I Hate My Mother: How To Work Through Hatred Toward A Parent

There can be many valid reasons you might think "I hate my mother" —but even so, it can be beneficial to let go of hatred and other negative emotions for your own sake. 

Self-reflection and forgiveness can go a long way in helping you work through feelings of hatred toward a mother or a father. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean you’re saying that what happened between you and that person was okay or acceptable, or that your parent has permission to continue the behavior that led to the hatred in the first place. Instead, many see forgiveness as the art of letting go of hate and rage for your own sake—possibly offering you positive effects seen in your mental health as well as your relationships. 

Read on to learn more about supportive strategies that can help you to successfully address hatred you may feel toward a parent—preserving and safeguarding your mental health. 

"I hate my mother"– Are my feelings about my parent valid?

The short answer to this question is generally “yes"; your feelings can be valid regardless of whether others agree with them. Acknowledging this validation can be beneficial to your mental health. After all—it’s not always fair to expect others to feel an obligation to respect and love others simply because they are related. It can be normal for mothers and their children to experience some degree of animosity at various points during their lives.

While hate is a strong word, allowing yourself to say “I hate my mother” or honestly allowing yourself to experience the feelings that can come if you hate your mother can be a helpful step as you work to move forward. If you feel guilty, you may be inhibiting your ability to progress and cope with the situation. Although it can be uncomfortable to admit that you feel hatred, it can be natural to experience this type of emotion when the person who should have served as your role model was instead abusive or toxic during your childhood or even your adult life.

If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.

Once you begin to remain honest about your relationship with your mother, you can begin to regain control, set boundaries, and pursue healthy relationships elsewhere. Admitting “I hate my mom” to yourself may be the beginning of your healing journey.

If you feel you’ve been wronged, hurt, or treated poorly by your mom or someone else in the home, it can be natural to have feelings of hatred, anger, or animosity toward them. After all, this is a lived experience. However, it may not be beneficial to feel guilty or ashamed of how you feel. Instead, it can help to acknowledge and accept your feelings regardless of how uncomfortable they may be. If you’re experiencing a strong emotion, there’s likely a reason behind it. When you establish boundaries with a toxic mom or dad, you may be able to participate in the relationship in a way that works for you.

We do want to acknowledge those that may experience the other elements of the process as well. For example: You may feel that the emotions you have may help you prevent yourself from getting hurt in the future. Many times, hatred toward parents or siblings can be a way of shielding yourself from further harm. However, even if you have a good reason for keeping these emotions front-and-center in your brain, many report feeling guilty over them—or feeling as if they have to stifle these feelings to “be mature” and to “move on.” 

No matter what phase of the healing process you find yourself in, online therapy can help. So can working through your hatred in a hands-on, engaged way—which we cover below.

How does working through your hatred help?

It can be important to your mental health to confront these feelings and learn to navigate them. This process of self-discovery may help you develop a better relationship with your emotions.

Harboring hatred and allowing yourself to feel it every time you think about your parent may negatively affect your relationships with others. Online therapy and peer support can be helpful first steps to take as you learn to find peace despite what you have survived.

Overcoming feelings of hatred and other negative feelings

There are many strategies you can try to help you move past emotions of hatred and anger:  

Self-reflection

Self-reflection be a helpful step as you begin the process of addressing pain and hatred. To start, you might want to take a moment to journal about your feelings as you answer the following questions:

• What caused your hatred or led you to feel angry? Was it something your parent did? Did you feel neglected, unimportant, or abandoned? Was their parenting style cruel or ineffective?
• Was there a misunderstanding or miscommunication underlying relationship tension? 
• Were your boundaries not respected? If not, how so? 
• How have the events in question affected you, both now and when you were a child? How do you feel about these consequences?
• What, if anything, could be done to make things better? 

These questions and others can help you to kickstart your discovery of the cause of these feelings. Putting your emotions into words may also give you a better ability to connect with how you’re feeling with others. 

Forgiveness

Forgiving your parent can be a great step toward getting over the feelings you’re experiencing. However, it can be important to understand that forgiving someone has no timeline. It can take a long time to forgive truly. 

It may also be helpful to know what forgiveness is and what it isn’t as you move forward. Forgiveness can be a choice, and it can mean different things to different people. Generally, it can refer to releasing any negative feelings you may be harboring toward another person, such as a toxic mother or father.

It can be best to ensure you’re in a safe space emotionally as you begin on the road toward forgiveness. If you’re not sure if you’re ready yet, speaking with a therapist can provide that clarity. 

Potential negative impacts of not forgiving your parent

While forgiveness can be difficult, refusing to forgive someone can come with its own set of frustrations or “side effects.” Some risks of unforgiveness can be:

• Chronic stress responses
• Eating disorder formation or an increased risk of developing eating disorders
• Depression
• Anxiety disorder formation
• Anger
• Bitterness
• A loss of valuable relationships
• Feelings of low self-worth

Positive impacts of forgiveness

Improved mental health

Letting go and offering yourself and your parent forgiveness can boost your feelings of wellness and can improve your self-image. Practicing self-forgiveness may result in lower levels of depression and nervousness. Additionally, self-compassion can often be associated with higher levels of success, self-esteem, productivity, focus and concentration.

Improved physical health

People who forgive themselves and others frequently can experience more energy and better physical health on average, per the American Psychological Association.

Healthier relationships

A compassionate and forgiving attitude toward yourself and others can be critical to successful social relationships. Being able to forge close emotional bonds with other people can be important—and so might be the ability to repair those bonds when they become fraught or damaged. Life is generally too short to hold on to grudges and spend time resenting others. You may find that the other person is just as willing and wants to forgive as well.

Stress relief

Putting a heavy (or even light) burden on yourself for too long can be emotionally and physically excruciating. Forgiveness can allow you to let go of the burden and experience relief of chronic stress. In this way, it can be a form of self-care.

How can online therapy help? 

Sometimes, it can be helpful to get an outside perspective on the situation. Speaking with a licensed mental professional like a therapist may offer you a chance to receive advice and guidance that can help you begin to move on. Online therapy can be a more convenient option for many who wish to work through their feelings discreetly, without the strain of having to travel to do so. 

The toll that chronic stress or strong emotions can take on your mental health can be significant, whether you’ve been diagnosed with a mental health condition or not. Online therapy has been scientifically suggested to be effective at addressing symptoms of depression, anxiety disorders and other mental health concerns that are often tied to feeling negatively about a parent. 

One review of over a dozen studies on online cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) found that many patients experience significant improvements in symptoms of depression. This finding generally indicates comparable benefit associated with online therapy compared to what a patient may expect from in-person therapeutic intervention.