Five Strategies To Help You Learn How To Stand Up For Yourself
Standing up for yourself is a life skill that can be useful in many scenarios. Without this ability, you may end up in uncomfortable or even dangerous situations, or resentment for your own needs not being met may build over time. Often a person will feel angry when letting people walk all over them, and this can push them into acting passive aggressive. However, many of us can learn to take small but powerful steps to learn to be more assertive and avoid being a people pleaser. Let’s explore why some of us have trouble standing up for ourselves and look at some strategies that can help improve this skill.
What does it mean to stand up for yourself?
Standing up for yourself means advocating for your rights, needs, beliefs, and values firmly and respectfully. Also known as assertiveness, standing up for oneself is about expressing your opinions and standing firm in your values, even in the face of opposition or conflict. This doesn't imply aggression or hostility; rather, it's a balanced approach to ensuring your voice is heard and your boundaries are respected.
At its core, standing up for yourself is about self-respect and self-advocacy—knowing your worth and not allowing others to undermine or dismiss it.
This concept encompasses a wide range of behaviors, including:
- Saying no to unreasonable requests
- Defending oneself against unfair treatment
- Asking for what you need or deserve
Assertiveness involves clear communication, the ability to set and maintain boundaries, and the strength to face potential criticism or disagreement. Standing up for oneself is crucial in all aspects of life, including personal relationships, the workplace, and interactions with strangers.
It often requires a combination of self-awareness, confidence, and the development of communication skills. It's about knowing when to pick your battles, how to express yourself clearly and calmly, and understanding the importance of compromise in certain situations.
Why it can be hard to stand up for yourself
Some people find it harder to be assertive or speak up for themselves than others. It can feel scary to stand up for yourself if it’s not something you’re comfortable with. If it’s a challenge you find yourself facing, there may be several contributing factors—many of which overlap or intertwine with each other—including:
People-pleasing tendencies
Those with these tendencies feel pressured to prioritize the needs of others over their own. They may have trouble saying no and might even alter their personalities to fit what they believe someone else wants.
Low self-esteem
This quality may go hand-in-hand with people-pleasing. Low self-esteem may make you believe that your needs and desires are fundamentally less important or valid than those of others, leading you to contort to suit the needs and desires of everyone else. In this situation it can be difficult to recognize that your own thoughts and feelings matter.
Fear of rejection or anger
Standing up for yourself can upset other people, which is a price some are unwilling to pay—even to their detriment. It may be linked to low self-esteem or past experiences where they felt or witnessed rejection or anger resulting from themselves or a loved one attempting to stand up for their needs.
Anxiety
Anxiety is a broad mental illness that can manifest in different ways. For someone who struggles with how to learn how to stand firm in life situations, overanalyzing can lead to a build-up of fear, making it hard to maintain eye contact or vocalize their concerns. It could involve social anxiety, which can cause distressing or debilitating mental and physical symptoms even in neutral social situations. It could be worrying about saying the wrong thing, stemming from perfectionism. Simply put, anxiety symptoms of many different types may hold people back from asserting themselves in the moment.
Cognitive distortions
These are flawed patterns of thinking that can cause difficult emotions. They’re often associated with mood disorders like depression and anxiety. For example, the cognitive distortion of catastrophizing may make someone predict the worst possible outcome of a situation, even before it plays out. Overgeneralization could make someone who had one negative experience trying to stand up for themselves assume that outcome for all future cases. These are patterns, much like a knee jerk reaction, that can be rewired to encourage different expectations and behaviors.
They are interacting with a manipulative person
Some people may be skilled at convincing others to change their opinions or guilting them into doing so. Interacting with someone like this can make someone less likely or unable to stand up for themselves, as they find it difficult to explain why their feelings matter.
Negative past experiences
Any of the factors listed above could stem from a negative experience. Someone who grew up in a volatile and abusive environment may have witnessed frightening outcomes from a parent or caregiver standing up for themselves. Or someone may carry fears and anxieties about being assertive due to a past toxic relationship.
How to further explore the roots of this behavior
If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.
Online therapy, often facilitated by licensed clinical experts, has become an increasingly popular option for people who prefer connecting with a therapist from their home. Research suggests that it can be an effective and cost-effective treatment for conditions like anxiety. If you’re interested in being matched with a licensed therapist who can help you work through the challenges you may be facing, a virtual therapy platform like BetterHelp is one option. Your goal should be to find the therapist and therapy method most comfortable for you.
