Codependent Friendship: Understanding Emotional Support And Codependent Relationships
Friendships are meant to be a source of joy, mutual support, and companionship. However, when the dynamics shift into an unhealthy balance of give and take, the relationship may veer into something potentially harmful: a codependent friendship. Unlike healthy friendships, which nurture both individuals, codependent friendships often leave one person feeling overwhelmed and the other overly reliant. We’ll explore the signs and impacts of codependent friendships.
What is codependency?
Codependency is an imbalance in a relationship where one person takes on the role of the caretaker while the other becomes dependent on them for emotional support, validation, or other needs. In a codependent relationship, there is usually a giver and a taker, and the roles can become entrenched, making it difficult for either person to change their behavior.
Codependent friendships can take on this dynamic just as romantic relationships can. One person becomes the perpetual source of help, advice, and support, while the other relies heavily on their friend for emotional sustenance. These friendships can be draining, leaving the giver feeling as if they must always put their friend’s needs before their own, while the taker may feel lost without constant support.
A codependent relationship can take many forms
Though codependency is often discussed in the context of romantic relationships, it can arise in almost any relationship where one person assumes too much responsibility for another’s well-being. For example:
- Friendships: One codependent friend may continuously sacrifice their own needs, or rely entirely on the other for support, leading to a dysfunctional dynamic.
- Parent-child relationships: A parent may over-nurture their adult child, fostering dependency and preventing growth.
- Work relationships: One colleague may constantly take on tasks or responsibilities to “help” a struggling co-worker, leading to burnout.
Common signs of codependent friendships
In a codependent relationship, one person might:
- Feel responsible for fixing the other’s problems, even to the detriment of their own well-being
- Experience anxiety when their friend or partner isn’t around
- Neglect their own needs, continually prioritizing the other person’s emotional state or mood
On the other side, the dependent individual may:
- Rely on their friend or partner to make decisions for them
- Seek constant validation
- Feel incapable of coping with challenges on their own
Understanding codependent tendencies
Codependent tendencies often emerge from attachment styles formed early in life, where one person becomes overly focused on meeting the needs of another to feel secure or valued. The giver often has an anxious attachment style, seeking validation through caretaking, while the taker may exhibit avoidant tendencies, relying heavily on the giver for emotional reassurance without reciprocating.
These patterns are reinforced as the giver feels needed and the taker grows increasingly dependent on their friend's constant support. Over time, this attachment-driven cycle deepens, making it harder for either person to set boundaries or nurture their own emotional well-being.
The potential impact of a codependent relationship
Codependent relationships are built on an imbalance of power. The giver often feels validated by their role as the caretaker, while the taker becomes emotionally reliant on their friend for support and stability. While this might seem harmless in the beginning, it can quickly spiral into a dysfunctional relationship where both individuals lose their sense of autonomy.
The dynamic is often reinforced by a deep-rooted need for validation from the giver and a desire for support from the taker. Over time, this cycle becomes self-perpetuating, making it harder to establish healthy boundaries.
What do codependent friendships look like?
While codependent friendships often go unnoticed compared to romantic relationships, they can be equally damaging. The giver-taker dynamic erodes the foundation of healthy friendships, leaving both parties feeling trapped and unable to escape the emotional cycle. In these friendships, boundaries are blurred, and it becomes difficult for either person to differentiate their own needs from the other’s.
Signs of codependency in friendship
There a number of a signs that may indicate a codependent friendship, such as:
- One person is always trying to fix the other’s problems: In codependent friendships, the giver often feels the need to solve their friend’s issues, regardless of the toll it takes on them.
- One person needs to be rescued: The taker frequently relies on the giver for emotional or practical support, often without offering anything in return.
- Anxiety about the relationship: The dependent friend may feel anxious or fearful that the friendship could end, leading to obsessive behaviors or clinginess.
- Burnout: Over time, the giver may experience emotional burnout from constantly being the source of support.
- Heavy reliance on the friendship: Both parties may become so enmeshed that they struggle to function independently.
- Emotions mirror each other: The giver and taker may find that their moods are in sync, with one friend’s mood negatively affecting the other’s emotional state.
- Individual choices are rare: Codependent friends often struggle to make decisions independently, always seeking approval from each other.
- Streamlined opinions: To avoid conflict, one friend might suppress their own opinions, opting to go along with the other’s viewpoints.
- The relationship is emotionally draining: Codependent friendships often leave little room for other relationships or self-care, leading to exhaustion.
- One person’s needs always come first: A hallmark of codependency is that one friend’s needs consistently take priority, leaving the other feeling neglected.
Codependency vs. emotional support
It’s important to differentiate between providing emotional support and falling into codependent behavior. Emotional support is a vital part of any healthy friendship, where both parties feel comfortable sharing their struggles and offering help in return. However, in a codependent friendship, the support is one-sided, with one person usually giving and the other usually taking.
