How To Be Happy Alone And Embrace Solitude
Happiness is a very individualized concept, meaning that each person has a different idea of what it means to be happy—and it usually looks very different from the glamorous snapshots we see on people’s social media.
However, there are some common threads between happy people. According to a long-term study done by Harvard researchers, having fulfilling social connections and prioritizing intrinsic happiness over desires like fame and fortune usually contributes to the most happiness. If you’re having trouble in your new search for happiness, it may be helpful to work with a licensed therapist. You can do so online or in person.
What does it mean to be happy?
It can be challenging to truly define the concept of happiness, but in recent years, the field of positive psychology has developed in an attempt to break down happiness in a way that’s understandable and manageable. In many ways, positive psychology seeks to find answers to what Greek philosophers like Socrates and Plato called “Eudaimonia,” which they considered the highest possible state of well-being for which all people should strive. People tend to have widely differing opinions when it comes to how we should be striving for that happiness.
For the most part, people tend to overthink the concept of happiness. We may not constantly be monitoring our overall happiness, but if we stop to really think about it, we tend to know whether or not we’re happy with our lives.
How to be happy alone: questions to think about
When do I find myself feeling happiest?
What do I think will make me happiest in the future?
What did I used to think would make me happiest in the future? Was I right?
Which people make me feel happy when they’re around?
What did I do today that made me happy? Why did I do it?
None of these answers may settle the age-old question of “what is happiness,” but they may bring that answer into focus. At the very least, they may help you begin to paint a picture of what your version of happiness looks like, and that can be a great place to start.
Cultivating lifelong happiness and contentment
As anyone who’s experienced the sugar high and inevitable crash after eating too much candy may know, chasing fleeting happiness is not usually an efficient or sustainable goal. It can be important to find happiness in the moment, but this pursuit generally should not exist at the expense of long-term happiness.
Research shows that spending time on satisfying relationships and maintaining physical health can substantially benefit one’s happiness. In one of the longest-running studies of adult life, Harvard University researchers collated facts on a group of one-time undergraduates since the late 1930s. Since its beginning, the study has also grown to include the original subjects’ children—many of whom are now in their 50s and 60s—as well expanding to other people in their communities. The result is over 80 years of records on the physical and mental health of the subjects, and the most expansive study ever performed on what is most likely to create a happy life.
In particular, the study focused on what aspects of people’s lives were the best predictors of long-term happiness. What they discovered was that, more than anything, people who were satisfied with their relationships with other people at age 50 were much more likely to be happy at age 80. Next to that, they found that people who took the best care of their bodies throughout their 20s, 30s, and 40s generally had a higher likelihood of reporting lifelong happiness.
What can we learn from this study, which is as close to a scientific answer to “what will make me happy?” as we have available to us? Let’s distill those lessons into two points:
1: Social connections can keep us happy and healthy
The researchers in the Harvard study have unequivocally asserted that people with strong connections to their friends, family, communities, or any combination of the three will usually live longer, happier lives. This doesn’t necessarily mean you need to start forming as many relationships as possible. Some people are happiest with just one or two relationships and can still receive the full mental and physical benefits as long as those relationships are meaningful. Quality, not quantity, is generally the key.
This may be our biggest takeaway, but there may be a few important things to remember. First, “relationships” do not always have to be romantic. Forming quality friendships can be just as important for our mental health and wellness. This can take time, but it’s usually worth it!
Second, there may be no such thing as a perfect relationship. The Harvard researchers noted that even the subjects who reported being happiest in their relationships still tended to bicker with their partners from time to time. What was normally important was that, when push came to shove, they entirely trusted their partner to have their back. Remember to hold other people, and yourself, to realistic standards. No one can be perfect all the time!
2: It can be important to orient your priorities toward happiness
In his TED Talk, Robert Waldinger, the fourth director of the Harvard study, mentioned that the most commonly reported life goals for millennials were fame and fortune. However, over the 80 years of the Harvard study, neither of those was nearly as strong a predictor of happiness as having strong relationships. Sometimes, when we orient ourselves toward long-term material goals, we do so without knowing if they will really make us happy in the end.
For example, some people dedicate their entire education to careers that will make them financially successful, only to discover in the end that they don’t enjoy the work itself. This isn’t the case for everyone, but it goes to show that we may never count on prioritizing goals based on money or status to give us fulfillment. It can be important to keep perspective and, when you’re really trying to figure out what will make you happy in the long run, to prioritize the things you know will make a difference in your happiness.
Journaling about what makes you happy
You might spend time writing down a list of five things that make you happy and five things that you think will make you happy in life. Take a moment to realize which of these are short-term goals and which are long-term. Don’t be afraid to ask other people for their advice or input. Everyone’s version of happiness tends to be a bit different, and there may always be something to be learned from telling and listening to other people’s experiences.
