How To Stop Obsessing Over A Lost Friendship: Overcoming Friendship Breakups And Grief
Losing a friend can be a difficult experience, especially if you can’t seem to get them out of your head. While some level of preoccupation can be normal after a friendship breakup, too much may result in stress and other negative impacts on your emotional well-being. Learning how to stop obsessing over a lost friendship may take time but could benefit your mental health. To start, it may be helpful to learn what obsession is and how to recognize you may be obsessing over a lost friend.
What is obsession?
According to the Cambridge Dictionary, obsession is defined as “something or someone that you think about all the time.” It’s important to distinguish this concept from the definition in the field of mental health, which often involves obsessions present in those experiencing obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). OCD obsessions can cause significant distress and lead to potentially harmful behaviors. The obsessions that some people experience after the end of a friendship can also cause harm, but they can be treated by a mental health professional.
How to recognize that you are obsessing over losing a friendship
While each person’s experience with a lost friendship can be unique, it may be possible to recognize that you are obsessed by watching for the following signs:
- You can’t stop thinking about your lost friend, even when you intentionally try not to.
- You find yourself distracted with thoughts of your friend during other activities.
- You frequently visit places you both used to go to together in the past.
- You find yourself looking at photos or videos from your friendship.
- You constantly check their social media pages.
- You feel hurt when the person is mentioned or something reminds you of them.
Can losing a friendship be positive?
While it may be difficult to acknowledge in the initial stages of a friend breakup, sometimes losing a friendship can be positive. For example, if a relationship was toxic and you felt frequently demeaned or insulted, then the termination of that friendship is likely beneficial. Some friendships may also restrict your growth as a person, which could eventually result in resentment or conflict if the friendship does not end.
Do friendship breakups feel the same as romantic breakups?
In some cases, friendship breakups can have the same negative impacts and feel as bad as a romantic breakup. In both situations, individuals may experience a variety of symptoms, such as:
- Difficulty sleeping
- A desire to isolate
- Emotional outbursts
- Feelings of sadness, anger, or frustration
- Loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities
Those who have lost a friend may also feel fatigued or struggle to maintain their previous eating habits, which could lead to significant weight loss or gain. Breakups may also impact a person’s ability to function academically or professionally and may cause them to struggle with other interpersonal relationships.
How to start new friendships after a lost friendship
One way to stop obsessing over a lost friendship may be to form new ones. For adults, there can be a variety of ways to make friends after the end of a friendship. For example, exploring new hobbies could provide a space to meet people with similar interests. This could involve joining a running club, finding intramural sports teams, or looking for groups online that are taking in new members. Volunteer work may also offer a way to make new friends while also providing the opportunity to give back to one's community.
Do you have to start new friendships immediately after a lost friendship?
It is not necessary to look for new friends immediately after a friendship concludes. In some cases, a person may need time to process their loss, particularly if they have lost a best friend. This can involve reflecting on what challenges caused the termination of the friendship and addressing the potential impacts that termination had. Another important thing to consider after a friendship ends is whether you are taking care of yourself, i.e., engaging in self-care.
How to engage in self-care after a friend breakup
Self-care can be essential to maintain physical health and mental well-being after a breakup. This may be done through a variety of methods, including exercising, getting proper sleep, and practicing meditation.
Exercise
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), exercise can have a variety of benefits, such as reduced risk of cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, infectious diseases, and certain types of cancer, in addition to strengthening muscles and bones and increasing longevity. Exercise can also reduce the stress of a friend breakup and offer a healthy distraction to prevent obsessing over your situation.
Proper sleep
One common experience after a friendship breakup may be difficulty sleeping. To ensure you get proper sleep, Harvard Health recommends the following tips:
- Avoid other activities in bed: It may be best to only use your bed for sleep or sexual activity. This can mean not watching TV, checking your phone, or working on a laptop while in bed.
