Understanding What Grief Is And Ways To Cope
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Are you struggling with understanding grief or feeling overwhelmed by a sense of loss? Grief can be a natural response to loss. It may be caused by the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or any other major life change. No matter what has happened, it can be helpful to understand that experiencing grief is often expected, and there may be ways for you to cope with it.
What is grief?
The American Psychological Association defines grief as the "anguish experienced after significant loss." Grief can come in many forms, including shock, sadness, anger, and even relief. You may even, in some cases, feel guilty. However, experiencing a range of emotions when dealing with difficult events can be essential to the healing process.
Grief is categorized into two main types: acute and persistent. The acute phase of grief lasts six to twelve months after a loss and may gradually fade away. Some, however, experience grief that continues beyond a year. This is known as persistent grief.
Thinking about grief as a defensive process your body uses to cope with the changes surrounding it can help manage the emotions that come with it. Your body is attempting to make sense of what has happened, which may be necessary for your healing journey.
Grief is an emotion that can affect everyone differently, with no two instances typically being the same. Many factors can influence your individual experience, and your grief may manifest in a number of ways. For example, you may feel overwhelmed, numb, or exhausted. You may also experience physical reactions such as changes in appetite or difficulty sleeping. In some cases it's possible to struggle with the use of a substance during this time (which can be referred to as substance use disorder, not “substance abuse.”) It can be beneficial to remember that it's okay to feel whatever emotions come up during this time, and they do not need to be suppressed but acknowledged.
Kübler-Ross stage theory of grief
In the 1960s, Swiss-American psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross proposed her stage theory of grief. Through interviews with people who had experienced significant loss or terminal illness, she identified five stages of grief:
- Denial and isolation: Acknowledging the reality of what has happened can be challenging. You may want to avoid or deny this pain and thus isolate yourself from people who may understand your situation or who may offer support and kindness, choosing instead to entrench yourself in the mindset of disbelief.
- Anger: As the idea of loss begins to sink in, you may become angry at those around you or the world in general for causing this pain. Anger may also be directed at yourself, so practicing self-compassion during these times can be helpful.
- Bargaining: As a form of coping, you may attempt to bargain with the world or a higher power to regain control. The bargaining stage may center around any unresolved feelings you have regarding your loss and could manifest as pleading for time or making promises of better behavior if something is returned (in some cases, a person who has died).
- Depression: During this phase, feelings of sadness and regret may arise as you struggle with loneliness or emptiness. Depression can also lead to physical symptoms such as a lack of appetite or fatigue.
- Acceptance: The last stage is a time for healing and accepting what has happened. While it does not necessarily mean you are entirely free from grief, it can be the beginning of a new chapter in which you may find a sense of peace within yourself.
The Kubler-Ross model has been used to provide a framework for understanding how people cope with the pain of grief. However, despite popular belief, these stages are not intended to be interpreted as linear. The order in which they occur and how long they last can vary depending on the individual. You may experience some or all of these stages multiple times; the order and duration are not set in stone.
Each person can uniquely cope with grief and loss, and there is no right or wrong approach. But through understanding the stages of grief, it can be beneficial to recognize what you may be feeling and know what could lie ahead.
How grief impacts your body
When you experience loss, it can change everything about you, both mentally and physically. Your brain may perceive grief as emotional trauma. This trauma can trigger your fight or flight response, a defensive mechanism to help you survive difficult situations. When this response is activated, your body increases blood pressure and releases hormones such as cortisol to defend you.
Untreated and unresolved grief may lead to chronic stress. Stress and grief can manifest in physical and emotional issues, including:
- Inflammation
- Depression
- Insomnia
- Intense feelings of anger or bitterness
- Anxiety
- Changes in appetite
- Headaches or other physical pain
- Feeling lost
It can be tough to cope with these changes, especially if it seems like there is no way out of the sadness. However, it's important to understand you can’t simply wish you had less grief, and you should not ignore your grief and its effects on your body. Taking steps towards healing and self-care can help you manage the challenging emotions associated with loss.
What can you do to cope with grief
Grief can be a difficult and complex emotion to manage, but there are steps you can take to help yourself navigate the process. Keep in mind that the healing process is different for many people, and there is no one “normal” or "right" way to grieve.
Here are some ways to cope with grief:
- Reach out to a support system. Talking about your feelings and experiences may help you process the emotions that come with loss. One good way to do this is through local or national organizations and support groups. Remember that it's okay to cry or express yourself in whatever feels most natural.
- Move your body. Exercise releases endorphins, hormones that can make us feel better and reduce stress. Taking a walk or doing some yoga can be therapeutic and help to focus your thoughts.
- Allow yourself time to heal. Remember that healing isn't linear, and it's okay if progress is slow. Giving yourself the space and time to feel your emotions can be a powerful part of the process.
- Connect with friends and family. It may be helpful to reach out to family members or close friends in your time of grief as a way to get further emotional support.
