand why you made the choice that you did?
- Are they aware of your boundaries and what you would need to move forward with reconciliation?
- Have you been honest with yourself about your role in the estrangement?
- Are you in a good emotional space to talk about your family’s challenges?
It’s worth noting that you don’t have to reconcile if you don’t feel ready to. In this case, you can kindly explain to your family member(s) that you’re still not ready to communicate and will get in touch when you are.
How to cope when a family member or an adult child has distanced themselves from you
If you have a family member who has cut off contact with you, you may be confused and lack understanding about what happened. Or, you may have a clear understanding of the situation but feel that the core of your conflict is currently unresolvable—or your family member may feel that way. If someone has set a boundary of no contact with you, you generally must respect it—but there are some things you can do to help yourself move forward in your life and care for your mental health in the meantime.
Grieve in a healthy way for your mental health
Grieving the relationship that you once had with this person can be an important part of coping with estrangement in a constructive way. Even if you end up making amends in the future, moving through any grief you may feel now can be important for your present mental health. Research suggests that avoiding grief can prolong it, so letting yourself feel it and coexisting with it in a healthy way can be key.
Surround yourself with social support from families, adult children, and friends
You don’t have to give up hopes of reconciliation, but embracing the relationships you do have may help you cope with estrangement. Keep going to family gatherings, adopt a new pet, or join groups in your community to allow yourself to feel connected to others. In addition to providing emotional support, building or maintaining these close social connections may help increase your stress resilience.
Forgive yourself and your family member--be it an adult child, a parent, or a sibling
It can be hard to forgive someone who has cut you out of their life or to stop blaming yourself for your role in the estrangement, but it is possible. Be gentle with yourself, and examine your role in what happened so you can try to do better in the future. Likewise, forgiving the other person for mistakes they made or harm they caused along the way may be helpful too, so that resentment doesn’t build and harm you or your potential future with this person.
Accept what is
It may be tempting to beg for a reconciliation or continue to fight the estrangement, but accepting it is often the best way forward. Ultimately, the decision may not be up to you. Keep your heart and your door open in case a reconciliation ever is on the table, but trying to force one can often drive the wedge even further.
Considering mental health therapy to cope with family estrangement
Family estrangement can be painful and complicated. No matter which side of it you may be on, a therapist can help you understand the factors that contributed to the estrangement and support you in coping in a healthy way.
Talking about such deeply sensitive, personal topics can be difficult, so some people find it more comfortable to speak with a therapist over the phone or via video from the comfort of home rather than in person. Online therapy can offer this kind of flexibility, so you can speak about what’s troubling you from your own space without having to commute to an office.
In addition to being flexible and convenient, research suggests that online treatment can also be effective for addressing a variety of emotional and mental health challenges. For example, the findings of a review of 14 studies on the topic suggest that online cognitive behavioral therapy led to a 50% improvement in symptoms of multiple mental health conditions including depression and anxiety and significantly decreased the impact of stress and chronic fatigue.
Takeaway
How common is estrangement from parents?
Until recently there has been relatively little data on family estrangement other than anecdotal evidence, but over the past three decades psychologists have been taking a closer look at this phenomenon and have found that it is fairly common. In a large-scale national survey, 27% of Americans reported estrangement from a family member, with 1 out of 10 saying that they cut off a parent or child. So around one out of four Americans have cut off one or both parents or other family members—a significant number.
How to deal with an estranged family?
If you are struggling due to family estrangement, family therapy may be able to help you work through specific family issues, and determine what family dynamics may be contributing to the situation.
Family sociologist Karl Pilner and co-founder of the Cornell Legacy Project conducted the first broad reaching survey on family estrangement and has written a book on healing family ties. He has found that with work many families can repair their relationships, and in the majority of cases when they have done the work they are happy they did. Joshua Coleman is a clinical psychologist and contributing writer to a number of peer-reviewed articles who also seeks to raise awareness about healing family rifts. Coleman told interviewers that often a parent feels shame when they are estranged from their children, but often complex challenges have contributed to the estrangement and may be addressed and healed with work on both sides.
Is it okay for adult children to be estranged from family?
Yes. Typically, young adults who are estranged from older parents have tried other avenues, making a concerted effort toward healing. They’ve tried to raise awareness about past trauma, set boundaries, and even gone low contact or limited contact before they’ve chosen estrangement as the healthiest thing for themselves.
In any case, whether or not to cut ties can depend on the dynamics of your own family, and your own mental health. Society has changing notions around the idea. Younger generations have demonstrated higher standards for healthy relationships, and don’t sacrifice their own well-being to “save face” or because of a sense of duty.
What is family estrangement?
Family estrangement is a cessation of direct communication between two family members due to conflict. Very often estrangement blindsides one party, while the other has been struggling with the build up over a long period of time. In general, young people are more in tune with the idea of estrangement as trauma today is more recognized and there is less stigma around calling it out. Older adults often feel hurt when a close family member cuts ties, and may have trouble taking responsibility for their own part in the estrangement.
What is estrangement in psychology?
The psychology definition of estrangement is “a state of increased distance from oneself of others or decrease in contact where close contact once occurred.”
What mental illness causes estrangement?
There is no one mental illness that causes estrangement, and there may be none involved at all. In recent years there has been a new sense of what constitutes abusive or problematic behavior, and what an acceptable response looks like. Many a mother or father is blindsided when an emotionally abused child goes no contact, despite their own estrangement being in plain sight over the years.
What are the effects of estrangement?
Estrangement is a loss of connection and relationship and can be extremely distressing to both the person being estranged, and the one who decided on the estrangement. So much so, that research has found that many who decide to end contact with another family member often go through periods of no contact or low contact, and reconciliation…often with another family member acting as a go-between.
What to do when a family member cuts you out of their life?
While being estranged can be painful, studies show that it is not often permanent. If you are cut off because of who you are (as in the case of a parent cutting off their child because of their sexual orientation), you do not owe that family member your allegiance, and you may choose to walk away. However, if you are cut off by someone and you aren’t sure why, you may want to listen to their reasons.
Many continue to be estranged because they refuse to look at their own behavior. There are family support resources available if the other party is willing to work things out. Or if not willing, you may want to try a support group. Peer groups, whether in-person or online support groups, can help you work through any issues and share your experiences with others in the same situation. There are a number of nonprofit estrangement groups available, and you can find them by searching online.
Is family estrangement a trauma?
Family estrangement is a common result of trauma.
What is the root of estrangement?
According to data, estranged parents are most often cut off by their children due to childhood abuse, including physical abuse, sexual abuse, or emotional abuse. In the case of an estranged child cut off by their parents, the most common reason for estrangement is disapproval of someone in the child’s life such as a romantic partner or stepparent. An example of this would be evangelical parents who cut ties with a child because they are LGBTQ.
Certain family members may distance themselves from the family unit due to unhealthy family relationships (cousins, aunts, siblings, etc.) because of challenges like substance abuse, neglectful behavior, or family politics.
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