How To End A Friendship Amicably
Strong and supportive friendships can be an important part of life. However, holding onto friendships that have become difficult or even toxic can cause harm to your mental health. With that said, ending friendships can be difficult and painful. In general, it can be best to communicate honestly while focusing on your own emotions, rather than your friend’s potential flaws or missteps. You may wish to give them a phone call or write them a letter if you’re feeling apprehensive about having this conversation in person. After you’ve ended the friendship, it’s often ideal to maintain distance from your former friend and reach out to a licensed mental health professional for support.
When is it time to end a friendship?
From an outsider’s perspective, it’s often easy to spot a toxic friendship. However, it can be more difficult to see these changes when you are one of the people involved in the relationship.
Platonic relationship: How to end a friendship
While many people recognize the harm a toxic romantic relationship can cause, it can be important to recognize that platonic relationships can also cause harm. Unlike romantic relationships, friendships dissolve or gradually fade out without drama frequently. However, in the same way as you might end a romantic relationship, it’s best to consider the other person’s feelings even if you believe they’ve done something wrong.
If you find your friendship is not meeting the standards for a healthy friendship, you may find the relationship straining.
Signs that may indicate it is time to end a friendship
They get jealous when you spend time with other friends.
Interacting with your friend leaves you exhausted, upset, or frustrated.
They insult your interests, goals, and/or choices, potentially leading to a decrease in your self-confidence and feeling sad.
They always choose how you spend time together and are not open to your opinions.
You find you cannot be your true self around them.
They seem to try to make you feel guilty when you cannot spend time with them, such as telling you that they feel neglected.
They do not respect your boundaries and text or call you more than you have expressed you would like.
You feel unsafe around the person or you fear for your family around them.*
Experiencing one of these signs doesn’t necessarily mean you need to end your friendship. It can mean that you need to honestly communicate your thoughts and desires with your friend. If you find your friendship has not changed after an honest conversation, it may be time to end the relationship.
If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.
How to end a friendship
Whether your friendship is frustrating, boring, or disrespectful, taking precise steps can make ending the friendship as easy as possible. While the “breaking up” process can be difficult, you may find that you feel better on the other side if your actions align with your beliefs and morals. However, if you act out of anger and rage, you may find yourself regretting your actions later.
Communicate honestly and effectively
If you know why you need to end your friendship, it can be best to communicate with your friend honestly and transparently. You might let your friend know you would like to meet and have a conversation about your friendship so they are not blindsided.
When you talk, the aim may be to honestly express your feelings. However, this generally doesn't mean degrading the other party or belittling their character or personal traits.
Tell your friend why you're stepping away
Let’s say you interpret that your friend is no longer taking your interests and thoughts into account, and they only spend time with you when it is convenient for them. Rather than pointing the finger and calling them “selfish, rude, and inconsiderate,” you could say, “I do not feel comfortable expressing my interests around you, and I’m finding it difficult to connect when you don’t respond to my requests to spend time together”.
By framing your thoughts around statements like “I sense,” “my interpretation,” “I feel,” etc., you can move the conversation toward your thoughts and feelings rather than your friend’s potential flaws.
Talk to your friend politely
With this said, it can be important to realize that even if you are polite and tactful, the conversation may not be happy and carefree. Depending on the nature of the friendship, the other individual may be secretly harboring similar feelings that they are hesitant to express, or they could be shocked and angry when you express your feelings.
If you perceive that your friend may become angry or violent, it’s usually best to meet in a public place or have a conversation over the phone.
Consider writing a letter
If you are worried your friend will become violent or that you won’t be able to express your true feelings face-to-face, you may want to consider writing a letter. Some individuals find that it can be easier to write rather than speak their thoughts. If you decide to send a letter, you can choose whether you want to meet with your friend to discuss your thoughts and obtain closure on the relationship.
Notify mutual friends
When you go through a friend breakup, it's considerate to explain the matter to any mutual friends so you can maintain healthy relationships with them. This can help to avoid any sense of awkwardness or confusion.
Either discuss it with each person directly or discuss thoughts in a respectful, brief message. Instead of talking about the negative impact the person you’ve ended the friendship with may have had, it’s often best to focus on your own feelings and explain that you feel bad for any way this action impacts the lives of mutual friends.
Remember to reassure them that your decision doesn't mean you want them to stop spending time with the connected friend. Instead, offer to maintain open communication for any questions or concerns they might have as your friendship ends with this person.
Former friends: Steps to take after ending the friendship
After you end a friendship, it’s normally best to distance yourself from this person. This distance may help create closure for both individuals.
Even if you ended a friendship on amicable terms, you may feel guilty or worried about your former friend’s feelings. These feelings can be valid and do not necessarily mean you should re-engage in the friendship. However, just because your friendship is not right at this moment, it doesn’t mean you can’t return to it later.
How to end a friendship temporarily
If you think you just need a break from your friendship, you can speak with your friend to decide on an established check-in date. At this date, you can resume contact and see if you would like to continue the friendship.
Understand the adverse impacts of toxic friendships on mental health
While it’s often difficult to end unhealthy friendships, the effects of not ending them may be even more difficult. Adverse and stressful relationships have been linked to poorer health when other factors were taken into account. Prolonged stress can also cause issues, including headaches, shortness of breath, and increased heart rate.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help on how to end a friendship
Ending a friendship can be a difficult, intimidating, and scary process. However, you don’t necessarily have to complete these actions alone.
If you need help determining whether to end the friendship or are seeking support to end the friendship, connecting with a therapist may help. If you decide that you would like to end the friendship, a therapist can support you during and after the process.