- Create a comfortable sleeping environment: While your ideal sleeping environment may vary, Harvard Health recommends making your room quiet and dark while keeping it at a comfortable temperature.
- Avoid certain substances before bed: Consuming alcohol or caffeine near bedtime may interfere with restful sleep and cause unwanted side effects, such as heartburn. Eating large meals could have a similar effect, so Harvard Health recommends avoiding a big meal two to three hours before sleep.
If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.
Meditation
Mindfulness practices like meditation may help with various elements of a friend breakup, including stress and obsessive thoughts. Research suggests that meditation may have a variety of other benefits, including reducing anxiety, depression, fatigue, and chronic pain. Meditation can also help those who are experiencing addiction and may reduce the recovery time for common conditions such as colds and the flu.
Can friendship breakups affect your physical health?
Friendship breakups can cause a number of physical health challenges, and in extreme cases, they may result in a condition known as broken heart syndrome. This condition, which can be caused by significant stress, can lead to a variety of symptoms. These may include heart arrhythmia (abnormal heartbeat), chest pain, and shortness of breath. It’s important to see a medical professional if you experience these symptoms, as they can also present during other conditions, such as a heart attack or stroke.
Can friendship breakups affect your mental health?
While the research on the effects of friendship breakups may be limited, their mental health impact may be similar to that of romantic breakups. In one study, 1295 unmarried individuals between 18 and 35 years old were asked about the effects that romantic breakups had on their psychological state and life satisfaction. Researchers found that experiencing a breakup was associated with a decline in life satisfaction and an increase in psychological distress.
How to handle the obsession and grief of a friendship breakup
- Set boundaries about contact: In some cases, it may be necessary to go no-contact with your ex-friend, especially if they ask for space. However, if this isn’t possible for any reason (attending the same school, working in the same place, etc.), you might try to limit your contact as much as possible.
- Connect with other friends: After a relationship ends, it can be beneficial to reach out to other friends. Making a point to revitalize old friendships may be mutually beneficial and provide the support you may need after other friendships end.
- Focus on other areas of life: Some individuals coming out of a friendship breakup may find that they have been neglecting other areas of their life, such as work, school, or personal interests. Dedicating time to these activities may help take your mind off of the breakup and provide a valuable sense of satisfaction.
How else can you address breakup grief or obsession?
While self-care and other techniques may help with breakup grief or obsession, some individuals may need the assistance of a mental health professional. Several types of therapy may help those experiencing a friend breakup, including:
- Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT techniques may benefit those who are experiencing specific thought patterns or behaviors after the end of a friendship. A CBT provider may be able to help you work through your grief and find ways to restructure potentially harmful thoughts or behavioral patterns.
- Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT): ACT may help individuals address the emotions they are experiencing after a friendship breakup. With the help of an ACT provider, you may learn to accept the circumstances of your breakup and move forward in a healthy way.
While these and other types of therapy may benefit those experiencing friendship breakups, in-person forms of therapy may not always be available. For example, some areas may lack a sufficient number of mental health providers. Others may live in remote regions or lack reliable transportation, which could make commuting to a therapist’s office challenging. In these and many other situations, alternatives like online therapy may be beneficial. Online therapy allows you to connect with a therapist via audio, video, or live chat at a time that works for you.
Research suggests that online therapy can be as effective as in-person therapy. A 2022 study found no significant differences between these two therapeutic formats. An online therapist may be able to help you explore the truth about a lost friendship and move forward on a path toward healing.
Takeaway
How do you cope with the grief of losing a friendship?
It’s normal to feel sad and grieve the loss of a friendship. Allow yourself the time and space to grieve as you would after the end of a romantic relationship. It’s OK to miss your former friend and revisit your memories together, and it’s OK if your memories of them bring you comfort alongside the pain.
Instead of pushing down your feelings, try journaling to get your thoughts out and start to process your emotions in a constructive way. If that isn’t enough, seek extra support from your loved ones—other friends and family members—to discuss your feelings about the situation and consider their advice.