- Take care of yourself. Getting enough rest, eating nutritious meals, and engaging in self-care activities like taking a bath or reading a book can help you cope with grief. Through self-care, you can nourish your mind and body.
Dealing with grief isn't always easy, but it can be manageable with time and a few coping strategies. Our experiences are unique, so take the time to do what works for you and give yourself permission to heal.
Finding the good in grief
Grieving can be a way of connecting with people or loved ones who are no longer here — it can help us remember the good times we had together while appreciating the life they lived. It can also be an opportunity to learn and grow, as it can sometimes help us understand how our emotions work and how we can better care for ourselves in times of hardship, whether we are grieving people who died or grieving life changes.
Healthy grieving can also lead to self-discovery and personal growth. It can be a way of reflecting on our relationships and how we want to live our own lives in the future. It's important to remember that grief is not something to be "fixed" but rather something we can work through over time.
Harnessing grief's potential to transform your life may be difficult, but it can be possible with patience and an understanding of your own needs. With a little effort and some self-reflection, you can use the experience to look within, learn more about yourself, and make positive changes in your life.
If you find it challenging to cope with your emotions and it is becoming worse over time, consider seeking the help of therapy or grief counseling. A trained therapist can provide guidance and answer questions you may have to make the grieving process easier to manage and prevent it from becoming complicated grief. Online therapy has many benefits that can help you cope with your loss in a safe, and secret space.
From the comfort of your home, an online therapist can work with you to find healthy ways to manage your grief and heal from within. Taking this step is an act of self-care that can provide you with valuable tools, help you find support, and set you on the path to healing.
A 2021 study assessed online therapy's effectiveness compared to in-person treatment. Results concluded that online mental health services are a safe and efficient approach to managing symptoms of grief and bereavement. Further, online intervention offers several advantages over other forms of treatment, including greater mental health care.
For those who need more alone time in their healing, online therapy offers a unique opportunity to manage grief personally. With the help of an online therapist, you can take the time to explore and process your emotions. A typical session can take place almost anywhere you consider comfortable and safe (provided the location has reliable internet so you can stay connected.)
Takeaway
Grief can involve a vast and complex range of emotions, but it's not something you need to fix or rush through. There is no right or wrong way to work through grief, and taking your time is okay.
Understanding how grief presents itself and how to cope with it can help you find peace and healing. If you're feeling overwhelmed by grief, don't be afraid to reach out for help. The journey of healing is not one that you have to take alone.
With the right support, learning how to cope with loss and find peace within yourself is possible. Online therapy can be a valuable tool to help you in this journey. As an act of self-care, consider reaching out to a mental health professional who can provide you with professional, unbiased guidance and support to make positive changes in your life.
Why does grief hurt so much?
Humans typically experience a complex combination of mental, physical, and emotional responses to grief. The pain is compounded from many sources that make it an excruciatingly painful experience—especially when we lose someone very close to us. Here are a few reasons why grief can cause so much pain:
Love’s strong emotional connection and the absence of that connection can leave an emotional void.
Our relationships can shape our sense of self and purpose. The loss of a loved one can feel like a loss of identity, too, leading to confusion and intense sadness.
Loss can result in shock and trauma, compounding grief and potentially leading to an inability to process the magnitude of the loss.
Losing someone we love can cause uncertainty about what the future will hold. Life will never be the same again without that person, and that sense of finality is often hard to accept.
Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, a relationship, or even just a future we expected, grief can stem from the realization that some hopes and dreams may never come to pass.
Grief is both emotional and physical. Its complex impact on the body can cause chest heaviness and tightness (Takotsubo cardiomyopathy, or broken heart syndrome), constrictions in the throat, stomach problems, headaches, dizziness, tension, fatigue, muscle weakness, and inflammation.
What is the concept of grief?
Grief is the natural response to a significant loss, particularly the loss of someone or something that holds significant meaning for us. It’s a multifaceted experience that impacts our emotions, thoughts, behaviors, and physical health. Examples of losses that may cause grief include:
The end of a relationship
Loss of a job or career
A significant life change (e.g., moving away, retirement)
Loss of health or abilities
Unfulfilled dreams or expectations
The loss of a beloved pet or the death of a public figure
What should you not do when you’re grieving?
Grief is highly personal, and everyone grieves differently, so what one “should” or “shouldn’t” do relies heavily on one’s unique experiences. However, some approaches or behaviors may hinder your healing ability and complicate the process. Here are some suggestions for things to avoid when you’re in the grieving process:
Suppressing your emotions
Avoiding, denying, or otherwise bottling up your feelings isn’t healthy and can lead to a variety of physical and mental issues later on. Grief often comes with complex emotions; therefore, you might endure a wide array of feelings that overlap. Allow yourself to feel whatever emerges. Also, avoid “putting on a brave face” all the time. It's okay to be vulnerable, cry, or express your sorrow, even in front of others.
