Questions To Ask When Getting To Know Someone

Some people have natural communication skills and can get to know others without much effort. Others may need more help to feel they have a good sense of who someone is. It can be helpful to plan questions to ask when getting to know someone so that you know what to ask and how to keep the conversation flowing as you learn about one another.

You likely know someone who makes getting to know new people seem effortless. Social interaction can be challenging for many people, but effective communication is a skill you can learn with practice. Some people may want to learn better ways to connect with others but require a little extra guidance through questions to get to know someone.

Speaking with a therapist, either online or in person, can be a great way to learn communication skills that you’re comfortable with and could use to get to know new people in your life. One can prepare some questions to ask a therapist about the problem they want to address.

Asking questions is an effective way to keep the conversation going when you’re getting to know someone, but what should you ask? Below are some good questions to get to know someone.

Questions to ask when getting to know someone: Deep conversations

Try to push past your reservations about social contact and work to make a meaningful connection with another person by asking interesting questions and allowing their answers to give you insight into their personality traits. The study mentioned above suggested that shallow questions about the weather and television could be ineffective, while deeper questions such as, "What's your favorite family tradition?", "What career advice would you give to your younger self?", or "What's the most prized possession you own?" inspired the revelation of more personal, intimate information, helping people to understand others’ values, experiences, and preferences.

“If you could only save one possession from a natural disaster, what would it be and why?”

Intentionally condensing everything you own down to a single most valued possession would be a difficult decision. Pay attention to how long it takes the other person to decide on an answer and the reasons they give. You could learn about what's important to them, like family members, or their favorite story, which may provide you with insight into their values. Be prepared with your own answer as well. You could also ask questions about their best vacation, first job, or even their go-to guilty pleasure to reveal personal details and strengthen the connection.

“If you won the lottery, what’s the first thing you’d buy?”

Money is often a barrier to achieving goals, but a little daydreaming doesn’t hurt. Asking what someone would buy if they had the means to purchase anything they wanted is an excellent way to learn about potential ambitions and future goals. 

Additional conversational segues:

• Tell me about your dream home if money were no object.
• If you could have any job, what would you do?
• Where would you go if you could visit any place, past or present?

“What’s the first thing you do after getting home from work?”

Some people have a ritual when they get home from work, and many seek a way to relax. Learning how a person chooses to relax after a long workday, such as their favorite season to unwind, may make finding common ground easier. You can describe your own after-work rituals and let the conversation flow into what they do for a living, a career highlight, or their idea of a perfect job.

“What is something you’re proud of yourself for?”

When getting to know someone, try giving them a chance to tell you about an accomplishment. Learning what makes them proud lets you know what they value in themselves and how they view ambition. Some answers could surprise you and lead to a more interesting conversation. Be prepared to share your answer, too.

“How would your ten-year-old self feel if they met you today?”

Many people do not live the lives they planned when they were ten. It can be interesting to learn if a person thinks their younger selves would be proud or disappointed with how their lives have gone. Maybe they wanted to be rock stars at ten (a notable follow-up question in this case could be to ask about the best concert they’ve been) but instead, they became an investment banker. Someone’s childhood goals don’t always tell you a lot about them, but they can be an exciting conversation starter.

“Who is your hero?”

 Learning who a person idolizes can tell you about their values and what they see as heroic. You can continue the conversation to include what defines heroism or even who their celebrity crush is. 

“Heroism is an approachable topic that appears to influence individuals and groups in extraordinary ways,” said the authors of a research paper describing the impact of heroes.

“What is your favorite memory from childhood?”

It's important to approach this topic sensitively, as not everyone may have positive memories. However, if they're willing to share, you might discover an interesting fact or two about their upbringing, such as their favorite board game, fictional character, or holiday.

Don’t be afraid to make them laugh

After diving into some heavy topics, it can be refreshing to ask basic questions like whether they have any pet peeves or what they prefer watching on TV. Lighten the mood with a funny story, like the wildest thing that's happened to you. Funny questions like "Do you return your cart at the grocery store?” or perhaps, “What’s the biggest tip you’ve ever left at a restaurant?” can work to lighten things up.

Strategies for getting to know someone

While the types of conversations you’ll have depend greatly on the time and place, it can be helpful to have some plans for how to break the ice and communicate effectively. Remember that communication is a skill, and it is likely to get better as you practice. 

Tips for feeling more comfortable with questions to ask when getting to know someone

Below are a few strategies and ideas to consider:

• Catch up on current events that interest you so that you’ll have material if the conversation lulls.
• Listen well and show that you’re paying attention to what the other person is saying. 
• Smile. Your body language can say a lot about your mood.
• If you feel awkward, laugh and tell them, “I’m still working on this conversation thing.” Many people will appreciate your honesty.

Why is it so hard to meet new people?

According to a podcast published by the American Psychological Association (APA), making new friends and maintaining established friendships is more challenging as an adult. Life is much more complicated for adults, with work, relationships, children, and responsibilities. Social obligations and leisure time often drop in priority.

As part of the podcast, psychologist and friendship expert Marisa Franco, Ph.D., described a recent study showing that adults, on average, have developed smaller friendship networks over the past several decades.

“The recent research has found, and this was conducted in the pandemic, so that's a caveat, that compared to decades ago, people are four to five times more likely to have no friends,” Franco said. “And it's worse among men compared to, I think, it was like a few decades ago, like the early nineties—the amount of men that have no friends has risen fivefold and fourfold for women.”

Thanks to social media, humans have the ability to communicate with nearly everyone nearly anywhere in the world. With so much focus on speaking to others through a screen, does social media change how we form new relationships and relate to people? 

While social media makes it possible to run a do-it-yourself background check on acquaintances, face-to-face conversation offers social cues through body language, tone, and inflection. Try to find a healthy balance between the two.

How therapy can help you communicate more effectively

If you struggle to meet new people, speaking to a therapist could help you develop communication skills, so you know what to ask when getting to know someone. A licensed therapist can help you identify why you have trouble interacting with new people and help you find ways to smooth the process. 

Recent technological advancements have made it possible to receive therapy online if that’s a better fit for you. Providers like BetterHelp offer appointments via video call, phone, or online chat, allowing you to choose the best format for your life and schedule. 

Many therapists successfully use cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to treat a variety of mental health conditions. Recent research shows that online CBT can be as effective as in-person sessions for a range of concerns.