Group Dynamics: How To Navigate Living With Roommates

Learning to live with others is a skill that may not come naturally to everyone. Yet, living with a roommate is often the most cost-effective solution for students, young professionals, and singles of any age. Whether you’re sharing living space with best friends or people you found on a roommate-finding website (i.e., Craigslist or Facebook), you can learn how to keep things smooth with firm boundaries, open communication, and a little consideration. For additional guidance, consider scheduling an online or in-person therapy session with a licensed mental health professional.

Setting up expectations and boundaries

First and foremost, it can be essential to ensure that you and your roommates are all on the same page regarding shared space. 

Set up a chore chart

While it may seem a bit elementary, having a chore schedule can be an excellent way to pre-emptively avoid conflicts over cleaning-related responsibilities. Establish chores and when they will be completed. Many people have different concepts of what constitutes “clean,” so having these specifics can bypass the temptation to leave passive-aggressive notes over a dirty countertop or empty toilet paper roll. Some examples of chores to add to the list may include:

• Tidying up the common area 
• Running and unloading the dishwasher
• Cleaning out the sink
• Sanitizing the bathroom
• Sweeping and mopping the kitchen floor
• Wiping down the countertops

Establish bedtime policies

One of the biggest issues in shared spaces can be juggling roommates' schedules. One person may be an early riser and want the lights out at 10 PM, while another may come home after working a late-night shift at 2 AM and sleep until early afternoon. 

Opposite schedules can be managed if firm policies are set in place at the start. Establish a lights-out time that offers a compromise for everyone. If you have someone who stays up later, they can wear headphones and use personal screens while the overhead lights and shared media are turned off. Conversely, early risers can adopt the same behaviors so that those who go to bed late can get uninterrupted sleep.

Set rules about personal space 

Living with roommates often requires rules about how you will handle shared spaces. For example, what is your policy about guests? Can they spend the night? Will there be a limitation on which nights a guest can stay overnight? If the guest is an intimate partner, you may want to have a “do not disturb” signal or sign for the door to their bedroom. 

Phone conversations should usually be addressed as well. You may set up a policy that personal discussions or conversations on speaker or videophone be conducted in bedrooms and not shared spaces. 

Once you have decided how you want to handle the different scenarios of group living, an excellent way to keep everyone on board may be to sign a roommate agreement. The group can always amend this document, which isn’t legally binding. Instead, a roommate contract can serve as a launchpad for discussion if one of the roommates is not following the agreed-upon guidelines. 

Conflict management

What happens when a disagreement arises? Maybe one of your friends has interfered with your personal property (i.e., borrowing a sweater for a date without asking), and you want to address it without provoking an argument. You can follow some conflict management strategies that may resolve the issue without animosity. 

Acknowledge the issue

Try to find a good time to bring up the problem. It may not be helpful to dive in during the heat of the moment, when anger and tension are high. Realize that everyone tends to have biases, and try to see your own—even if the infraction is clearly on their side. When you can bring up the matter calmly, seek out your roommate when they are at leisure and not when they are getting ready to do something else.

Don’t escalate, ask

It can be best to keep the conversation calm and ask to hear their side of things. When they talk, listen. Listening may be the golden rule of group living. Ask clarifying questions and listen to their answers. Try to understand their side, even if you disagree with it. 

Avoid bringing in other problems

It can be tempting to start piling on grievances once you get started, but it probably won’t help the conversation. Explain how their behavior made you feel. Keep the focus on yourself, not on their action or identity. For example, say, “I have a hard time sleeping at night, so loud noises wake me up really easily, and I’m exhausted the next day,” instead of, “You were clomping around like an elephant at 2 AM because you have no consideration for other people.”

Come to an agreement

Partner with your roommate to create a solution for the issue. If there is trouble with your roommate doing their chores, for instance, get curious about the potential barriers. Then you can ask, “How can we fix this issue?” You may find that your roommate can’t stand doing the dishes because of sensory challenges, but they have no problem scrubbing the floors. 

Therapy for group dynamics

When roommate problems get out of hand or involve someone you love, like a best friend or romantic partner, therapy can be a helpful way to learn conflict resolution skills. Whether you decide to participate in individual therapy or group therapy, a licensed therapist can help you talk through challenges, learn to manage your emotions, and provide tools to address problems that arise when you’re living with others. 

Benefits of online therapy

Online therapy may be an accessible and convenient option if you find that going to therapy sessions is just one more thing that you can’t fit into an already busy schedule. Online therapy platforms like BetterHelp generally offer individual and group therapy that you can schedule at conducive times and from any place with a secure internet connection.

Effectiveness of online therapy

Research shows that online therapy is generally as effective as traditional, in-person therapy and can be more convenient and cost-effective. 

Should you decide to enter therapy in any format, it may always be a good idea to start your venture with an open mind and the perspective that you can always find opportunities for growth and self-improvement. It can be easy to build up an image of your roommate in your mind as rude, selfish, or inconsiderate, but seeing the good in your roommate can be essential to figuring out how to coexist peacefully.