How To Learn To Trust Again
Trust is generally a foundational element in almost any type of relationship. It’s what allows both people to feel safe and comfortable being vulnerable and authentic. However, trust can be dynamic. Over time, people can build, break, and rebuild trust.
If you’ve had your trust betrayed before, it can seem difficult to open yourself up to trusting again—but it is possible. While there isn’t necessarily one right way to approach this situation, there are a few methods you can use when learning to trust again.
Why trust is important
Plentiful research over the years has found links between strong social connections and both mental and physical health and well-being. One study even found that close social connections actually correlate with longevity. Since trust is the basis of most close or committed relationships, learning to trust people again can have significant benefits for you.
Although trust is often brought up in reference to romantic relationships and infidelity, it’s a concept that’s relevant and important in all kinds of relationships, including:
- Friends and family you’re close to
- Connections with coworkers or a professional mentor/mentee
- Your relationship with a doctor or a therapist (as they can typically only provide the care that you need if you can trust them enough to tell them the truth about your situation)
Why it can be hard to trust again
Past experiences are one of the most common reasons someone may have to put in significant effort to trust again. Humans aren’t perfect, so broken trust is a scenario most of us will experience or play a part in throughout our lives. Violated trust and betrayal can happen in a variety of settings:
- During childhood, with a parent or caregiver breaking our trust at a young age
- With a romantic partner as an adult
- In friendships at various points in life
- In extreme cases, experiencing trauma like war or violent crime could also leave you with a distrust of others in general
Tips for learning to trust again
When you place your faith or trust in someone, there’s always the risk that you’ll experience betrayal. It’s part of the human experience for all of us. So while trusting someone may always seem significant and maybe a little scary, there are a few methods you can try to get yourself to the point where you feel ready to do it.
Start slowly
In many situations, trust is built over time, bit by bit. So if you’re feeling some self-doubt about starting to build a trusting relationship with someone, remind yourself that it’s okay and even smart to go slowly—especially at first. Don’t be afraid to require someone to respect your boundaries; boundary-setting can help you keep things at a pace that’s comfortable for you.
At the beginning of a romantic relationship, for example, you may choose to wait a certain amount of time before being physically intimate, before meeting the person’s family and friends, or before sharing certain things about yourself. It’s okay to want to trust a person in a certain way before moving things to the next step, which may seem safer and more comfortable for you.
Learn to identify red flags
Sometimes, a violation of trust catches us completely by surprise. It's common for people to be overcome with shock when someone they thought was trustworthy ends up betraying them.
Other times, we can look back on a situation and see that there were red flags we wished we’d noticed along the way. To prevent these kinds of situations, it can be helpful to familiarize yourself with warning signs and “red flags.” While being too strict or black-and-white about red flags can lead you to push everyone away, watching out for potentially unhealthy patterns (like someone who has a tendency to lie) can be a key element in avoiding future pain.
A therapist can be a beneficial resource to help you examine situations or relationships in your past that turned out to be harmful so you can be aware of those dynamics if they arise again in the future. That way, you may be able to save yourself from instances of broken trust before you emotionally invest in someone too significantly.
Work through past hurt
Working through the hurt feelings or even emotional trauma that you may have experienced in your past can be a necessary part of healing. If you do not engage with this part of the process, you may find it difficult or even impossible to express emotional vulnerability with someone. Or, you might assume past patterns will repeat themselves in new relationships, even without any evidence. In other words, not properly processing the hard times you’ve been through in the past (or in some cases, learning how to forgive) can hold you back in the future. A therapist can help with this processing.
Online therapy for repairing trust
A mental health professional can provide a safe space for you to talk about these experiences and the feelings associated with them so you can move forward in a healthy way. They may also be able to teach you ways to approach the subject of forgiveness. In some cases, they can provide tips for you to let go of someone you blame for damaging your ability to trust. If a mental health condition like depression or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is playing a role in your inability to trust, they may help you uncover strategies for managing the associated symptoms as well.
