Friends That Become Family: Chosen Family As A Support System

Many people are familiar with the saying, “Blood is thicker than water,” but fewer know the full version of this Biblical quote, which is: “Blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb.” This verse can be interpreted as a recognition of the fact that sometimes, we can build even closer, more meaningful relationships with friends and others we choose than we can with our families of origin. Here, we’ll explore the concept of chosen family, the potential health benefits of having these types of relationships, and how therapy can equip you with the skills to build and maintain meaningful connections. 

What is chosen family? 

While chosen family is a common term among LGBTQIA+ individuals and in refugee communities, it can be used by any friends regardless of gender, sexual orientation, age, socioeconomic class, race, or other factors. As the quote above explains, the term “chosen family” refers to people with whom you’ve built close, familial relationships despite not being from the same family of origin. Some chosen families may even choose to live together, raise children together, or do other things typically done by traditional families despite not having traditional connections. This concept expands the definition of family to validate all types of intimate, supportive connections a person might have in their life. 

Signs your friends are your chosen family 

Each chosen family is different. That said, here are some common signs that your friends might function as your chosen family: 

• Your connections rarely involve jealousy, judgment, resentment, guilt, or suppressed anger. You want the best for each other and openly discuss issues to work through them together.  
• You can reliably count on your chosen family to be there for you––and not just for the fun or convenient parts of the relationship. 
• They've seen you at your best—and worst—and love you anyway.  
• You respect one another's emotional and physical boundaries. 
• The connection feels natural and there's always something to discuss together.  
• You can sit in comfortable silence together. 
• You can be authentically yourself with them.  

How can friendships affect health and well-being? 

Studies indicate that social isolation can have a dramatic negative impact on mental health, mood, and behavior as well as long-term well-being. In contrast, the research suggests that healthy friendships and other social connections can provide numerous potential benefits to your mental, physical, and emotional health, including but not limited to the following. 

• Improved physical health and life expectancy. Research suggests that strong and reciprocal relationships with your family and/or chosen family may boost your health and help you live longer. Researchers at Stanford University credit close social connections with a 50% increase in longevity.
• Improved mental health. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), having close social connections can also improve mental health and factors related to mental health. For example, they may reduce the risk of anxiety and depression or improve the ability to manage symptoms. They may result in improved sleep as well, which can affect mood and health. Plus, emotional support and a listening ear from a friend can help you manage emotions and feel supported. 
• Increased resilience. The friends who become family often form the foundation of a person's emotional support structure. Research suggests that having close social connections like these may increase your stress resilience and make it easier to recover from distressing situations.  

Common reasons a person may build a chosen family 

Some people with a close-knit chosen family also have strong ties with their family of origin, but this is often not the case. In many situations, people cultivate and rely on a chosen family as their sole source of social support because they’re not able to do that with the family they came from. In some cases, members of a person’s family of origin have died or live far away, causing the individual to seek out social support close to home. 

In other cases, individuals turn to chosen family because they’re unable to find safety, acceptance, and/or support in their family of origin, such as in instances of: 

• Abusive family members, either in past or present 
• Untreated substance use disorders or other untreated mental illness within one’s family of origin, which can make it difficult to maintain safe and stable relationships 
• Lack of emotional support from one’s family of origin 
• Lack of acceptance for one’s identity, such as for individuals in the LGBTQIA+ community

Potential benefits of friends who become family 

Of course, close relationships of virtually any kind can bring potential benefits, since humans are wired for connection. When it comes to those who are surrounded by chosen family in particular, one of the key benefits is typically profound emotional support and a sense of belonging and acceptance. This can be especially important for those who have been rejected or abandoned by their families of origin. 

In addition, the fact that you’ve chosen each other can be a powerful thing. It’s possible to know someone your entire life and have little in common with them or much more than a surface-level connection. In contrast, your chosen family likely becomes so because you’ve shown mutual interest in getting to know each other’s personalities, needs, dreams, and preferences over time in order to build your relationship. In other words, another of the key benefits of chosen family is just that: you chose each other and accept each other for who you are and want to be. 

Finally, chosen family members often find healthy, practical ways to communicate with one another, allowing the connections to develop into a more profound, familial love. For many people, these imperfect but loving connections represent the first in their lives that have involved healthy ways of relating to each other. 

How to get support in building relationship skills 

While having close friends who you consider to be family can be beneficial in many ways, it’s not always easy to forge these types of connections. If you’re looking for help building relationship skills like communication and boundary-setting or would like support in coping with traumatic or difficult family situations from the past, therapy might be worth pursuing. A trained therapist can help you work through difficult emotions and build a toolbox of skills to improve your connections.  

If a busy schedule or a lack of nearby providers makes it difficult or impossible for you to regularly attend in-person therapy sessions, you might find online therapy more convenient. With a virtual therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched and meet with a licensed therapist remotely from the comfort of home at times that work for your schedule. Research suggests that online therapy can be as effective as in-person treatment in many cases.