Tips to help when reconnecting with old friends

Opening your social media and finding a message from someone you haven't spoken to in years may be a pleasant surprise. Reconnecting with old friends offers the opportunity to reestablish friendships that have faded. However, in some cases, friendships may end for a reason, whether due to growth, changing lives, or conflict. For this reason, it may be helpful to keep in mind a few tips for connecting with old friends, as well as ways to find support if you are struggling with relationships or conflict. 

The importance of friends

Friends can be essential to your well-being and enrich your mental and physical health. Close friends may show you you’re not alone, walk you through difficult seasons, and improve your mood and sense of happiness. Although it may seem that having many friends can reap more benefits, it doesn’t take a certain number of friends to experience mental and physical healing. Instead, focusing on having a few high-quality friends you know you can depend on may be helpful. 

Why can it be difficult to reconnect with old friends?

People grow and develop, so there may be a chance your friend from middle school or college has changed since you last spoke to them. It can be challenging or awkward to reconnect with friends you haven’t talked to for months or years. You may still envision a version of them that no longer exists, and vice versa. There may no longer be common ground on which you two can come together, or you may find that your values and life trajectories don’t align anymore. 

Some friendships end after a falling out, and as time passes, you may find that neither of you places the same importance on the issue. You may be concerned about challenging feelings from unresolved disputes or seeking forgiveness for past wrongs on your part. Some of the potentially difficult or awkward feelings you might face can stem from not knowing how your former friend will react when you reach out to them. 

Should I reconnect with an old friend?

Research shows people often lose touch with friends after age 25 as busier lives and diverging life paths make maintaining connections challenging. Some individuals hesitate to rekindle old friendships due to worries about awkwardness, rejection, lack of common interests, or lingering conflict. Old friends who might encourage harmful behaviors, such as heavy drinking or substance use, may not be healthy to reconnect with. However, individuals who once positively influenced your life may be worth getting to know again. 

If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. 

Before reaching back out to your friend, consider asking yourself the following questions:  

• Is reconnecting with this person in my best interest? 
• Did the friendship end badly?
• Could reaching out be harmful to my well-being?
• Am I comfortable being honest and emotionally vulnerable with them?
• Do I trust them?
• How might I act around them? 
• What do I hope to accomplish?
• How has their absence in my life affected me?
• What do I expect if we reestablish a friendship?
• Am I prepared for the possibility of rejection or being ignored?
• Can I share the intimate personal details of my life since we last spoke?

If your answers to these questions are optimistic and hopeful, reaching out to your old friend may be beneficial. However, given your knowledge of this friendship, you may be the only one who can decide on what is healthiest for you.   

Tips to help you reconnect with old friends

If you've had an old friend on your mind and want to reconnect, consider trying some of the tips below. When the contact feels natural, it may make the process easier. 

Engage with your friend on social media

Following an old friend on social media provides a way to peek into your former friend's life and see what they're up to in the present. Note that what they portray online may not be a realistic view. However, it could offer insight into how much they've changed from the person you knew. Following along with their life online and interacting with them occasionally can help you be a part of their life again, which may lay the groundwork to reconnect more personally. 

Send a quick message to say hello

When comfortable, message your old friend on social media to say hello. You may not be the same person you used to be, and they might not be either. Try approaching them as a fond acquaintance with a shared history but not someone you currently know well enough to call a friend. If you share a mutual friend, try asking how to relate to the person they are now.  

Work through past conflicts

Working through previous unresolved conflicts may be beneficial if your friendship ended on bad terms. If you were the one in the wrong, try starting with an apology to acknowledge your actions and let them know that it weighs heavily on your conscience. You might share a fond memory to soften the conversation. 

If your friend hurt you, try bringing up the topic. However, if they are hesitant to discuss it, you may not get an apology or effective resolution. Depending on their reaction, pushing the subject could lead to further conflict. Whether you want an apology or closure to move forward with the friendship, you have the power of choice in this situation.  

Share memories

One way to reconnect with your friend is to reminisce over your fond memories. Bringing up the positive experiences you created together can help you remember why you were friends in the first place. If you’re unsure how to initiate a conversation with your old friend, consider bringing up your shared past, old pictures, memories with mutual friends, or particularly happy memories. 

Get to know each other in the present 

Take the time to get to know each other as you are now and determine whether you’re still compatible for friendship. In some cases, you may enjoy catching up on the past but discover that you don’t have enough in common or that your current values are too far separated to justify trying to rebuild the friendship. 

Consider why you want to reconnect

Before reaching out, consider why you want to reestablish your connection to a former friend. Think about how the relationship worked the first time, why it ended, and why you want to reconnect now. If friendship with this person would bring more positivity to your life, it may be worth reconnecting. However, consider leaving it alone if the friendship would drag you down. If you are only reconnecting because you are lonely but know the friendship is unhealthy, it may be beneficial to avoid talking to this friend and try making new friends through group meetups in your city, a club, or local events.  

Make future plans together

While talking about the past can be fun, it may be difficult to form a new friendship with this person without thinking about the future. Studies show that social connections become increasingly crucial for older adults as they lose access to other support systems. Whether you go to coffee together, talk over the phone or FaceTime, or do an activity together, spending quality time with one another may reignite the friendship. 

Support options 

Reconnecting with old friends can be a hit-or-miss experience, offering benefits, drawbacks, or a combination, depending on the original friendship dynamic and why you fell out of touch. Getting back in contact with old friends may not be a favorable situation, and getting guidance from a therapist or licensed psychologist could be beneficial as emotions resurface or situations become uncomfortable. Therapy can help you develop your communication skills to express yourself more effectively and provide you with practical strategies to resolve conflicts productively.

Making time for old and current friends can be time-consuming, which may make it difficult to attend therapy sessions in person. With virtual therapy platforms like BetterHelp, you can receive support from the comfort of your home and use phone calls, video chats, or in-app messaging to speak with your therapist. As you reconnect with an old friend, you can message your therapist whenever you are unsure of how to proceed, and they will respond when they can. 

Some mental healthcare providers use cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) to help clients explore the link between thinking, feeling, and behaving. Research shows that online and in-person CBT treatments offer similar outcomes. In a comprehensive review of 17 different studies, researchers found that internet-delivered CBT was more effective than face-to-face CBT at reducing the severity of symptoms of depression in adults. However, “no significant differences” existed between the two interventions concerning participant satisfaction. Teletherapy platforms have the unique advantage of access to a comprehensive network of licensed therapists, making it easy to connect with someone else if your first match isn’t the right fit. 

Takeaway 

Friendships can be crucial for overall well-being, offering benefits like stress reduction and less social isolation. Losing a friend can be difficult, and friends may come and go for several reasons. Some friendships don’t survive the transitional period as you grow and change. In other cases, life gets busy, and the connection fades. Regardless of how the bond ended, reconnecting with old friends can have benefits if approached appropriately. 

Connecting with a therapist can help you navigate friendships. A therapist can teach you how to rekindle an old connection, communicate effectively, and build healthy friendships. Consider contacting a clinical psychologist or counselor online or in your area to get started.