Setting Boundaries: How To Navigate Living With Strangers

When you need a roommate, you may not always have the luxury of moving in with someone you know. Whether it’s your first year of college or you’ve just moved to a new neighborhood or city, there are times when finding a stranger to live with may be necessary. It can be daunting to share space with someone new, and you're likely to face an adjustment period and potentially some disagreements along the way. That said, going in equipped with a few tips and strategies could help improve the experience for you both.

Strategies for getting along with roommates

The tips below might help you get everyone on the same page from the beginning. 

Decide on house rules

Sitting down with your roommate(s) early on to decide on mutual non-negotiables like quiet hours, guest/visitor policies, and shared financial matters can help you avoid conflict in these areas in the future. There’s no one way for these basic rules to look, as they depend on the needs and preferences of each person. They just need to be reasonable to and agreed upon by all parties. Remember that compromises may need to be made.

Some people find it helpful to compile these agreed-upon rules into a written roommate agreement or contract. This can ensure that everyone understands the shared expectations and agrees to follow the house rules. It can also be used as a starting point for discussion if a roommate consistently breaks one of the rules or is not holding up their end of the bargain regarding household duties. 

Divide the chores

Without clear expectations of who will do what around the house, the chores can end up falling to one person—and such an arrangement is likely to create resentment over time. That’s why it can be helpful to agree about the division of labor at the start. You might cover topics like cleaning, cooking, shopping, and any other duties that you all will benefit from.

Schedule regular house meetings with everyone you live with

Monthly or quarterly check-in meetings with all the roommates can be a good way to help ensure everyone is happy with the arrangement and keeping up with their responsibilities. Allowing space for each person to share any issues or questions they may have can provide an opportunity for you to resolve conflict together before it has a chance to fester. Making it clear at the start that only respectful communication will be tolerated during these meetings may be advisable.

Communication tips for handling conflict when living with strangers

Setting up guidelines and checking in regularly can help minimize potential conflict, but it still may occur. This is a natural part of sharing a space with someone, since the way things like finances or personal space are handled or defined may differ significantly from person to person depending on upbringing, culture, and personality. That being said, there are ways to communicate that allow you to get your point across while remaining respectful. 

The four communication styles

There are four basic communication styles: assertive, aggressive, passive, and passive-aggressive. Let’s say your roommate came in late last night and watched TV on a high volume, waking you up. See below for a brief description of each type of communication along with a sample of dialogue that illustrates how it might look in this situation. 

Assertive communication

Assertive communication is generally considered to be the gold standard for interpersonal communication. Being assertive means clearly, directly, and honestly stating one’s needs. It respects and makes space for the thoughts, feelings, and needs of others while respectfully asserting one’s own.   

Example: “I have trouble sleeping at night and I wake up easily. I would appreciate it if you use headphones if you want to watch TV past eleven o’clock.”

Aggressive communication

Aggressive communication typically does not acknowledge the feelings and needs of others and centralizes one’s own. Someone employing an aggressive communication style might also be hostile and defensive when confronted by other people. 

Example: “You had the TV on loud last night and it woke me up. You’re so selfish—you never think of anyone else!”

Passive communication

Passive communication can look like ignoring one’s own wants and needs in favor of others’. It’s a common communication method for conflict-avoidant people. Being passive may seem easier in the moment for some, but it can lead to pent-up resentment over time. 

Example: Not saying anything, but continuing to be awakened at night by the loud TV and getting more and more frustrated each day.

Passive-aggressive communication

Passive-aggressive communication is when a person uses sarcasm or indirect communication to get their point across. It’s often unhelpful because it doesn’t involve stating one’s needs clearly and it usually doesn’t consider the needs or perspective of others, either. It can also come off as sharp or rude, which can further damage a relationship and harm the chances of finding a solution together.

Example: Giving your roommate the silent treatment, or saying something like “Oh, don’t worry about my rest or anything. I don’t care if you watch TV in the middle of the night at full volume when I’m trying to sleep.” 

Ways to improve your communication style when living with strangers

Effective communication doesn’t necessarily happen naturally, but it can be learned through practice and by consuming resources on the topic. Here are a few general tips for communication that may help you along the way:

• It’s often best to avoid starting a conversation when you’re feeling angry. Instead, you might wait until you can speak about the topic calmly.
• Using “I” language rather than “you” language can help you communicate without placing blame and unnecessarily escalating the situation. For example, you might phrase it as, “I have trouble sleeping and the noise wakes me up” rather than “You have the TV on too loud.”
• Practicing active listening and genuinely aiming to understand the other person’s perspective is usually a key component of strong communication—even if you don’t agree with them. 
• Offering a solution or asking if the other person can think of one can also be useful; without this piece, conversations about conflict can spiral into unproductive exchanging of blame.

How therapy can help you get along with the people you live with

Living with others can be a stressful experience, especially if you have personalities that don’t line up well. Even in relationships that are relatively low-conflict, challenges can arise from time to time. Therapy can be helpful in learning to navigate all kinds of relationships in your life. A trained therapist can help you polish your communication skills, learn stress-management techniques, build self-esteem, and work on any number of other strategies that may help you live more harmoniously with others around you.

Benefits of online therapy for improving interpersonal relationships

In-person therapy is not a practical or desirable format for everyone, however. Those who have trouble leaving the house or finding reliable transportation or who would simply prefer to engage in therapy from the comfort of home may want to explore virtual methods like online therapy. With a platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist who you can meet with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from home or anywhere you have a stable internet connection.

What research says about the effectiveness of online therapy

Research suggests that online therapy can be as effective as in-person care in many cases. One study in particular indicates that online therapy can be effective in helping an individual manage anger and aggression, which can be important for living peacefully with someone else.