What Adults Forget About Friendship After Childhood: Incorporating Childlike Joy Into Adult Bonds
Friendship can be an important part of life at every age, but these connections tend to look different in childhood and adolescence than they do in adulthood. What exactly is it about childhood friendships that makes them so fulfilling and blissful, and how can adult friendships incorporate more of these elements—even while juggling life responsibilities and busier schedules? Writer Rhania Cohen authored a piece in The Atlantic on this very topic. Here, we’ll share a few highlights from Cohen’s piece about what adults forget about friendship, and then we’ll explore strategies for making and strengthening fulfilling platonic bonds as adults.
What adults often forget about friendship: Key elements of childhood connections
Cohen’s piece in The Atlantic is called "What Adults Forget About Friendship." In it, she talks about childhood friendships from different angles and using different examples to try and articulate just what makes them so special—and why adult friendships can sometimes seem stale in comparison. Cohen highlights a few key elements of many a childhood friendship that adults often forget, including the following.
The creation of a shared culture among childhood friends
Children and adolescents who are close friends often create their own shared culture together. It can include anything from inside jokes and a shared vernacular to “secret” meeting spots and unique rituals. Some friends, such as the group Cohen highlights in the beginning of her piece, even create a name for their group using their first initials or code names. Along with being able to openly and faithfully talk about how they’re feeling in the moment, these elements can offer a sense of belonging and safety.
“Unhurried hangouts”
In the piece, Cohen discusses the value of spending more open-ended time together, or “wasting time” with each other. When children spend time with their friends, there’s often no set plan or timeline. Instead, they’re present in the moment and tend to jump right in to play together, not worrying about how long it will last or how it will end. For adults, Cohen emphasizes the value of slowing down and lingering with friends to add a richer dimension to the bonds you share.
Imaginative play
Finally, the importance of imaginative, creative play is highlighted. Kids tend to have no trouble thinking of imagination-based games to play with each other, whether they involve dress-up, role-play, or another creative element. Cohen suggests that adults may benefit from engaging in the vulnerability involved in this type of play, and research supports the theory that vulnerable sharing that’s met with support from the other party can strengthen intimacy.
How to incorporate childlike enjoyment into adult friendships
Those who wish to deepen their adult friendships can look to Cohen’s observations, and they may also benefit from reflecting on their own childhood connections. How did you and your friend group spend time together during childhood and adolescence? What were your happiest moments together? What do you miss most about those connections? Discussing these questions with a childhood friend or journaling about them may help you pinpoint elements of those relationships that you’d like to bring into your adult life.
For example, perhaps you look back on your childhood friendships fondly because you frequently played dress-up and experimented with different roles and identities. As an adult, you could channel this energy by engaging in cosplay with friends, doing each other’s makeup just for fun, or getting involved in a drama class or local theater together.
Or, if you’re looking to schedule in more unhurried time together to build intimacy, you might offer to host a friend at your place for the weekend for a “sleepover.” You could watch nostalgic movies, share food, and relax into the time spent together without the sense of urgency that a brief catch-up over dinner can have.
Why friendships are important for adults and children alike
Although friendships often take different forms as a person ages, they don’t become any less important. Particularly in the age that has been dubbed “the loneliness epidemic,” the ability to cultivate close social ties may be more important than ever.
What the research says about the value of friendships for adults
Many studies over the years have suggested that having strong social connections like friendships is closely linked to stress resilience, mental health, overall well-being, and even longevity. Friendships can also be a source of emotional support, material support, encouragement, and belonging, which can improve quality of life in general.
What the research says about the value of friendships for children
According to one study on the topic from 2022, the needs that friendships fulfill evolve over time. The author states: “Whereas friends in early childhood mainly provide companionship and fun, adolescent friendships also start fulfilling other needs for trust, intimacy, attachment, and emotional support.” Through friendships, children and teens learn how to empathize with others and learn more about who they are, and these bonds can also provide a sense of safety and belonging.
Tips for strengthening existing relationships
Whether you’re looking to deepen your existing adult relationships or reconnect with old friends, there are several different strategies you can try. Some examples include:
- Prioritize spending time together. Research suggests that it can take as many as 94 hours spent together in order for casual adult acquaintances to turn into friends. If you’re not as close to your current friends as you’d like to be, spending more time together is generally a key factor.
- Be vulnerable. Again, vulnerability is linked to intimacy, so gradually becoming more emotionally open with your friends may help deepen your connection.
- Don’t be afraid to reach out first. Unlike with childhood friendships, adult friendships are often limited by the responsibilities of each person involved, such as jobs, partners, and children. If your friend hasn’t reached out lately to spend time together, they may be feeling swept away by their commitments. You being unafraid to reach out first and schedule a hangout can help make it happen.
Tips for making new friends
Not everyone remains close to their friends from elementary school, middle school, high school, or their childhood neighborhood, whether because of distance, differing life paths, or many other possible reasons. If you’re no longer in touch with or living near your friends from early life and believe you’re lacking close platonic connections, it is possible to forge new ones. Some tips for making new friends as an adult include:
- Join a book club or take a class to meet people with common interests
- Join a volunteer organization to meet people with similar values
- Join a sports league or other group that meets regularly
- Examine your daily life for casual acquaintances that you may be able to build a deeper friendship with
- Try a friendship app like Bumble BFF
- Go to events in your community such as block parties, mutual aid meetings, yard sales, or library events to get to know your neighbors
Seeking therapy for support with friendships
If you’re experiencing loneliness, friendship conflict, or other challenges related to your personal relationships, you might benefit from processing them with a therapist. A licensed therapist can offer you emotional support and skill-building help that may assist you in forming and strengthening your connections. For example, they might help you learn more about your attachment style and how it affects your relationships, or they may support you in strengthening communication skills so you can build deeper bonds.
Online therapy as an alternative to in-person sessions
Talking about vulnerable topics such as hopes and fears for your friendships can be intimidating, especially if you're sharing this information with the therapist in person. This is one reason why many people prefer online therapy instead. With a platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist and then speak with them via phone call, video call, and/or in-app messaging—all from the comfort of home or anywhere you have an internet connection. This format can also save you time since you don't have to travel to and from appointments, which can be helpful for people with busy schedules.
Research on online therapy’s effectiveness
Since the advent of online therapy, many studies have been done to examine its effectiveness relative to traditional in-person sessions. In general, this research suggests that online therapy can often be as effective as in person therapy. This means that you can generally feel confident in choosing either format, as the two can typically offer a similar standard of care.
Takeaway
For many, childhood friendships seemed effortless in comparison to adult connections. As writer Rhania Cohen puts it, there are certain things adults may forget about childhood friendships. Channeling these elements—such as imaginative play and unhurried time together—might help you build closer connections today. If you're looking for emotional or mental health support related to your relationships, you might consider meeting with a therapist online or in person.
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