The Importance Of Setting Boundaries For A Healthy Relationship

In any kind of relationship, boundaries can allow both people involved to understand how the other person wants to be treated. Establishing and respecting boundaries can be a key part of a strong, healthy relationship, as they can help ensure both people feel respected and comfortable with the dynamics. While boundaries are often talked about in romantic relationships, boundaries can be important for any type of healthy relationship, be it with a coworker, friend, or family member.

But setting boundaries can be challenging, and it is often easier said than done. Here, we’ll explore what boundaries can do for you and your relationships, and we’ll offer a few tips for how to go about establishing boundaries to help you take steps to meet your needs and care for your mental health. 

What are boundaries and how can they help?

So, what exactly are boundaries and what difference do they make in relationships? 

Types of boundaries

There are multiple types of boundaries you can establish in a relationship, including: 

1. Physical boundaries

Physical boundaries can involve your personal needs and preferences regarding your personal space, or body. People may express some of their physical boundaries through body language, establishing personal space. For example, some people like to greet people they know by hugging them. If you do not want to hug, you can extend your arm to offer a handshake, defining where your boundary is.

Physical boundaries in the context of relationships can include a variety of things. For example, you might express to someone that you need some personal space, so you go into a room and close the door. If they storm in without knocking, they would be crossing your boundary. Or, if you express that you need some time alone to recharge and are going for a walk, but someone insists on coming with you, this action could be crossing your boundary.

2. Emotional boundaries

Your emotional boundaries can define how emotionally available you are to other people and how much you might feel comfortable talking. Emotional boundaries can involve the ways in which you are able to be there for someone else, given your own needs and responsibilities. They can also involve what you are willing to share about your life with someone else.

For instance, if you have a friend, co-worker, family member, or partner who is always venting to you about their problems or probing you about your personal life, you can tell them what you are comfortable with and where your emotional boundary is. If they continue to push, you can restate where you stand and take the time you need for yourself. 

3. Mental boundaries

Mental boundaries involve your thoughts and beliefs. You’re not always going to agree with everyone, and not everyone is always going to agree with you, but we can still respect each other’s opinions. 

You have the right to form your own thoughts, beliefs, and opinions, even if they don’t align with those of your parents, partner, coworkers, or friends. If you express yourself and are met with condescension, intimidation, or aggression, you can maintain your boundary and walk away.

4. Sexual boundaries

One type of boundary that is unique to intimate relationships is sexual boundaries. These boundaries establish what you are comfortable with regarding your physical or sexual relationship with a partner, whether you have just met or have been in a relationship for a long time. 

Some people may have a high sex drive, while others may not be interested in sex at all. Some people may be interested in certain sexual acts, while others may not be comfortable with them. Each person can determine what exactly they are comfortable with and where their boundaries are, and they can also adjust these boundaries if they choose to. Consistently respecting each other’s sexual boundaries is essential. 

How can boundaries help strengthen a relationship?

Boundaries can create trust in a relationship. When your parent, partner, colleague, or friend respects your boundaries, it shows you that they are listening and respecting you. When you are in a relationship with mutual respect, you’re more likely to feel appreciated and validated, and the other person is likely not taking you for granted. This sense can strengthen your connection, as it can help you feel safe and valued in the relationship, rather than feeling disrespected, ignored, or dismissed. 

Respect goes both ways, so just as you would expect the other person to respect your personal boundaries, it is also important to respect theirs. When both people feel their boundaries are being respected in the relationship, whether they are romantic partners, family members, or coworkers, they may feel more comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings, therefore improving communication and reducing future conflicts.

Can boundaries be flexible?

Your boundaries can be flexible, and you can decide what they are and how you may want to adjust them with different people or different situations. As you get closer to someone, you may feel comfortable loosening your boundaries a little, or maybe you won’t. You may also decide to be a little more flexible with different people under different circumstances, and that can make sense, too. The choice is up to you.

Your boundaries are also likely to change from relationship to relationship, too. For example, you will likely have certain boundaries with your colleague that you won’t have with a sibling, and you’ll likely have different boundaries for a close friend than you would for a romantic partner. These changes can be big or small.

Tips for establishing boundaries

If you’re not used to setting and maintaining boundaries, it can be hard to know how to start. Here are some tips to consider to help you get started. 

1. Think about why you want to set boundaries in your relationship. 

Is there something making you uncomfortable? Is the other person continuing to do something that you don’t like? Identifying what is happening and what you need can be a good way to determine the boundary you need to set.

2. Start small. 

You don’t need to set big, rigid boundaries in all of your relationships all at once. You can start small, build them up slowly, and then re-evaluate. After setting small boundaries, you can ask yourself: are you heading in the right direction? Have things in your relationship improved with these small boundaries? Do you need to go further?

3. Set boundaries early in new relationships. 

Whether you make a new friend, start a new job, or meet a new romantic partner, try to set your boundaries and expectations from the very beginning. While you can establish boundaries in an existing relationship, it can sometimes be challenging for you and the other person to change. By putting boundaries in place at the beginning, everyone knows where they stand from the start. 

4. If someone crosses your boundaries, let them know. 

Communication can be an important piece of setting, maintaining, and reinforcing boundaries. If someone crosses one of your boundaries, you can speak up and communicate to them that you feel uncomfortable.

For example, if you have told a friend that there is a certain topic you don’t feel comfortable talking about, but they keep asking you about it, you can consider saying something like, “I don’t feel comfortable talking about that, can we talk about something else?”

5. Consider your own well-being.

Setting and maintaining boundaries can be a bold act of self-care. If you value yourself, your time, and your emotional, mental, and physical well-being, you will be more likely to maintain the boundaries that you’ve established.

6. Respect and appreciate other people’s boundaries. 

If you want others to respect your boundaries, it’s important to respect their boundaries as well. It wouldn’t be fair to disregard someone else’s boundaries but then expect them to honor yours—healthy relationships involve mutual respect, and boundaries can go both ways. 

How therapy can help

If you need help setting and maintaining healthy boundaries or want support navigating a relationship with someone who continues to ignore yours, consider talking to a therapist. Therapy can help you identify what boundaries might be useful for you in your relationships and give you the skills you need to help ensure your needs are met. 

When you’re trying to set and enforce new boundaries, it can be challenging and confusing at times, and you may find that you have questions popping up about how best to handle a situation—such as when a parent disrespects a boundary you’ve just set. In these situations, it can be helpful to be able to reach out for support in the moment. With online therapy through BetterHelp, you can use in-app messaging to reach out to your therapist at any time, and they will respond as soon as they can.  

Plus, research has demonstrated the effectiveness of online therapy for a range of concerns, including traits that can be useful when trying to set and enforce boundaries. For instance, one research study examined the effectiveness of an internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy (ICBT) program for low self-esteem in adolescents, and it concluded that “ICBT can be effective for treating low self-esteem”.