Examples of healthy emotional support
Healthy friendships involve mutual care and consideration. In a balanced friendship, both individuals typically:
- Feel comfortable expressing their emotions without fear of judgment
- Offer and receive support equally, without feeling obligated to “fix” each other
- Respect each other’s boundaries and individuality
- Take responsibility for their own emotions and actions
In contrast to codependent relationships, healthy emotional support fosters growth, independence, and mutual respect.
Healing a codependent friendship
While it is possible to heal a codependent friendship, it tends to take time, self-awareness, and a willingness from both friends to change the dynamic. The first step is recognizing the unhealthy patterns and deciding to make a shift toward a more balanced relationship.
Identifying codependent friendship tendencies
If you suspect your friendship has become codependent, it can be helpful to take a step back and assess the dynamics. Are you constantly putting your friend’s needs before your own? Do you feel guilty when you assert boundaries? Is your self-esteem tied to how well you can support your friend? Alternatively, do you feel like your conversations are always about your needs and problems and not theirs? Do you feel anxious making decisions without your friend’s input? These are key indicators of codependent behavior.
How therapy can help
Understanding codependency is often the first step toward creating healthier patterns in friendship and in relationships overall. Therapy can be a powerful tool in helping individuals understand and overcome codependent tendencies. A therapist can guide you through the process of setting boundaries, building self-esteem and self-worth, and learning healthier ways to navigate friendships.
The benefits of online therapy
Online therapy provides a convenient way to work on your mental health from the comfort of your home. For those facing challenges with codependent friendships, online therapy can offer a safe space to explore the roots of these patterns and learn how to build healthier, more fulfilling connections. Additionally, research suggests that online therapy can be equally as effective as in-person therapy in many cases and is often more affordable than traditional in-person sessions without insurance.
Takeaway
What is a codependent relationship?
A codependent relationship hinges on one person constantly giving and the other person becoming overly dependent on that giving. The partner in the giver role provides emotional validation to the other party at the expense of their own well-being. In this kind of relationship, decision-making is skewed toward the needs and feelings of one partner, causing the other to neglect their own life and emotional needs. Codependent relationships often lack boundaries, leading to emotional distress and a loss of identity for the codependent one.
What is a codependent person?
A codependent person tends to prioritize their other friend’s problems over their own. This person constantly gives to others, often at the cost of their own well-being, to feel valued.
Codependent people rely on emotional validation from others and often feel distressed when they don’t spend time in a close friendship that centers on their caretaker role. If their efforts to help go unacknowledged, a codependent person may become upset. They may also feel jealous when their friend starts spending time with others.
What is emotional dependency in friendships?
Emotional dependence occurs when a person relies excessively on their friend’s behavior for emotional support and external validation. This kind of friendship often lacks a healthy relationship dynamic, causing one party to feel stifled. Emotional dependency can result in a person spending time with the other out of fear of losing them rather than mutual enjoyment.
What is codependency in relationships?
Codependency describes a relationship where one person’s self-worth derives from another’s continual validation. While codependent partnerships might seem like healthy relationships due to shared emotions and closeness, they create an imbalance where one person takes on the giver role, and the other becomes overly dependent on the emotional support. This imbalance makes sense to the codependent party, however, as their identity and emotional needs are tied to the act of selfless giving.
How can you break a codependent friendship?
It is crucial to practice self-care and learn to prioritize your own emotional needs over those of others. Try setting and maintaining boundaries in your codependent friendship and engage in activities that help you rediscover your sense of self outside of the friendship.
Communication is the foundation of interpersonal relationships, so talking openly with your friend about needing space can help both parties transition to a new dynamic as smoothly as possible. Consider seeking support from a mental health professional as you navigate the shift.
Can a codependent person love?
A codependent person can love, but their love may be entwined with an unhealthy need to feel validated. While their love may be genuine, it may lack the foundation of mutual respect and independence that characterize healthy relationships.
Who is prone to codependent friendships?
People who derive their self-worth from external sources may be prone to codependent friendships. This may occur due to having experienced emotional neglect or other traumas in the past. Most people who have a difficult time setting boundaries or have a fear of social isolation may also gravitate toward codependent dynamics.
What are the five core symptoms of codependency?
The five core symptoms of codependency are as follows:
- Difficulty making decisions without input from the other party.
- An excessive need for approval or validation from others.
- A tendency to put others’ needs above their own personal well-being.
- An obsessive focus on the other person’s problems and behavior.
- An inability to set or maintain healthy boundaries within close relationships.
Why is it called codependency, and is it different from emotional support?
Codependency is rooted in a mutual (co-) reliance (dependency), where one party depends on giving emotional support and the other on receiving it. While the intention of emotional support is part of codependency, it is different from authentic emotional support in that it is often based on a fear of losing the relationship rather than a genuine desire to help it. Codependency is more of a drain on a relationship than a sturdy foundation.
Can codependency be healthy?
Codependency is rarely healthy because it limits personal growth and prevents all parties from maintaining a sense of self and independence. Healthier relationships, in contrast, experience balanced emotional support and mutual respect for each other’s individuality and life outside of the relationship. While elements of a codependent relationship (e.g., spending time together) can feel fulfilling, they must be altered to avoid emotional distress.
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