How do you accept that a friendship is over?
It can be important to admit to yourself that not all friendships will last forever, and that’s OK. Remind yourself that people grow over time, and drifting apart from a friend—even close friends—may be the natural progression of that change. Find peace knowing that you did your best. Even good friends sometimes reach a point where they must part ways.
If your relationship constituted a toxic friendship, reframe your thinking. Though you may feel bad in the immediate aftermath, perhaps ending the friendship was the best decision for your mental and emotional health. Now that you’re reclaiming the energy you gave to the relationship, you can make space for new people and new relationships.
Why can't I get over friendship breakups?
Friendship breakups often lack the closure that breaking off romantic relationships typically has. This can make losing a friendship particularly painful, especially if there wasn’t one defining moment where the friendship was broken. The mess left behind might make you question your judgment or feel as if you did something wrong. But try your best not to obsess over what happened, as this can be a way to avoid accepting that the friendship is over. Talking through it with old friends or a mental health professional can help you process the story and start to heal.
How can I start to feel OK about ending a friendship so I can make new friendships?
Remind yourself that while your friendship with one good friend might be over, it’s possible to have another again. Seek understanding within yourself by asking how you can learn from this experience. Once you feel ready, take a break from mourning your old friendship and shift your energy toward the possibilities ahead of you. Imagine what positive qualities you’d like to find in new friends to help guide your future connections.
How do I stop obsessing over a lost friendship?
Redirect your attention to any other thing that makes you feel most like yourself. Laugh with loved ones, read, paint—whatever helps you remember your individuality. Allow yourself to feel angry or sad without judgment, but also recognize that moving on might be best for your mental health. Talk to a therapist or counselor to help you understand why you might be holding on to the lost friendship so tightly.
What is the trauma of losing a friend?
Experiencing a sudden break of trust can feel like the worst thing ever to happen, and this kind of event can feel like a major upheaval in a person’s life. The end of a friendship might remind you of other losses or feelings of abandonment, amplifying the hurt. The impact can intensify if the friend was a person you relied on during challenging periods in your life. If you spent a lot of time with your friend, you may feel like you need to adjust to a new reality without them. All of these elements could result in trauma.
Why does losing a friend hurt so much?
The bonds of friendship hold a special place in our lives, offering us elements of family and chosen companionship in one relationship. Much like a romantic relationship, the suddenness—or inexplicableness—of the loss can leave lingering questions and an emotional tangle to work through. However, unlike the end of romantic relationships, the loss of a friend does not come with the same recognition or external support, making it more difficult to receive advice or understanding from others. Consider talking with a licensed therapist or counselor to start untangling the emotional thread and move toward a healed future.
How can you emotionally detach from a friend?
You can try to gradually spend less time with them and establish new routines that do not involve them. Imagine what life might look like without their presence, and protect your inner peace as you move on. If you find yourself feeling bad for detaching from this friend, remind yourself of why you decided to do so.
What is the kindest way to end a friendship?
Have an open and honest conversation in which you express your feelings clearly yet compassionately. Consider reminding the person of the good memories you share to ensure the friendship breakup isn’t overly negative. Once you’re done speaking, allow them to respond in kind while continuing to hold your boundaries. Be empathetic to their point of view and avoid pointing fingers or hyperfocusing on what might have gone wrong.
If direct communication isn’t an option for your situation, express yourself plainly and politely through a written note to explain your thoughts in a gentle way without forfeiting your distance.
How do I stop thinking about a friendship breakup?
It may be important for you to give yourself permission to think about the friendship breakup for short, timed periods so it doesn’t dominate your thoughts in response to repression. Outside of those timed periods, fill your schedule with activities that bring you joy and remind you of your individuality. This can help to keep you from ruminating over what happened. Remember, too, that healing is a gradual process. Give yourself time to shift your mindset from what was lost to what can be gained. If you need assistance, consider speaking with a licensed mental healthcare professional or lean on those you trust to help.
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