Rushing the process
Avoid assigning a timeline to your grief. Remember that grief is a natural reaction to loss, and we can’t control how long the grieving process will take. Healing takes time, and although some subscribe to the “stages of grief” model, it rarely follows a linear process. You’ll likely have good and bad days in no particular order. Also, avoid comparing your experience against others. Having support from people who understand what you’re going through can be very beneficial, but remember that everyone’s experience with grief is different. It may take some people longer than others to begin healing.
Isolating yourself
While it’s natural to want some time to yourself while you’re grieving, shutting others out for too long can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and make it harder to process your emotions. Even though they might not always know what to say, support from your loved ones can be comforting. Consider joining a support or speak to a mental health professional. It’s okay to accept help and lean on others for support.
Engaging in unhealthy coping mechanisms
Avoid using drugs or alcohol to numb the pain. Not only is the relief temporary and unfulfilling, but taking substances can complicate the grieving process, lead to addiction, and damage your body. Excessive distractions can be unhealthy for coping, too. While immersing yourself in work, “busyness,” and other distractions can be helpful for some, it isn’t a cure-all solution and can delay the grieving process.
Judging yourself
Some people experience regret after the loss of a loved one, dwelling on what they “could have” or “should have” done. It’s common to have such feelings, but ruminating on the past can leave you isolated with self-blame and negative self-talk. It’s essential to recognize that loss is often beyond our control. Avoid assigning yourself expectations for how you should move on during the grieving process. You might always carry some level of grief, but it doesn't mean you're stuck or not healing.
Ignoring your health
Grief can be draining and exhausting, but try to keep a self-care routine as best you can. Eat well, get plenty of sleep, and exercise regularly. Taking care of your body can support recovery and strengthen your coping ability. Pay attention to your mental health, too. Although grief and depression share many of the same symptoms, grief typically lessens with time. If you can’t take care of your responsibilities (including self-care) and are having feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, you might be experiencing complicated grief or clinical depression. Seek help from a mental health professional, preferably with experience in grief counseling.
How does grief change you?
Aside from day-to-day changes in how you function, grief can change you in more profound, longer-lasting ways. While the changes often differ between people, grief can reshape how you view relationships and how you look at the world. Your entire sense of identity and what’s important to you may change forever. Sometimes, this looks like greater empathy and compassion for others or an ability to find deeper meaning in your everyday experiences.
Your priorities and perspective about what’s important might shift. You might place more value on relationships, personal growth, or living in the moment. Some people find they are less concerned with material success or superficial matters. Grief might change your relationship with time, creating a higher sense of urgency to make the most of it or a feeling of disconnection from the regular flow of life.
When losing a close loved one like a spouse, parent, or child, you might feel as though a part of your identity has been stripped away, and you must redefine who you are without that person in your life. Past this point, you might emerge with a deeper understanding of who you are. While the pain is significant, the process might lead to new resilience and insight.
How do people cope with grief?
Coping with grief is a deeply personal process, and different people find different ways to manage and heal over time. Some may find that letting their emotions out through crying can provide a physical and emotional release. Some find sharing memories and feelings with friends, family, or a counselor is therapeutic.
Writing in a journal or a letter can help with understanding grief and healing. It can help release feelings, clarify thoughts, and find a sense of emotional release. Some people cope by creating art, music, poetry, or other forms of expression that allow them to channel their grief into something meaningful. Planting a tree, creating a memorial or scrapbook, or championing a cause on their behalf can help honor and remember the person.
Some find it comforting to create rituals and routines to honor the loved one, such as lighting a candle, visiting a meaningful location, or taking time each day to remember them. Participating in formal or informal memorial services or marking significant anniversaries (like the birthday of a loved one) can provide a sense of connection and closure.
How do you explain grief?
Grief is the intense emotional response to a significant loss, often the death of a loved one, but it can also arise from other forms of loss, such as the end of a relationship, a job, or even the loss of a dream or way of life. At its core, grief reflects our love or attachment to what was lost. When someone or something deeply meaningful is no longer part of our lives, the emotional pain and disorientation we feel is grief.
What does grief teach us?
Though painful, grief can be a powerful teacher. Here are just a few examples of the lessons that grief and loss can teach us:
Life is precious and impermanent
Love and connection are crucial
Change and loss is inevitable
People are often stronger and more resilient than they think
Vulnerability and emotion can be healing
Empathy and compassion are critical
Humans need community and support
Acceptance and letting go are integral to healing
Sorrow and joy are intertwined
What is the normal way to grieve?
There is no “normal” way to grieve—it’s a complex, highly personal experience. If you’ve experienced a profound loss, allow yourself to grieve in your own way at your own pace. Grieving can be very disorienting, leaving people unsure of what to do or where to go next. For help and guidance, seek support from friends and loved ones, and consider group or individual therapy.
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