16 Questions To Ask To Get To Know Someone Better

Medically reviewed by Arianna Williams, LPC, CCTP
Updated October 14, 2024by BetterHelp Editorial Team

Most people would like to get to know the people around them better. But it's easy to slip into small talk that passes the time but leaves your conversation partner at a distance. What questions should you ask to get to know someone better?

Although conversation starters vary from person to person, it's almost always a good idea to ask open-ended questions rather than simply stating facts. The post below will show some questions that can help forge a deeper connection and some techniques to further the conversation.

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Why asking the right questions is key

To strengthen a relationship, whether it's a business connection, a friendship, or a romance, listening is often more important than talking. Asking questions and listening to the answers can help you better understand a person, build meaningful connections, and improve empathy.

Consider focusing on open-ended questions that allow for more than a yes or no answer. You can also ask follow-up questions to get a more in-depth response that can help you better understand the person you’re talking with.

16 questions to ask to get to know someone

Here are 16 questions that can give you insights into others and help you create a stronger bond.

#1: What are you looking forward to?

Learning what brings another person joy can tell you what they value. Discussing their upcoming plans can touch on other important aspects of their life, such as friendships, romantic relationships, hobbies, or career goals. 

#2: Where are you from?

Asking this question can help you learn about someone’s background and better understand their family dynamics, personal values, and cultural influences.

#3: What brought you here?

Although framed as a "what" question, it's more of a "why" question. You're asking about motivations for coming to the same place as you, which may lead to a discussion about a common interest. Even if the answer is “My friend dragged me here,” that can be an opportunity to learn more about their relationships.

#4: If you could keep the body or the mind of a 30-year-old from now until you die, which would it be?

“Would you rather” questions are a classic type of icebreaker. This one comes from a scientific experiment by psychologist Arthur Aron, who was interested in quickly creating strong interpersonal bonds. Like many conversation-starters, it may work best to take it as a jumping-off point instead of taking the answers too seriously.

#5: Do you have any pet peeves?

Many of us have things that annoy us, but we can hesitate to talk about them too much for fear of being labeled as complainers. This question encourages people to give something small but real that bothers them ‌that’s easy to talk about. It can also provide an opportunity to bond and laugh over similar annoyances.

#6: What do you listen to while driving/commuting?

Are you talking to a podcast listener? A die-hard metal fan? A secret lover of cheesy pop music? Learning about someone’s taste in media can be a window into what makes them tick.

#7: Have you watched any cool movies or shows lately?

Here’s another question about what kind of entertainment your conversation partner likes. As a bonus, it’s also a request for a recommendation. Research suggests that giving advice boosts self-confidence — so asking for it could be an excellent way to get a shy person to open up.

#8: What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s made you cry?

What better way to get to know someone than to learn what makes them feel mushy? This question has two advantages. Number one: it invites them to tell a funny story, which studies show can increase feelings of interpersonal closeness. Number two: it prompts them to talk about the things that make them feel powerful emotions. 

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#9: Where would you go if you could go anywhere in the world?

Another "would you rather" question, but this one is more open-ended. The answer could be a vacation destination, a famous landmark, the home of a personal hero, or even something unexpected, like Earth’s center or inside a brain cell.

#10: If you knew you only had a year to live, would you change anything about how you’re living? Why or why not?

This question also comes from the Arthur Aron experiment referenced above. There are three sets of questions, ranked from least to most intimate, and this one belongs to Set 2. You can use this once you've overcome some awkwardness and are more comfortable with the person.

#11: What’s your dream job?

A person’s career is often an integral part of their personality, but the question “What do you do?” can feel stale. You'll learn more about the other person's ambitions and wishes by asking what they prefer to do.

#12: What do you do for fun?

You can balance out the career talk by finding out what your new friend likes to do when they’re off the clock. You'll discover a common passion or hobby you can bond over or learn about something new. 

#13: Who was the teacher who influenced you the most?

A teacher's influence on a student's life is often significant. Learning about the teachers who affected your friend can provide insight into how they think and approach life. You can also expand the question to include coaches, counselors, mentors, or role models.

#14: If you had 10 million dollars to give to any charity, what would it be?

What you’re asking with this question is: “What do you think would make the world a better place?” It’s an excellent prompt for learning about the values that a person holds most dear. They may strongly believe in poverty relief, environmental causes, animal rights, or other international or domestic issues. 

#15: Who’s your oldest friend?

As adults, Americans are most likely to make friends at work, school, or through our existing network of friends. But when we’re younger, we often build friendships with people just because they’re close by. Asking about the friendships that have lasted for decades can open a window into the unique twists and turns of a person’s life story.

#16: What, if anything, is too serious to joke about?

Here’s another question from the Aron experiment, this one from Set 3 — the most intimate and revealing topics. Even if it seems like it will bring down the tone, if you've already developed some trust with the other person, it may be an opportunity for a genuine heart-to-heart. 

How to continue a conversation past the opener

Once the conversation has gone past the opener, it can be tough to keep it going. While the above questions can be helpful, they can’t sustain a conversation in the long run. 

Here are some general tips for getting better at the art of conversation:

Practice active listening

Asking questions can backfire if the other person feels you’re not listening to their answers. You can make it clear you’re engaged using active listening behaviors such as nodding, maintaining eye contact, keeping your body language open, and restating what they say in your own words.

Ask follow-up questions

You don’t want to use all 16 conversation starters above in a row. Instead, digging deeper into some specific aspect of their answer is often best. For instance, if they say their dream job would be to make movies, you could ask what first got them interested in film or what directors they admire most.

Know when to tell instead of ask

While it’s good to take an interest in the other person, asking non-stop questions might feel more like an interrogation than a conversation. Remember, if you’re doing things right, they’ll want to know more about you too! A simple but effective rule is to ask a question, ask 2-3 follow-up questions, then volunteer some information about yourself.

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Therapy may help you improve your conversation skills

For many people, the main difficulty in conversations isn’t knowing the right things to say — it’s having the confidence to say them. If that’s the case for you, working with a trained therapist might help you manage your feelings of social anxiety.

Seek therapy for help with questions to ask to get to know someone

Therapists may also provide practical guidance for improving conversation skills. They might suggest strategies for making small talk or coping skills for managing awkward situations. They might also suggest some proper questions to ask and conversation starters for better communication with other people.

Does talking to a counselor sound just as intimidating as talking to a stranger? If so, you might want to consider using an online therapy platform. Research suggests that virtual treatment is as effective as in-person therapy for treating various mental health conditions, like anxiety and depression. With online counseling, you can connect with your therapist from the comfort of your own home.

Takeaway

The best questions to ask to get to know someone often delve into what a person values in life, such as career goals, sources of happiness, and ways to improve the world. Inviting the other person to engage their imagination or tell stories can also be helpful. No matter what you’re discussing, active listening and asking relevant follow-up questions can help take the conversation deeper. If you want to explore online therapy to improve your social skills, BetterHelp can help match you with a licensed mental health professional.
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