Coping with negative feelings when friendships end
As mentioned above, it’s often natural to experience a combination of guilt, doubt, grief, and relief after ending the friendship. You may also interpret that you don’t desire healthy relationships, or that your friend is right in some of their perceptions of you. Forming a relationship with a therapist may help you improve your self-esteem and develop supportive friendships. However, connecting with a therapist in person may be intimidating or difficult to fit into your schedule. If that’s the case for you, online therapy may be a more convenient option.
Consider online therapy
Research has suggested that online therapy can be just as effective as traditional therapy when it comes to treating conditions like depression, anxiety, and adjustment disorder. This suggests that online therapy could be just as effective as in-person therapy for improving feelings of guilt and the sense of low confidence that may come with ending a friendship.
Takeaway
While healthy friendships are often an important part of life, sometimes friendships can become distant or unhealthy. If a platonic relationship is negatively impacting your mental health, it may be time to end the friendship. Remember to be honest and upfront with your perceptions and feelings, and don’t be afraid to ask for help in navigating this transition. An online therapist can be a valuable resource as you move through this process.
How do you know when to end a friendship?
There is not a clear answer regarding when exactly a friendship should end. Good friends typically enjoy each other's company, support each other through adversity, and treat each other respectfully. If your friendship once had those elements but doesn’t anymore, it might be time to end it. Ending a friendship can conjure tough emotions, and many find it challenging to move on from old friendships, but letting the relationship expire will likely make room for more rewarding friendships in your life.
How do you end a friendship nicely?
If you feel that a friendship must come to an end, it is often helpful to give an explanation to the person who you are ending the friendship with. However, regardless of the reason, letting someone know you don’t want to be friends often ends in hurt feelings. Communicating with the person in writing may be helpful to avoid awkward in-person encounters. Take time to consider your words carefully and what information you want to communicate about why your friendship is not a good fit. Ensure you are respectful and kind, and wish them well for the future. Even though sharing the truth can be challenging, even in writing, most people agree that communicating about the end of friendship is kinder than simply cutting someone off or “ghosting” them.
How do I politely stop being friends with someone?
A well-thought-out note is often effective for ending a friendship without toxicity. Ultimately, the person you no longer want to be friends with will be hurt, but letting them know what to expect moving forward is generally considered much kinder than simply cutting them off. You may want to share details about why the friendship is ending, but taking extra time to ensure you communicate with kindness and sensitivity will likely be worthwhile. If the person was an old friend, they might appreciate knowing details and may even be understanding, but it will still likely be helpful to take extra steps to avoid conflict.
How can you end a friendship by text?
Ending a friendship by text is typically considered kinder than cutting contact with a particular person without warning. The general idea is that communicating about why the friendship is ending is more respectful than ghosting a former friend. They can make up their own mind about the resilience of the friendship, and although they may be hurt, they will likely be hurt less than if you had simply cut contact. If you like, you can chat with them about why the friendship is ending, but taking steps to ensure that the person does not renew their hope in the friendship will likely be helpful.
What is a toxic friendship?
A toxic friend is typically someone who does not value your friendship and may not treat you respectfully or kindly. Examples of things a toxic person might do include spreading rumors behind your back, lying to you, putting you down in front of others, or using you for your skills or resources. They might invite you to join them on a trip with others, only to spend significant time teasing you to make themselves look better to others. They might struggle with healthy boundaries and make you uncomfortable when discussing past events, such as a shared school history. Clinical psychology research suggests that a toxic relationship can have a substantial adverse impact on mental well-being, meaning it is likely wise to end a friendship once you have determined it is toxic.
What does a narcissistic friendship look like?
A narcissistic friendship typically does not refer to a friendship characterized by narcissistic personality disorder, but rather a one-sided friendship. If you have a friend who always prioritizes their own wants and needs, struggles to deal with other people’s boundaries, and demands that they receive more attention than others, they might be a narcissistic friend. Their selfish behavior can come from many sources, including their parents instilling an inflated sense of self-worth or poorly resolved insecurities.
How do you end a narcissistic friendship?
A narcissistic friendship is typically a toxic friendship, wherein a person does not treat their friend with respect or see them as equals. Conventional advice surrounding how to end a friendship generally consists of communicating that the friendship is over in a kind, respectful way, offering details when necessary. However, it may be difficult to predict what will happen when someone with narcissistic tendencies is informed that their friendship is no longer desired. In the case of a toxic friendship, it is sometimes wiser to simply let the friendship fizzle.
Why do friendships fizzle out?
There are many reasons why a friendship might fizzle, but one of the most significant is proximity. Geographic proximity, or how close people are located to one another, is one of the main drivers of interpersonal relationships. People who attend the same schools, work in the same workplace, or live nearby are more likely to develop stable friendships than people who are physically separated. When proximity is removed, such as when someone moves away, friendships become much harder to maintain and more likely to fizzle.
How do you slowly distance yourself from someone?
It may be helpful to decline invitations and begin limiting communications progressively. It is often helpful to avoid ending the friendship suddenly unless conditions warrant it, such as a toxic or harmful friend. Make your texts shorter, slowly decline more invitations, and stop initiating conversation. If the person does not recognize that you are pulling away, it may be necessary to confront the situation directly and end the friendship with less subtlety.
How do I tell if I'm a bad friend?
If you’re a bad friend, it's likely you don’t have many close friends. If you do have people you are close to, you might consider asking them for feedback. Ensure they can speak with honesty and be ready to accept their criticism. However, it is worth remembering that just because you are incompatible with some people in terms of friendship does not mean you are necessarily a bad friend. It might be worthwhile to seek new friendships in other environments to ensure that you are engaging with a highly compatible friend group.
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