Other strategies for becoming more assertive
Try to think objectively about your own needs
Before you assert your needs, you’ll have to know what they are. Self-reflection can be a valuable tool in this process. It may also be helpful to try and peel away the influence of comparison or expectations. For instance, just because your partner or friend can comfortably commit to social engagements five nights a week doesn’t mean that’s a universal quota that anyone should be happy with.
Envision positive outcomes
Some people may not react well to someone else standing up for themselves. This is certainly a potential outcome; however, it may help to remind yourself that it’s unlikely this will be the case every time. Those who care about you should generally be supportive of you communicating your wants, needs, and boundaries. Some people may even be happy or relieved that you said something, either because they were thinking the same thing or because they genuinely want what’s best for you. Most people respect a person who clearly communicates their needs. If someone in your life behaves the opposite way and shows signs of trying to control or manipulate you and your choices, this is likely a sign of an unhealthy dynamic.
Remember that being assertive is not the same as being aggressive
Some people equate the two, perhaps because it’s common to mistake assertiveness for aggression. However, this may lead an individual to mistakenly think that if it’s not their style to get in someone’s face and demand what they need, assertiveness is not for them. This perception is not accurate. Being calmly assertive is likely to result in more positive outcomes than being loud, pushy, or otherwise aggressive. A few tips on the art of being assertive may include:
- Keep it brief. As you may have heard, “No” is a complete sentence.” In general, you’re under no obligation to offer a long explanation for making the right choice. Sometimes, doing so can even give the other person fodder for arguing with your decision. When expressing your intention, it’s usually best to keep your words simple and concise.
- Use “I” statements. In contrast, “you” statements can come off as accusatory. Focus on information about what’s within your control: you and your choices.
- Delay your answer. Some people may have trouble standing up for themselves because they may not always know what they want. If you need time to consider your options and decide on a specific point, don’t hesitate to delay responding to a request. “Let me check my schedule and get back to you” is one example of how you might do this.
Practice in small ways
Standing up for yourself, especially to set boundaries, is a skill like any other, which can start to come to you more easily with practice. Practicing assertiveness in small, low-stakes ways can help you build the confidence and ability to do it in more effective forms in the future. Research suggests that practicing this skill can indeed make a difference. One study found that teenagers who underwent “assertiveness training” experienced lower levels of stress, anxiety, and depression, perhaps because they felt more comfortable speaking up and had their needs met more often.
For example, if you often struggle to speak up when your waiter gets your order wrong, or when a co-worker dumps a load of work on you, start with small actions. Next time you go out to eat, you might ask the server for no mushrooms in your salad rather than picking them out yourself. It may seem like a small, inconsequential action, but it can help you build momentum over time.
Another way to practice might be using assertive body language, such as maintaining steady eye contact, standing tall with shoulders back, or using open gestures when communicating. “Practice makes perfect” may not be true, but “practice makes better” certainly is!
Be prepared for feelings of guilt
If you’re accustomed to consistently putting the needs and desires of others first, it may make you feel guilty when you start to prioritize your own. If you anticipate this possibility, it might help you avoid getting sidetracked. Recognize that this feeling is a remnant of an unhealthy and untrue pattern of thinking that says that you don’t have the right to choose the best choices for your own well-being. Becoming an assertive person doesn’t happen overnight, but it can be achieved through consistent work. Notice any feelings of guilt, acknowledge them, and see if you can practice letting it go.
Takeaway
What are examples of standing up for yourself?
Standing up for yourself typically means choosing to stay true to your core values and beliefs when they are questioned. Some examples include:
- Being insulted. Telling someone speaking to you disrespectfully, “You can’t talk to me like that,” or something similar asserts your self-respect and shows the person insulting you that you will not tolerate their behavior.
- Unfair employers. If your boss doesn’t respect your boundaries, schedules you outside of your availability, or assigns an unmanageable workload, you can stand up for yourself by asserting your boundaries and asking for support with your work.
- Unhealthy relationships. If a romantic partner does not treat you with kindness and respect, you can stand up for yourself by demanding changed behavior or leaving the relationship.
How do you benefit from standing up for yourself?
Standing up for oneself is an essential skill in nearly all areas of life, but the benefits are sometimes unclear. In some areas, like work or school, standing up for yourself represents an important component of self-advocacy and is often required to combat institutional unfairness or get the help you need to succeed. Standing up for yourself at work or school might have material benefits, like securing a promotion or earning an advanced degree, but it is also likely that a willingness to stand up for yourself bolsters self-esteem.
