The Comparison Trap: How To Stop Comparing Yourself To Others

Comparing ourselves to others is a natural human tendency. When we live and work among other people, we observe their behaviors, relationships, and accomplishments. Combine these in-person interactions with social media, and you may find yourself stuck in the comparison trap—constantly comparing yourself to others, regardless of how hard you try to focus on your own life. 

At times, comparison can be motivating and inspire you to lead a better life, but constantly comparing yourself to others can take a toll on your mental health. If you have been feeling the negative effects of comparison, there are steps you can take to stop playing the comparison game and gain a healthier perspective. 

In this article, we’ll review the psychology behind comparison and why we’re compelled to compare, plus four strategies to combat harmful comparisons and invest in your personal growth instead.

Why do we compare ourselves to others? 

Many of us may be familiar with the negative feelings that can arise after focusing intensely on other people’s accomplishments—after doing so, we may feel low and less confident in our own abilities and moments of success. Given these negative effects, why do so many of us continue to compare ourselves to others, and how can comparison affect our mental health? 

In psychology, an extensive body of research has examined this dynamic. At the most basic level, social comparison describes our tendency to evaluate ourselves based on “standards” established by people around us, which offer information about how we should behave, think, and feel in various social contexts. Depending on cultural norms as well as our own values, we may envy other people’s careers, families, homes, and other achievements and material possessions. 

The social comparison theory can be a useful tool to frame and understand our tendency to compare. This theory was originally proposed by American psychologist Leon Festinger, who suggested that people tend to constantly seek honest self-evaluations and therefore start to compare themselves to others to gain more clarity.

The theory posits that this process of comparison “plays a significant role in self-image and subjective well-being.” Emotionally, many of us experience the pull of comparison on a near-daily basis, whether we’re talking to a coworker about their promotion or swiping through social media. 

The pros and cons of comparing yourself to other people

While the negative effects of social comparison may come to mind first for many of us, there can be both pros and cons to comparing yourself to others. 

Some of the possible benefits of comparing yourself to others include: 

• Providing information to help you make important judgments and decisions in social contexts.
• Creating motivation to work toward a goal and generally become a better person.
• Cultivating appreciation of your current possessions and trajectory in life, based on the self-reflection that tends to happen when we make social comparisons.
• Supporting a strong sense of identity based on honest comparisons between yourself and others.

Despite these potential benefits, chronic comparison can negatively affect your relationships with yourself and other people. Some of the potential downsides of comparison include: 

• Reducing self-confidence, particularly when you dwell on your perceived imperfections or “failures” relative to someone else’s successes.
• Setting unrealistic expectations of yourself and where you “should” be in life.
• Instilling envy toward others due to their possessions, attributes, achievements, or other desirable qualities. 
• Cultivating a tendency to dwell on your shortcomings and past mistakes. 
• Negatively affecting mental health, as research has suggested that social comparison has “a significant association with depression and anxiety.”

Four ways to stop comparing yourself to others

Comparison may be a natural tendency, but there are several ways to try to combat the negative effects of social comparison and protect your mental health:

1. Take a break from social media

On social media platforms, other people's lives are curated for the world to see. There may be some truth to our digital lives, but these online representations often focus more on the “highlights”—the vacations, the achievements, the friends—without giving the full picture. 

If you find yourself scrolling through social media and comparing your life to someone else’s, consider taking a moment to reflect on how and why you use social media. These apps and websites can connect us to faraway friends and exciting ideas, but when we use social media without clear intentions or limits, these platforms can also harm our mental health. 

To break the scroll cycle, some people recommend a complete break from social media, while others might set a daily time limit—perhaps 20 or 30 minutes—for their media usage. Consider talking to friends and other loved ones about their relationships with social media, and then devise a plan that aligns with your values and needs for human connection, both in-person and online. 

2. Start a gratitude journal

When we focus on the highlights of someone else’s life, we may overlook the beauty of our own worlds. If you find yourself taking these daily sources of joy for granted, a simple journal can help you cultivate a spirit of gratitude. 

In a daily journal or notebook, consider taking a few moments to write down your primary sources of gratitude. Depending on the day, you might be especially thankful for a friend, a meaningful conversation, or even the release of the next episode of your favorite TV show after a long day.

3. Compare present you to your past self

If you take a moment to step back and reflect on the version of yourself from a year ago, five years ago, and even just two months ago, you may be pleasantly surprised by the relationships you’ve formed and what things you’ve achieved. These comparisons to your past self may allow you to gain a clearer perspective of your own growth and may be more productive and informative than comparing yourself to others.  

To keep track of your own success, consider making a daily or weekly journal entry with any recent achievements, new skills, and goals. In your journal (or even just a digital note on your phone), try responding to some of the following prompts to reflect on the “past you”:

• What made me feel proud this week?
• What have I learned this week? 
• What challenges did I face this week (or this month), and how would I approach these obstacles differently now? 

Regardless of how big or small, each moment of success matters; and your progress may become especially evident when compared to a previous version of yourself. 

4. Get additional support in therapy

Comparing yourself to others can have damaging effects that can be difficult to cope with on your own, such as reducing self-confidence and negatively impacting mental health, as mentioned earlier. For additional support in combating the negative effects of constant comparison and cultivating a healthier perspective, therapy can help. 

Help is available in person or online, but for some people experiencing adverse mental health effects from comparison, leaving the house for an in-person appointment may feel exhausting. Online therapy can be a convenient alternative, as it allows you to have therapy sessions wherever you have internet, so you can have sessions from home if that feels most comfortable. 

Several studies indicate the value of online therapy, including a recent review of the effectiveness of internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy (ICBT) for depression. The researchers reviewed 39 studies (totaling 9,751 participants) and found that therapist guided ICBT was beneficial to individuals with depression, especially those with moderate to severe symptoms. Online therapy has been used for a variety of other mental health conditions and may help individuals cope with the negative effects associated with social comparison.