The Effects Of Family Conflict On Child Development

Most children have witnessed their parents arguing at least once, and family conflict is not always harmful to children. For example, when parents have mature conversations to resolve arguments, children can learn healthy approaches to conflict resolution. However, research suggests that some characteristics of family conflict can cause short- and long-term harm to child development. 

Why parental conflict is a problem

Parental conflict may be harmful to children when it occurs frequently, when the arguments are hostile, and when the arguments involve raised voices and verbal insults. Physically aggressive arguments and conflicts involving the silent treatment can also cause harm, as can conflict that involves the child or threatens the intactness of the family.

What the research says

Some research shows that children as young as six months may experience distress when their parents fight, showing anger, fear, sadness, and anxiety. Children may have various physical health problems, experience disturbed sleep, or have difficulty focusing at school. Some children externalize these feelings by being hostile, aggressive, or anti-social; others may internalize their feelings and experience anxiety, depression, or withdrawal. Children who grow up in high-conflict homes may also be more likely to experience challenges with problem-solving skills, interpersonal skills, and social competence. 

The issue of attachment

Parental conflict may have this effect on children for many reasons. Research suggests that parents who are in high-conflict relationships tend to engage more in aggression, criticism, hitting, shouting, and threatening behavior. Some adults in conflict-filled relationships may engage in inconsistent or lax parenting or may not pay enough attention to their children. In these situations, children may be unlikely to form secure attachments with their parents as a result.

Other factors to consider

Research also suggests that not all children respond to conflict in the same way. Many variables can impact how a child copes with family conflict, including age, temperament, coping strategies, and how the child responds to stress. 

Some family characteristics also seem to make a difference. Attachment to parents, sibling relationships, and parental depression or substance use can all affect how a child reacts to conflict.

Long-term effects of family conflict on child development

A child’s emotional security is essential for childhood development and can be affected by the child’s responses to family conflict. Children want to feel emotionally secure within their family system; when they experience anger and conflict, this security can be undermined, which can lead to maladjustment and behavior problems. Conflict can make both the parents’ relationship and the parent-child relationship seem unstable.

Tendency to internalize problems

Research suggests that conflict can have long-term effects on children. One study on the effects of family conflict on child development followed children from ages 2 to 10. When the children in this study were 2, parents were asked to report conflicts, and trained observers gave attachment security scores after observing how the parents and children interacted. Parents then rated their children’s tendency to internalize problems when the children were 10.

Fluid cognitive performance 

The researchers found that maladaptive marital conflict “increased internalizing problems 8 years later due to the undermined security for girls, whereas negative emotional aftermath of conflict (unresolved, lingering tension) increased internalizing problems for both boys and girls.” 

Research has also found that stress from living in a high-conflict home may negatively affect fluid cognitive performance, as well as increase the chances that children will have unhealthy adult relationships. Parental conflict can lead to delinquency, aggression, and difficulty adjusting to school.

Development of mental health challenges in children

Several studies have found that parental conflict can lead to mental health challenges, too. Parental conflict has been linked to eating disorders, substance use, low self-esteem, and a more negative outlook on life. However, children who have been exposed to parental conflict don’t necessarily have to develop these mental health challenges. There is help available through therapy, whether individually or as a family.

How to support children after family conflict

Parents can help their children with conflict in the immediate aftermath by both getting and providing ongoing support. Having constructive conflict or raising your voice occasionally does not mean that you have done long-term damage to your child. There are steps you can take following the argument to help your children cope. 

Talk about the argument

First, it may help to talk about the argument. You don’t have to tell your children the details of the argument, but you can say something like “Your dad and I were arguing about something that we both felt really passionate about, and we got out of hand. We are sorry, and we will work to avoid such escalation in the future.”

Reassure your children

Then, you might reassure your children that it was just an argument and that it doesn’t mean that the family is falling apart. To restore your children’s sense of stability, you can assure them that you are still a strong family unit and that sometimes arguments happen, even when people love one another. However, it is very important to say only what you sincerely believe to be true. Children need to trust their parents, and this is dependent upon parents being honest to the extent such information is age-appropriate.

Seek help from professionals to manage the effect of family conflict on child development

If you have frequent conflicts or are considering getting divorced or splitting up, you may need to seek additional help. While there may not be a quick fix to some family problems, there may be some things parents can do to improve the familial relationship.

Participate in parenting programs

Participating in parenting programs that focus on the relationship between parents may help. Programs aimed at helping new parents by promoting relationship skills and realistic expectations, encouraging couples to prioritize their relationships, and educating them about parenting can positively affect communication and relationship satisfaction. Couples who are going through divorce can also look for programs that can help guide them through the process so that they can help their children learn to cope in healthy ways. 

Try to limit the children’s exposure to conflict

When you fight, try to do it in specific areas in the home where your kids are not present to help keep sensitive topics away from their ears. Do your best to practice calm and respectful communication with your spouse. You can also plan together for handling arguments. For instance, you might agree to take a timeout if discussions get too intense and come back to the conversation when both of you have calmed down.  

Try couples therapy

Couples therapy may also help. If you and your partner have decided to work through your challenges and stay together, working with a couples therapist may help you strengthen your relationship and identify and cope with challenges before they get overwhelming. Couples therapy may help with any problems impacting your relationship, including difficult communication, emotional distance, or a breach of trust.

Consider individual therapy

Individual therapy can also be a beneficial option. If you are in a relationship with conflict and are unsure if staying is what’s best for you or your children, therapy can be a way to get support and guidance to help you make an informed choice. You may also want to consider therapy if you grew up in a home with a lot of conflict and want to understand more about how your family psychology may be affecting you and what you can do to move past the effects of these family relationships.

Online therapy with a mental health professional

If you’re interested in therapy but don’t have time as a busy parent, you might consider online treatment. With an online platform like BetterHelp, you can work one-on-one with a licensed therapist from the comfort of your home at a time that works for your schedule. You can connect with a therapist via audio, video, or live chat. 

Effectiveness of online therapy

In addition to being a flexible and convenient way to get therapy, online therapy has been shown to be effective. One study showed that most couples found therapy via video chat to be “beneficial and positive,” and a 2021 study found that online therapy was “no less efficacious” than in-person therapy. 

Conflict can affect families in many ways

Talk to an online therapist for support