Understanding The Behavior Of True Friends: What They Will And Won’t Do

Humans are considered to be a social species that is hard-wired to form meaningful bonds. According to a study published in Nature, research suggests that the human brain craves interaction in the same way that it craves food. These bonds can take various forms. Romantic relationships are one example, but another relationship type—which some may consider equally important—is friendship. A good friend may provide a source of social and emotional support that can differ from that offered by family members and significant others. A friend may offer opportunities to share experiences with another person, provide support during difficult times, and offer new perspectives on life.

The importance of strong friendships

While more research may be needed, this study illustrates the potential importance of not only maintaining positive friendships but also working to reduce the effects of negative, toxic, or otherwise unhealthy friendships.

What makes a true friend?

Now that we’ve explored the potential effects of friendship on our physical and mental well-being, it may be worth considering what makes a true friend in the first place. It may be important to keep in mind that because no two people are exactly alike, the traits that make up a good friend can vary from person to person. However, the following are some things that true friends tend to do:

Offer support: Emotional support may be considered one of the biggest benefits of a strong friendship. While support may include encouraging you through your successes and accomplishments, it may also involve being present when you experience challenges and setbacks. While circumstances can vary, a true friend may often be a reminder that you’re not alone, whether in good times or challenging ones.

Listen: Another characteristic of a true friend may be the ability to listen to you and pay attention when you’re talking. This might mean using active listening to internalize what you say, rather than simply waiting for their turn to talk. You might recognize a true friend when you feel that they are making an honest effort to understand your point of view.

Apologize when they hurt you: A friend’s ability to admit when they are wrong and seek to make amends when they do something to hurt you may be another sign of true friendship. Rather than digging in their heels when they make a mistake, a true friend might take steps to make things right. This can be a sign that they value you as a friend and can take responsibility for their actions.

Accept you: True friendship may also be defined based on your ability to be yourself around someone. This might mean being able to say what’s on your mind and behave in a way that comes naturally to you. A true friend likely won’t make you feel bad for your personality or ways of expressing yourself.

Look out for your best interest: Keeping your best interest at heart may be another important quality of a true friend. For example, a true friend’s actions and words might be motivated by a desire to look after your safety and well-being, rather than an instinct to act based on jealousy, resentment, or a desire for power in the relationship.

What True Friends Don’t Typically Do

There may not be a one-size-fits-all set of criteria for evaluating a friendship. Still, there are certain behaviors that could indicate someone is not a true friend. These may include:

Lying to you: Honesty can be a key component of a healthy friendship. Whether outright lying or withholding the whole story from you, dishonesty can significantly harm a friendship.

Intentionally hurting your feelings: True friends tend to avoid intentionally demeaning, embarrassing, or otherwise hurting you emotionally. While people’s expressions of friendship and affection can vary, it may be important to be aware of cruel, degrading, or overly critical behaviors from friends.  

Exploiting you: When a friend takes advantage of you, it could take an emotional or psychological toll. If you notice a friend exploiting you in some way—whether it be your emotions, resources, or generosity—this could be a sign that your friendship is not healthy. 

Gaslighting you: According to the American Psychological Association, gaslighting involves an attempt to “manipulate another person into doubting their perceptions, experiences, or understanding of events.” A person who gaslights may deny known facts or twist reality in a way that makes you question your memory or your sanity. Unhealthy friends may try to sow seeds of doubt in your mind, using statements like “You’re crazy” or “You’re just misremembering things.”

Betraying your trust: It’s reasonable to expect a certain level of trust in a friendship. When you can trust a friend with your emotions, thoughts, and vulnerabilities, there may be a spoken or unspoken understanding that they won’t reveal these things or use them to manipulate you. For this reason, betrayals of trust can indicate someone is not a true friend.

Managing friendship challenges 

Determining whether someone is a true friend can be challenging. Even among true friends, conflicts, mental health challenges, and unexpected life events may create tension or uncertainty in the relationship. 

If you find yourself encountering challenges that are placing strain on a friendship and you don’t know what to do, it may help to discuss the relationship with a therapist. A licensed therapist may serve as an objective neutral party, listening to your concerns, suggesting alternative ways of approaching conflicts, and providing advice to help you navigate ups and downs in your friendship.

If you don’t feel comfortable discussing a challenging friendship in person, you might consider online therapy. With online therapy, you can participate in therapy in various formats, such as live chat, voice call, or video call. You can also contact your therapist at any time via in-app messaging, and they’ll get back to you as soon as they can. This may prove to be helpful if you experience friendship challenges in between sessions.  

If you are exploring online therapy, you may wonder whether it is considered an effective alternative to in-person therapy. A growing body of scientific research suggests that it is. For example, one study published in Expert Review of Neurotherapeutics found that online therapy was effective for stress, generalized anxiety disorder, and social anxiety disorder, among other conditions.