High self-esteem not only enables you to stand up for yourself, but it can also boost resilience, making it easier to manage stressful situations. It also typically makes it easier to stand up for yourself when someone is verbally attacking or disparaging you. Besides self-esteem, being able to stand up for yourself also likely reduces the risk that you can be manipulated or pressured into a decision or situation, such as making a large purchase or deciding not to pursue a promotion.
What do you learn from standing up for yourself?
Standing up for yourself might teach you your capabilities and boundaries when confronting others. We sometimes find ourselves in situations where the average person might choose not to stand up for themselves to avoid conflict. In those cases, they can learn where their absolute boundaries are and whether they need to be expanded. If someone never stands up for themselves, they will likely be taken advantage of and looked down upon. If they stand up for themselves too much, they will likely be seen as confrontational or unwilling to accept the needs of others.
People might also learn to improve their ability to advocate for themselves. Like any skill, self-advocacy requires practice to improve. Once someone begins, it often becomes easier as they continue. They might acquire more advanced ways of standing up for themselves, such as negotiation tactics or leveraging network connections.
What trait describes standing up for yourself?
The trait most commonly associated with standing up for oneself is assertiveness. Assertiveness refers to confident and forceful behavior, such as what is required for strong self-advocacy. Although assertiveness isn’t a personal trait on most personality measures, it has been correlated to the Big Five personality traits (neuroticism, extroversion, openness, agreeableness, conscientiousness).
The results of that research suggest that those likely to be assertive tend to be high in extraversion and conscientiousness. Neuroticism was found to have an inverse relationship with assertiveness, meaning that higher neuroticism scores indicated a person was less likely to be assertive. No relationship was found between agreeableness, openness, and assertiveness.
How do you stand up for yourself in professional settings?
Standing up for yourself in professional settings is sometimes challenging due to the added complexity of professional interpersonal interactions. “Office politics” and other factors may mean you must choose your battles in the workplace, only standing up for yourself when necessary. It is typically helpful to consider how and when you choose to stand up for yourself, as someone who is overly assertive may be at risk of adverse effects.
Another consideration is self-control. Self-advocacy in professional settings often requires putting personal feelings aside and taking a rational, measured approach. Making sure your emotions are under control before standing up for yourself is likely helpful in all settings, but professional settings are typically less forgiving of emotional outbursts than friends and family. If you start to feel that your emotions are taking control, exiting the situation and resuming another time is typically beneficial.
You may want to consider standing up for yourself in writing, such as by submitting your grievance or request via email rather than face-to-face conversation. Asserting yourself in writing not only helps prevent emotional confrontations but also establishes a written record of your attempt to assert your needs.
How do you stand up for yourself in life?
Standing up for oneself is likely an essential life skill, but not everyone learns it equally. For example, those whose parents were strict may have been harshly disciplined for asserting themselves, making it harder for them to do so as adults. Some of the common tips below may be helpful for those learning to stand up for themselves as adults.
- Practice open and honest expression. Communicating with transparency and authenticity requires practice. Often, it is easier to be dishonest about wants and needs than to assert them. Practicing honest communication when discussing low-stakes topics can make it easier when a high-stakes need to stand up for yourself appears.
- Learn to ignore attacks. If someone berates, insults, or criticizes you unfairly, jumping straight to defense and engaging in their attack is often tempting. However, letting them finish gives you time to gather emotional control and consider the appropriate response (or lack of response) before you acknowledge their comments.
- Communicate deliberately. Learning to be straightforward without sounding accusatory is likely an essential part of standing up for yourself. Standing up for yourself doesn’t mean attacking another person to get what you want, but rather civilly and directly asserting your point of view. If you don’t appear aggressive or accusational, you may get a better response from the person you are confronting.
Why is it important to stand up for others?
Not everyone is capable of standing up for themselves. For many, an advocate other than themselves is necessary before meaningful change occurs. If you are adept at standing up for yourself, you can likely use those skills to advocate for others who may lack the skills to advocate for themselves. It is possible that your actions could be the difference between the other person receiving help, resources, and relief or having their request denied completely.
Why is standing up for what is right important?
Humans are social animals, and we are all tasked with caring for our society. That might mean defending the environment, maintaining cultural values, or advocating for others, among many other things. While humans have needed society to survive since its earliest days, many prioritize self-interest over the greater good. Standing up for what’s right can help defray the impact of selfish or ignorant individuals and secure the rights entitled to every human. In addition, people’s preconceived notions can often fall out of sync with reality, and standing up for what’s right can help make others aware of their misunderstanding.
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