How To Check In With Your Friends When Times Are Tough

In recent years, many of us have become familiar with the term, “we are living in unprecedented times.” This phrase typically refers to the onslaught of humanitarian, environmental, and social issues the global population has faced in recent years, namely, the Covid-19 pandemic. 

Amidst these complex circumstances, the significance of checking on our friends' well-being and mental health has never been more clear. This article aims to provide practical insights on how to recognize signs that your friends may be going through tough times and offer valuable guidance on reaching out and providing the support they may need. 

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Facing the facts: Mental health and loneliness epidemic

Though nurturing friendships and providing support to our loved ones experiencing a hard time has always been of great importance, examining the facts surrounding the current mental health and the loneliness epidemic emphasizes the critical need to check in on your friends, especially in today's challenging times. 

According to a report published by the U.S. Surgeon General’s office, approximately half of U.S. adults reported experiencing significant levels of loneliness, even before the COVID-19 pandemic. In an article published by National Public Radio (NPR), Surgeon General Vivek Murthy highlighted the impact of rapid societal changes, including frequent relocations, job transitions, and the transformative influence of technology on interpersonal communication:

"In the last few decades, we've just lived through a dramatic pace of change…,” said Dr. Murthy. “We move more, we change jobs more often, we are living with technology that has profoundly changed how we interact with each other and how we talk to each other." 

Along with these drastic societal shifts, research shows the COVID-19 pandemic further exacerbated mental health issues, leading to increased levels of anxiety and depression. Many individuals have experienced profound losses, ranging from loved ones and jobs to financial stability and relationships, significantly affecting their ability to function fully. 

Knowing when to check in

As we touched on in the previous section, as modern life becomes increasingly busy, it can be difficult to know when to check in on someone. When we haven’t heard from a friend in a while, we might fall under the assumption they simply do not want to talk, but this is not always the case. In many cases, this can be a sign that a check-in is in order. 

In an article published by CNBC, Dr. Thema Bryant, president of the American Psychological Association, explains four common indicators a person might be in need of additional support, or a simple friend-to-friend talk. 

1. Disappearing act: During challenging times, some individuals tend to isolate themselves instead of seeking support. If it's been a while since you've heard from or seen your friend, this could be a red flag.

2. Self-destructive behaviors: Pay attention if you notice increased alcohol consumption or late-night eating habits. Your friend may casually mention these changes, possibly using humor, like consuming a significant amount of ice cream at midnight.

3. Irritability: If your friend reacts more strongly to minor inconveniences than usual, it might indicate that they are not doing well emotionally.

4. Self-defeating talk: Be alert for statements where your friend expresses self-doubt or unworthiness, such as questioning their employability or desirability. These generalized negative comments suggest they could benefit from support.

If you observe any of these signs in your friend, consider reaching out with a short text or over the phone. 

How to check in on your friends: The do’s and don’ts 

Whether your friend is grieving the loss of a loved one, navigating an unexpected medical diagnosis, coping with mental health challenges, or simply feeling overwhelmed by the demands of daily life, it's crucial to recognize that each situation is unique. Regardless of the circumstances, experts say there are specific actions someone in need may or may not require.

The following do’s and don’ts can help you check in on your friends in more productive and helpful ways. 

Do: Check in on yourself first

Ensure that you are in the right headspace to have a conversation, have enough time, and can follow through on offering help or engaging in a meaningful conversation.

Don't: Reach out if you feel overwhelmed

If you are feeling burned out or lacking the capacity to help, it's okay to take a step back. Recognize your limits and avoid reaching out if you cannot offer genuine support.

Do: Get specific/help without prompting

Reach out with a specific task in mind, such as offering to pick up groceries, walking their dog, babysitting their kids, or delivering a meal. Consider practical assistance like sending a gift card for meal delivery or a thoughtful card to show that you are thinking of them. Always gauge how much you can handle before offering help and ensure you can follow through.

Don't: Ask how you can help

Avoid putting pressure on your friend to quickly figure out their needs by asking, "How can I help you?" This may be overwhelming, especially if it's the first time they've needed help or if they are accustomed to handling everything on their own.

Do: Ask open-ended questions

Engage your friend with open-ended questions to encourage them to share, such as "What has this week been like for you?" or "How are you managing everything that’s on your plate?"

Don't: Give unsolicited advice

Resist the urge to provide unsolicited advice. Instead, focus on actively listening and offering support without pushing solutions onto them.

Do: Validate difficult feelings

Acknowledge and validate their challenging emotions without judgment, allowing them to express themselves freely.

Don't: Invalidate/minimize

Avoid minimizing or invalidating their feelings. Let them share their experiences without downplaying their struggles.

Do: Offer words of encouragement/affirmations

Share positive affirmations and words of encouragement to uplift their spirits. Remind them of your positive feelings toward them, as this can be particularly helpful during tough times.

Don't: Assume they know your positive feelings

Don't assume that your friends know your positive feelings about them. Reaffirming your support during difficult times can make a significant impact.

Do: Allow them time to respond

Give your friends the time and space they need to respond to your messages or offers of support.

Don't: Take it personally if you don't hear from them

Recognize that everyone handles challenges differently, and tough times can make people busy or overwhelmed. Don't take it personally if you don't receive an immediate response.

Is someone you love struggling?

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Knowing when to ask for help

When it comes to supporting friends and loved ones during challenging times, it is important to acknowledge that providing adequate support requires feeling supported yourself. While you may have every intention of reaching out to friends in need, doing so can be extremely difficult if you are also in need. 

Life’s challenges impact every individual differently. Accepting and processing your own trials and tribulations can be crucial for fostering empathy and supporting others, but this cannot often be accomplished alone. In this regard, online therapy emerges as a valuable resource, particularly in the context of the pandemic, offering a COVID-friendly avenue for individuals to receive professional support and navigate their own challenges.