Exploring Changes In Friendship And Their Impacts

"Growing apart doesn't change the fact that for a long time, we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. I'm grateful for that." —Allie Condie, Matched.

Humans grow and change with time, and friendships may not be different. As you age, the values and interests that inspire and motivate you can shift, and the qualities you look for in friends can change, too. It may be healthy to explore how your relationships with friends can evolve or fade and how specific support resources may help you express your thoughts and feelings while understanding and reciprocating care and communication with close friends. 

It's natural for friendships to go through changes as you do. Every connection may not be lifelong. In some cases, ending a friendship can be healthier than continuing to force it or staying in an unbalanced relationship. Maintaining long-term friendships requires effort on both sides and communication, understanding, and compromise. 

How can changes in friendships affect you? 

Realizing that your friendship is changing or that you are growing apart from your friend can be a painful and confusing experience. Connections often fade without consistent effort from both parties, and changing circumstances may not allow you to remain a significant part of each other’s lives. You may experience a range of emotions when a person who was once one of the most essential parts of your world becomes an acquaintance. 

How these shifts can impact mental health

You may experience multiple psychological symptoms as your friendships change. Losing a close friend can cause a racing heart, fixation on the problematic relationship, worry, and numbness or loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed, often called anhedonia. Left untreated, the symptoms can worsen and develop into depression, dominating your mood with a sense of helplessness, worthlessness, and hopelessness. 

Why do friendships change?

Your relationships with people may change over time as you do. Your values, morals, and way of managing conflict can evolve as you mature, learn, and grow. 

Whether you grow in different directions, one of you doesn’t want to adapt, or you no longer want similar goals in life, friendships may not survive evolution in every case. Below are some of the most common causes friendships may change. 

Growing apart and evolving with time

You may be a different person at 25 or 35 than you were at 15. You may mature emotionally, altering your values in life, friends, and relationships. Your friend may also change or stay the same. In some cases, friends stop talking because one friend has grown and the other has not. These changes often don’t feel good, and they may lead to resentment or confusion for both parties. 

Changes in fundamental values

When your fundamental values change, and you find yourself at odds with your best friend, it may create tension in your bond. For example, someone may come out as LGBTQIA+ and discover a close friend harbors negative opinions about them. Some may choose to educate their friend and help them broaden their horizons, but others may decide to end the friendship to safeguard their mental and emotional well-being.  

If you’re an LGBTQ+ youth or young adult in crisis, reach out to The Trevor Project hotline by calling 1-866-488-7386 or texting “START” to 678-678. You can also use their online chat. 

Spending time with new friends

You may meet new people at work or expand your social circle by interacting with friends of friends. The same may be true for your close connections. Some high school graduates may pledge undying friendship to their best friends but get caught up in their daily lives with college, work, or other commitments. When you meet new people who seem to fit your current dynamic better, it may be difficult to maintain old friendships. 

Unequal or unhealthy changes in friendship dynamics

Maintaining healthy, lasting friendships with an unequal dynamic between people can be difficult. If one person consistently takes without ever giving in return—emotionally or physically—the friendship can become draining and harmful.   

Busy lives and obligations

As you age, you and your friend may become busier, facing numerous obligations for time and attention. Social connections may fall down the priority list compared to career ambitions, romantic partners, children, and other commitments. However, valuing friendships on the same level that you value other relationships may be a way to focus on mending this challenge. 

New relationship or conflict with partners

If you or your friend gets into a new relationship, you may notice the focus shift to a new partner. You may also spend less time with each other if you have conflicts with a friend’s significant other or if they have conflicts with yours. 

Lack of communication

Communication is often considered the core of healthy friendships and relationships. However, for communication to be healthy and effective, it must flow in both directions and be assertive. If one of you doesn’t answer messages or make an effort to maintain your connection, it may fade. 

New job and time commitments

Starting a new job may come with new scheduling commitments, making spending quality time with friends more complicated. If both of you work full-time on different schedules, you may only have time to meet on your days off if they align. 

How to maintain friendships through significant changes

If you’re worried about losing your friends when going through significant life changes, it may be helpful to keep the following tips in mind: 

• Make an effort to talk to your friends when you can. A quick text message or a few comments in a group chat may help you connect. 
• Understand that you or your friend may be busier than usual, and you may have to compromise or devise new ways to spend time together.  
• Try to schedule regular in-person events, such as a monthly dinner, movie night, or day trip adventure. 
• Communicate your intention to maintain the friendship and act accordingly. 
• Use text messages and social media to keep communication flowing when you can’t meet in person. 
• Talk about how your friendship changes and how you can meet each other’s needs. 

Changes in friendship over time

How you form connections with your friends, what you seek from the relationship, and how you contribute to your shared bond may change as you age and your emotional capacity grows. Below are a few life stages you may encounter: 

• Childhood friendships may focus on having fun, adventuring through the carefree landscape of your early years together, and discovering how the world works. 
• Adolescent friendships may evolve into deeper complexity, involving sharing feelings, insecurities, and potential hormone-fueled drama encapsulating teenage years. 
• Adult friendships may center around mutual emotional support, celebrating the meaningful moments in each other's lives, and developing a deeper understanding and acceptance of a few close friends over multiple casual friends. 
• Older adult friendships may focus on supporting each other through the unique challenges of later life. Studies show that social connections can significantly improve physical, emotional, and cognitive health, extending life expectancy.

When should you let a friendship go?

Friendships may become toxic or unhealthy over time. If a friend consistently lies, belittles, or intentionally hurts you, you may know the friendship is unhealthy. However, you can also look for subtle clues that it may be beneficial to move forward, including but not limited to the following: 

• You’re the only one communicating or making an effort.
• Your friend frequently asks for a “favor” but rarely helps you.
• You have vastly different values or life goals.
• Your friend refuses to talk about alcohol or substance use disorders or seek help for these challenges. 
• The friendship doesn’t give you positive feelings and leaves you drained or hurt.

If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources.

Support for navigating changing friendships

It can be normal to desire lasting, healthy friendships. However, growing apart from friends can be a part of life. If you have difficulty expressing your genuine thoughts and feelings to your friends or maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships, consider working with a licensed counselor. If you face barriers to talking to a therapist in person, you can also try an online telehealth therapy platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples. 

Exploring friendship and more in online therapy

Through an online platform, you can connect with a licensed therapist via phone, video, or live chat sessions. In addition, you can choose a session time each week that works for your schedule, including outside of standard business hours in some cases. Online therapy may also be more cost-effective, as the therapist can cut costs like office rental and parking. 

Therapists often use treatments like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) to help clients explore the connection between how they think and what they feel. Numerous studies show that online and in-person CBT treatments offer comparable results. Clients also frequently reported more cost-effective programs, shorter wait times, and a more comprehensive network of licensed therapists with teletherapy platforms.