Coping With Grief: There Is No Right Or Wrong Way

Grief can result from a variety of losses and may manifest in a number of ways, even among people who have experienced similar types of loss. Given the wide range of grief experiences, it can be important to note that there is no “normal” way of processing or coping with grief. Everyone may require different coping skills to move through this challenging emotional state. For instance, you may find it helpful to lean on your support system, fully experience your emotions, and connect with support groups or a grief counselor.

Symptoms of grief

Many people associate grief with sadness, but grief symptoms can be much more complex. Grief can impact a person’s physical, emotional, and cognitive states.

Physical symptoms of grief

• Weight gain or loss
• Fatigue
• Digestive concerns, including stomach pain, diarrhea, constipation, nausea, or vomiting
• Changes in sleep patterns, such as difficulty falling or staying asleep

Emotional symptoms of grief

• Anger and bitterness
• A yearning to go back to the way life was before the loss
• Sorrow and emotional pain
• Numbness and detachment
• A sense of being separated from other people

Cognitive symptoms of grief

• A sense of disbelief and an inability to accept the loss
• Worry and anxiety about possible future losses
• Preoccupation with the loss
• Blaming oneself for the loss, even when there is no logical basis for such an assumption

The above symptoms can be natural responses to grief, and it may not be unusual for them to seem severe or to impact a person’s day-to-day life, at least initially. 

Grief symptoms may not occur on any specific timeline. In the case of anticipatory grief, for example, a person may experience symptoms before a loss occurs. This situation can be common in the case of protracted terminal illnesses or expected upcoming losses, like a divorce being finalized.

Complicated grief is also known as prolonged grief disorder, which is its official name in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-V). This disorder was previously called “persistent complex bereavement disorder.”

Complicated grief usually involves a person sensing they are “stuck” in their grief and cannot move forward. Their pain and sorrow may seem as fresh as if the loss occurred recently, and they may struggle to keep up with daily responsibilities. Treatment for prolonged grief disorder usually involves therapy. 

How to cope with grief and loss

Regardless of your grief situation, there are several strategies you can adopt to address some of the most distressing aspects of grief.

Fully experience your feelings

Many of the emotions associated with the grieving process can be painful. You may also be ashamed of how you are grieving, potentially becoming frustrated with yourself for not “getting over it” more quickly, or for experiencing emotions you might perceive as being abnormal expressions of mourning. 

For instance, you might feel anger toward the person who died, or you may experience a sense of relief that the loss happened. It can be vital to recognize that there is no clear-cut or “typical” response to grief, and that everyone tends to grieve in their own way. 

Avoiding your painful or complicated emotions usually won’t result in them resolving or going away, so it can be helpful to address your feelings. Fully experiencing your emotions does not necessarily mean you have to wallow in suffering, but it can mean that you do not actively try to suppress your feelings. 

Repressing your feelings and not acknowledging them could lead to them potentially resurfacing in maladaptive ways. Emotional repression could also lead to an individual turning to unhealthy numbing mechanisms like substance misuse, formerly known as substance abuse. 

It can be helpful to identify and label your emotions as they are happening, which can help them seem less overwhelming. It might be beneficial to keep a “feelings journal” for the first few months after your loss. In this journal, you can write down and process your emotions.

Lean on your support system

Social support can be beneficial in addressing a variety of mental health concerns, including those related to grief. It can be important to prioritize your most meaningful relationships during times of grief. You may have a reduced capacity to engage with a wide variety of people during this time, so it might be best to reach out to a close friend or family member for support. 

Although emotional support can be essential during this time, it is not the only form of support you may need or that people in your social network can provide. Other forms of support can include the following:

• Helping with funeral planning
• Providing you with financial resources to pay outstanding healthcare bills after your loved one’s terminal illness or contributing to the payment of funeral expenses
• Taking on childcare
• Dropping off meals
• Filling in for you at work

Sometimes, in certain grief situations, your social system may not be able to provide you with all the support you need and deserve. In cases of family bereavement, where your family members were also related to the deceased person, they may be working through their own grieving processes and may not have the capacity to help you with yours. Social support often diminishes as time elapses after the loss, so if you are experiencing complicated grief, you may need additional help from a professional. 

Connecting with support groups or a grief counselor

In many cases, professional support can be effective in addressing symptoms of grief. Support groups can help you connect with other people who may be working through similar emotions, and often, specific groups for people who have experienced a particular kind of loss are easy to find. Personalized individual support may also be accessible through in-person or online therapy.

If you are experiencing complicated grief or severe grief symptoms, the thought of attending an in-person therapy appointment may seem overwhelming. In these instances, online therapy can be a beneficial option. With online therapy, a client can speak to their grief counselor from the comfort and convenience of their own home. 

Psychology and grief researchers have found that online therapy may be just as effective as traditional in-person therapy at reducing the severity of grief symptoms. One meta-analysis examining several studies found that online therapy interventions may be comparable to in-person therapy techniques.