How therapy can help with embracing solitude
The truth is that the question, “What will make me happy?” is almost always too big for any one person to handle on their own. It’s a question that’s likely occurred to almost every person since the beginning of time, and yet it’s still debatable whether there’s one true answer. But no one has to go it alone. Talking to a therapist can be immensely helpful when trying to figure out how to escape loneliness and embrace solitude.
With online therapy, individuals can reach out to their therapists through video, phone calls, and text, potentially making it easier than ever to communicate with a mental health professional.
Sometimes, just having someone’s professional, objective opinion can make all the difference. Online therapy, which is often even more available and affordable than in-person therapy while being just as effective, can provide an amazing opportunity for perspective and guidance.
Takeaway
For many, the key to finding happiness in solitude without feeling lonely is understanding it’s a journey, not a destination. It often requires constant awareness and effort to understand ourselves, set intelligent goals, and surround ourselves with positive relationships and experiences. By being honest with ourselves, staying true to our values, maintaining our physical health (such as keeping our blood pressure and glucose within normal range), and striving for personal growth, we can all hope to one day discover true happiness. Working with a licensed therapist online can also be helpful in your search for happiness and fulfillment.
How can I be happy even if I am lonely?
Finding ways to cope with loneliness begins with accepting your feelings. Loneliness is an often-stigmatized feeling associated with shame, but it is a common experience. Acknowledging your feelings can help you cope with them and move forward. Once you’ve laid a foundation of acceptance, here are a few steps you can take to find happiness and fulfillment during times of loneliness:
Get to know yourself better during moments of solitude
Take this time alone to learn more about yourself. You may do this by reflecting on your priorities, goals, and values. What aspirations do you have for the future? What are your interests, and what are you passionate about? Reflecting on questions like these in a journal or writing them in a letter to yourself can help you begin a path to personal growth while alone.
Practice regular self-care
Take care of your physical, mental, and emotional well-being by engaging in activities that nourish and support you physically and psychologically. This might include exercise, nutritious eating, getting enough sleep, practicing mindfulness, spending time in nature, and engaging in hobbies you enjoy. Regular self-care can contribute to significant mental and physical health benefits.
Give to others, make volunteering one of your hobbies
Volunteering your time, energy, or resources can help you feel more connected by engaging in a cause that’s larger than yourself. This type of connection can help deter feelings of loneliness and cultivate better well-being.
Practice gratitude and make journaling a daily habit
Cultivate a sense of gratitude by expressing appreciation for the things you have and the beauty around you, no matter how small. Keep a gratitude journal or practice gratitude exercises to help you shift your focus away from feelings of loneliness and towards the positive things in your life.
Cultivate self-compassion to nurture a sense of contentment
Treat yourself with kindness, understanding, and compassion at all times—but especially during times of loneliness. You can practice self-compassion by offering yourself the same care and empathy you would provide to a loved one. This will create a sense of contentment for yourself.
Focus on personal growth, try meditation and mindfulness exercises
Make an effort to learn new things or practice a new skill while you’re alone. Set personal goals, explore new interests, or work on self-improvement projects that align with your passions and interests. You could use this time alone to practice meditation and mindfulness exercises, where you can reflect on yourself and your interests in life. Research suggests that creative activities, in particular, can help stave off loneliness and cultivate better well-being.
Stay connected
While you might be physically alone, you can still stay connected with others through phone calls, video chats, or virtual events. Reach out to friends, family members, or support groups to maintain social connections.
While it might seem like a good medium for connecting with others, take a break from social media. Studies indicate that positive experiences on social media may not significantly decrease feelings of isolation, and negative experiences can substantially increase people’s sense of isolation and loneliness.
Seek professional help to find guidance on how to be happy alone
If feelings of loneliness persist and impact your mental health, consider seeking support from a therapist, counselor, or mental health professional. They can provide guidance, perspective, and coping strategies to help you navigate loneliness and find happiness.
Can a person be happy alone?
It is possible to be happy alone, and some people are happier in their own company than they are with others.
How can I feel happy alone all the time?
Finding happiness when you’re alone can be extremely rewarding and often begins with building a relationship with yourself. Try to get to know yourself as you would another person with whom you’d like to form a relationship. This means doing so without judgment but with curiosity. Remember to refrain from personal expectations and accept yourself as you are.
How do I stop feeling lonely?
People’s experiences with loneliness typically vary, and what works for one person may not work for another. However, there are a few things one can do that may help alleviate feelings of loneliness and isolation:
Take initiative to build new connections
Take the initiative to connect with friends, family members, or peers and engage in social interactions. Join clubs, groups, or classes that align with your interests to meet new people and build connections.
Volunteer for a cause
Volunteer for a cause you care about to find a sense of purpose, connection, and social engagement. Volunteer work can also help you meet like-minded individuals and build a sense of community.
