Are There Steps Of Grief? How Everyone Experiences Grief Differently

Grief can be complicated, and each person’s grieving process is different. However, similar symptoms can often be observed in those who are grieving, and various researchers, psychologists, and experts have developed models and theories to describe how grief might work for some people. Exploring these models may help you find one that connects with your experience and can be a guideline for seeking support if you’re struggling. 

Are there five stages of grief? 

In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler Ross published her seminal book On Death and Dying, drawn from research she had conducted on patients who were experiencing terminal illness. She sought to describe grief in a way she hadn’t seen other doctors and researchers attempt to do before, as she believed understanding grief was foundational to healthcare. What came to be known as the Kübler Ross model proposes five stages of grief: 

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

Stage one: Shock and denial

The first stage of grief can be divided into two concrete emotions: shock and denial. Shock can set in immediately after a person learns of the loss. This symptom is often the brain’s initial self-defense system and may manifest as numbness or a lack of comprehension about what has happened. Shock can rapidly turn into denial, another self-defense mechanism.

Denial is a conscious rejection of the reality of the loss. Denial can be overt, such as when someone claims that the loss did not actually happen or casts doubt on the reliability of the person who delivered news of the loss. Overt denial often only lasts for a short period after a loss. More subtle denial, like refusing to discuss or acknowledge a loss, can persist for a more extended period. Some people may isolate themselves from others while in denial to avoid confronting the reality of the loss. Denial may allow a person to slowly adjust to their new reality and fully understand what is happening after a loss occurs. 

Stage two: Pain and guilt

Once a person is no longer in the denial phase and is ready to confront the loss directly, they may often experience a wave of confusing and sometimes contradictory emotions. These emotions can include:

• Pain directed at the loss
• A yearning to return to the time before the loss occurred
• Relief, either because someone who was suffering has now died or because “the worst has happened” 
• Guilt, often as a result of experiencing relief
• Regret and believing that there was some action they could or should have taken to prevent the loss, like bringing a sick person to the doctor sooner

Pain and guilt can lead to grieving people ruminating about perceived mistakes and missteps that they think could have led to the loss or worsened the outcome of the loss.

Stage three: Anger and bargaining

Anger can be a typical response to the overwhelming pain and emotional turmoil accompanying a loss. A person may feel angry at themselves, their family or loved ones, healthcare providers, a higher power, and the person to who the loss is most directly linked, such as the deceased person, in the case of a death. Anger can manifest overtly or make a grieving person more irritable or impatient. 

Bargaining may be a logical next step after experiencing anger, as the grieving person may try to regain a sense of control over their situation. The bargaining stage may involve negotiations with oneself or a higher power to undo the loss or mitigate the emotional impact of the loss. Bargaining can include resolving to be a better person or thoughts about what one could have done differently before the loss occurred. The bargaining phase can last a few minutes or more, as a grieving person often comes to terms with the fact that their bargaining attempts do not change the situation related to the loss.

Stage four: Depression, sadness, reflection, and loneliness

The earlier stages of grief may be defensive mechanisms to prevent a grieving person from reaching the depression stage. This fourth stage may occur later than other stages because it takes time for a person to reflect on their loss and fully realize its ramifications.

In addition to pervasive sadness and hopelessness, the depression stage can lead to physical and cognitive symptoms, including difficulty concentrating, changes in sleep patterns, headaches, body aches, and digestive concerns. Depression can also cause people to isolate themselves from others, which can result in loneliness and a cycle that may exacerbate other symptoms. 

If you’re experiencing symptoms of depression, reach out to a mental health provider or your primary care physician for a depression screening. Depressive disorders can develop after grief and may be dangerous. In addition, some people may develop prolonged grief disorder or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in response to a complicated or traumatic loss. These conditions are often treatable with mental health support from a professional. 

Stage five: The upward turn

The upward turn marks the beginning of the adjustment to life after the loss. A grieving person may begin to develop a sense of perspective on the loss and recognize that, however impossible it may have seemed, they have survived. Depressive symptoms and other physical, cognitive, and emotional symptoms of grief may start to lessen and become more accessible to manage. 

At this point in the grieving process, people might have started to develop coping mechanisms. In the upward turn, some people may experience a sense of calm and hopefulness. They may begin to look forward to the future for the first time since the loss.

Stage six: Reconstruction and recovery

In reconstruction and recovery, a grieving person may start to have more energy and focus that energy on finding meaning and growing from the loss. This desire may manifest in actions designed to help the person regain a sense of control in their life. However, unlike in the bargaining stage, these actions are often concrete and help a person move forward healthily. 

During this stage, people may begin to return to the level of functioning they had before the loss. They might start reconnecting with their loved ones and re-engaging in previously enjoyed activities and hobbies, including those related to self-care. In addition, they may no longer blame themselves for the loss and become more optimistic and confident. 

Stage seven: Acceptance and hope

By the time a person reaches the seventh stage, they might be more likely to fully understand the impact of their loss. They may simultaneously honor the loss, plan for the future, and create new, healthier expectations for themselves. 

A key sign that someone may have entered the acceptance stage can be the ability to reflect on positive memories associated with the loss without becoming upset. While a person in this stage may still feel sadness on meaningful days associated with the loss, like holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries, the sadness might not prompt feelings of despair. At this point, a person may find it easier to talk about the loss and the thoughts and emotions associated with the situation.  

Working through the grieving process with support 

Regardless of how a person experiences grief, individuals can face the risk of poor mental health. If your grief is causing you significant distress or impairing your ability to function, you may find it helpful to speak with a mental health professional.

Some stages of grief and emotions associated with grieving can seem overwhelming. You may become stressed about engaging with a therapist in person in these situations. Online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp may be a more accessible option for people with intense grief symptoms. Online platforms allow clients to meet with a provider from home via phone, therapy, or live chat sessions. In addition, some online platforms offer weekly support groups, some of which may be focused on grief. 

Research has indicated that online therapy may have similar efficacy rates to traditional in-person therapy, including when addressing mental health concerns associated with grief. One group of researchers conducted a meta-analysis of studies examining the use of online therapy in grief counseling and found that this method may be as effective as in-person therapeutic interventions.