Unfriendly nonverbals
Nonverbal communication is essential to interpersonal relationships. Humans communicate nonverbally in various ways, such as through body posture, facial expressions, and hand gestures.
Tone of voice is also commonly considered a nonverbal communication skill. For many, communication focuses heavily on the verbal components; or the actual content of the message.
While the specific words chosen are important when communicating, it is equally important to manage nonverbals. When one person receives communication from another, just over half of the communication they interpret will be nonverbal. Warm facial expressions, open posture, and a friendly tone are all required to receive a message positively. T
he old adage holds true; it is not what is said but how it is said that carries the greatest weight.
Aloof or disinterested
Engaged communication is a two-way street. Appearing disinterested or dismissive of the communication of others is a surefire way to reduce likability.
A person seems disinterested if they are frequently distracted during conversations (such as by being on their phone), ask too few questions, or consistently monopolize a discussion with their thoughts and views.
A person becomes more likable when they ask questions and show an interest in the lives of others. However, there is an important caveat when showing interest in another person's life. While polite, genuine interest is usually well received, prying or asking too many questions often isn't.
Social anxiety
Appearing withdrawn or closed off in social situations can significantly impact a person's likability. Socially anxious individuals fear social rejection, and rejection becomes more likely if a person is anxious and withdrawn.
For those with social anxiety, a feedback loop exists between their anxiety and how they are perceived by their peers: anxious behavior increases the likelihood of social rejection, and social rejection increases the likelihood of anxiety.
If social anxiety becomes severe enough, it can warrant a diagnosis of social anxiety disorder. Social anxiety disorder goes beyond typical nervousness or discomfort in new social situations.
Those with the disorder often require help from a professional to overcome its impact on their lives. If a person has tried to improve their socialization and has found it overwhelming or unattainable, a therapist is likely to be helpful.
Pessimism and negativity
Even if a person isn't insulting, arrogant, or derogatory towards others, a generally negative attitude reduces how likable a person is perceived to be.
Directly insulting others is the quickest way to be disliked, but consistent pessimism or negativity can be draining and reduce likability over time.
Of course, it is not possible to be positive in every circumstance. Sometimes negative aspects of a problem must be addressed, but taking time to ensure negative thoughts and feelings are addressed before they burden others is an effective way to increase likability.
There are many other reasons a person may be perceived as unlikeable than those discussed above. As a general rule of thumb, a person is likely to be disliked if they are overwhelmingly negative, put others down or have no interest in their peers. Social anxiety can also be a concern; a person who thinks little of their own social aptitude may appear unlikable to others.
How can I be more likable?
Being likable begins with taking note of unlikable traits and understanding how they impact your life. It isn't easy to take the steps necessary to become more likable if you don't like who you are as a person.
Taking the time to examine personal traits is critical to building self-esteem and effecting positive change in your life. If your confidence is low or your self-image is poor, consider putting your effort into developing better self-esteem.
If you're ready to work on being more likable, start with these basic tips:
Bring positivity
Positivity is an important component of likability, and it is crucial to regularly include positivity in both verbal and nonverbal communication. A warm, approachable facial expression goes a long way to signal positivity, and kind words are essential. Take time to note the accomplishments of others and compliment their achievements.
Compliments must be genuine and recognizable. Authentic communication brings genuine positivity to a conversation, but disingenuous communication, such as flatter or false compliments, can have the opposite effect.
Inquire openly
Asking questions and showing genuine interest makes a person more likable. Just as compliments or other positive comments, questions need to be genuine.
Nearly everyone has some interesting traits; take the time to find out what interests you about the other person. Find out about the other person's interests and ask them basic questions bout their favorite topics.
If you are genuinely interested in the other person, asking questions is a great way to become more likable. However, it is important not to fall into the trap of becoming overbearing or "interrogating" the other person. Keep questions light and friendly and keep conversations short overall.
Listen actively
Listening actively lets the other person know you are engaged in the conversation. Make eye contact and pay close attention to what other members of the conversation are saying.
Make small comments or gestures that show you are paying attention, such as by nodding or giving small verbal cues like "yes" and "huh."
Offer feedback on what the person is saying and ask questions if necessary. If you're unsure of what the other person is trying to communicate, ask polite questions to help clarify the conversation. If you are listening actively, you are helping the other members of the conversation to feel heard. A person who makes others feel heard and acknowledged is usually likable and may have many good friends as a result.
Be humble
Humility is an important part of being likable. Arrogant individuals are rarely likable, and introducing humility can show that you have strong self-esteem without disparaging the achievements of others.
Don't downplay your achievements, but don't worry about impressing others. Representing your accomplishments while remaining humble makes it more likely that others will rate your abilities highly.
While remaining humble, it is important to avoid falling into the trap of the humblebrag. A humblebrag is a form of reporting an accomplishment while trying to appear humble. In reality, a humblebrag is false humility and is an easy way to make yourself seem unlikeable.
How can online therapy help?
Improving likability can certainly be done solo, but working with a therapist often makes the process easier and quicker. An online therapist can help you understand your positive and negative personality traits and dissect which traits may make you likable. They can also help you increase your self-esteem and bring more confidence and positivity into social situations.
Visiting with a therapist online removes many of the barriers of traditional therapy, such as traveling to an office or being restricted to therapists who practice near you.
Online therapists use the same evidence-based techniques as therapists who see clients in person. When those methods are applied online, they are just as effective as if they had been used in an office setting.