The idea of talking openly about difficult past experiences can be upsetting. That’s why it can be crucial to find a counselor who you feel comfortable with and who fits your needs. With a virtual therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can be matched with a licensed therapist based on your answers to a questionnaire about your needs and goals. You can then meet with your therapist virtually—via phone call or video chat—from the comfort of your own home.
A growing body of research suggests that online therapy can help people with concerns about trust in relationships. A study published in a peer-reviewed research journal found that online therapy can help promote trust in people seeking help for that specific concern. The report found that the potential benefits provided by internet-based therapy platforms may help patients open up more quickly. This information is in line with research that suggests that online counseling is useful in managing a number of mental health challenges, including those related to communication, trust, and relationships.
Counselor review
Takeaway
Can you learn to trust someone again?
In many cases, it is possible to rebuild trust in a relationship after it breaks. However, it generally takes genuine desire and work from both parties for this to be possible. Any past breaches of trust typically have to be addressed and healed from, mistakes must be addressed and forgiven, and new ways of interacting often need to be formed.
How do I learn to regain trust?
It is possible to regain the ability to trust others, even if a partner, family, or friend has done wrong and broken your trust in the past. Starting slowly, working through past hurt, learning to practice forgiveness, and discovering how to recognize red flags can all be helpful parts of the process as you explore how to rebuild trust.
How can I gain trust again?
It’s generally wise to start slowly when you decide to work toward regaining the ability to trust again, whether you’re giving someone in particular a second chance or opening yourself up to more trusting relationships in general. Acknowledging and addressing the ways in which you’ve been hurt or betrayed in the past can be an important part of this process in the beginning. Next, figuring out what it looks like for you to engage in forgiveness and learning to look out for red flags in future relationships can be helpful as well. For further guidance, you might consider meeting with a therapist.
How do I learn to be more trusting?
Becoming more trusting of someone else can take time, especially if you've experienced a betrayal or have undergone some other reason to lose trust in the past. Working through any such past hurt, identifying and learning to manage your triggers related to trust, and looking out for red flags can all be helpful.
Why is it hard to trust again?
It can be hard to trust after experiencing a breach or betrayal because of the fear of going through that type of pain again. There is always risk involved in trusting someone, even in healthy relationships, so getting comfortable with that vulnerability once again can take time.
How do you fix trust issues?
Overcoming fears related to trusting others in relationships can take time and effort. You may need to start by acknowledging and addressing past hurts and examining what you may have learned from those situations. Figuring out how to identify red flags may help you avoid similar situations in the future. Deciding what you need from someone in order to build trust going forward can also help—and from there, you can communicate your needs to work together to build a strong foundation.
Why do I trust people so easily?
There are many different reasons a person may be too easy to trust. Some possible explanations could include low self-esteem or naivete. Or, in some cases, routinely trusting people too easily could represent a type of risky behavior, which could sometimes be a symptom of a mental health condition like post-traumatic stress disorder or a manic episode of bipolar disorder.
How do I know if I can trust someone?
There’s no way to know for sure if you can trust someone. Trust involves inherent risk. However, you can sharpen your skills in terms of evaluating others to help you identify red flags and weed out people who are clearly not worthy of your trust. Learning about common red flags, checking with trusted friends or family for their impressions as you get to know someone new, and working with a therapist could all be helpful in getting better at gauging whether you can trust someone.
How to fix my relationship?
How to fix your relationship depends on what problems you’re facing in it. In general, however, communication, addressing past mistakes and hurt, practicing forgiveness, and finding healthier ways to move forward with mutual respect and support can all help. Meeting with a couples counselor could be useful as well.
Why is trust important?
Trust is considered to be a foundational element of most healthy relationships. It’s what allows both people to show up as their flawed, authentic selves and to relax into a shared space that feels safe and welcoming. It’s what empowers open and honest communication as well, which is another element of relationships that’s often considered foundational.
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