Pursue hobbies that make you happy
Pursue activities, hobbies, or interests that bring you joy and fulfillment. You might join a class, club, or group related to your interests and passions to meet new people and expand your social circle.
Stay connected with others
Use technology to stay connected with others and reach out to friends or family members for regular check-ins.
Focus on self-care, stop comparing yourself to others
While technology can help reduce isolation, avoid comparing yourself to others through social media or other platforms. Instead, focus on your own well-being and practice self-care. Seeing posts about other people socializing with loved ones or attending events might increase feelings of isolation. Additionally, you’re only seeing what people choose to discuss about their lives on social media. The reality of what’s happening in their lives outside the social media feed might be very different.
Practice meditation and mindfulness
Try to meditate and build a deeper connection with yourself. Be mindful of the things that make you happy even when you’re alone and focus on these things.
How do I accept being alone?
It may take some time, but acceptance begins with understanding why you’re struggling. For many, fear is the primary driver behind their difficulty accepting that they’re alone. This fear can stem from past experiences such as abandonment or neglect in childhood, a lack of self-love that compels people to avoid being alone with their thoughts and feelings, or social stigma around loneliness and what it means to be alone.
Once you’ve identified the potential things contributing to your fear of loneliness, you can work on understanding them better and, ultimately, becoming comfortable with being alone. Many people seek guidance from a mental health professional to accomplish these goals.
Why am I single and lonely?
Being single and being lonely are two different issues that can be addressed in various ways. There are many possible reasons why you are single, and in the end, only you can answer that question for sure. Here are some common reasons why people find themselves single and, as a result, lonely:
- Lack of connections: It may be challenging to find a partner if you don’t have many connections with others socially, at work, or through family.
- High standards and unrealistic expectations: Having high standards or unrealistic expectations for relationships can make it challenging to find a compatible partner.
- Past experiences: Previous relationships, experiences of rejection, or emotional wounds can impact one’s ability or willingness to build new relationships.
- Unhealthy attachment styles: People with fearful or anxious attachment styles formed in childhood may find it challenging to create meaningful connections with others.
- Low self-esteem: Lack of self-love or low self-esteem can impact your ability to establish and maintain healthy relationships.
- Life transitions: Major life transitions like moving to a new city, changing jobs, or profound loss can disrupt social connections.
What happens when you are single for too long?
The effects of being single for a long time vary between individuals and circumstances. Apart from practical adjustments in one’s life, such as cooking for one or establishing a daily routine around one’s own habits, being single for a long time has other potential impacts, too. While these might not apply to everyone, some effects of long-term singlehood include:
- Loneliness
- Fear of rejection
- Diminished self-esteem
- Increased social anxiety
- Reduced desire for a romantic relationship
There are also some potentially positive outcomes when one remains single for a long time—for example, personal growth. One may establish a strong sense of independence and self-reliance. They might be better equipped to handle unexpected obstacles, develop greater emotional resilience, and learn to cope with challenges alone.
Long-term single people might also prioritize their self-care, career goals, hobbies, and friendships instead of focusing on a relationship. They might invest their time alone in self-exploration and introspection, learning about their own values and interests.
What do single people do when they’re lonely?
Effective coping strategies for loneliness will likely vary between single people. What works for one person may not work for another, but many choose to reach out to friends, family, and loved ones when they feel lonely. Single people might also engage in group activities with like-minded individuals, such as taking a class or volunteering. Engaging in self-care activities like exercise, spending time in nature, or a creative hobby can help stave off feelings of loneliness, as can reaching out to others who might need support in coping with life’s challenges.
Why is being single so painful?
The painful feelings you experience while being single may be driven by various factors. For example, societal stereotypes of single people as insecure, sad, lonely, and unhappy can make it uncomfortable to be single. You might also feel pressured by friends, family, or society in general to find a partner and “settle down.” Comparing yourself to others who aren’t single or seem to be single and well-adjusted might make you feel worse about being single.
Self-judgment is a significant factor in unhappiness in any situation, including when you’re single. When we engage in negative self-talk such as “I’ll never find anyone” or “I’m single because I’m unlovable,” it can create emotional pain and isolation that may eventually lead to a more serious mental health condition. If you find yourself engaging in negative self-talk, reach out for support from friends, family, or a therapist who can provide perspective.
How can I be ok with being single forever?
While it might be unrealistic to assume you’ll be single forever, acceptance is the first step to accepting the possibility. Working on acceptance will likely require some time, patience, and self-reflection, but it is possible. If necessary, consult a mental health professional to help you on the journey. In the meantime, immerse yourself in time spent doing the things you enjoy, learn something new, and volunteer your time to help others. Consider traveling, working on self-improvement, and connecting regularly with friends and family.
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