Grief Comes In Waves: What Do The Different Parts Of Grief Look Like?

Losing someone or something important to you can be painful and confusing, bringing waves of difficult emotions crashing over you. However, these emotions can fade or change unpredictably, and many find that they don’t always feel the same emotions as their grief progresses. Some have described this process using the metaphor of waves rolling in and out and changing with the tide, though this concept may not resonate with everyone. Although each person’s grief cycle is unique, understanding different theories about grief and how the symptoms may appear could help you understand yourself or a grieving loved one more profoundly. 

Understanding grief: A few common types

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes, the water is calm, and sometimes, it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison 

Grief can look different for different people. It can be influenced by personality, culture, circumstances, coping mechanisms, and mental health, and it can evolve and change significantly over time—even from one day or moment to the next. It’s a unique and unpredictable experience for each person. That said, here are a few common types of grief that an individual may or may not experience.

“Typical” grief

Grief is natural, and it’s not considered a mental health disorder on its own. When someone loses a person they love to death, a breakup, divorce, or another difficult event, a host of emotions can arise, causing difficulty moving forward from what occurred. Although there is no one “normal” way to grieve, people generally move through the most severe symptoms of grief within a few months to a year after the loss. However, this timeline can vary. 

Some common symptoms of grief include but are not limited to: 

• Shock
• Sadness
• Anger
• Denial
• Confusion 
• Trouble sleeping
• Physical aches and pains
• Significant changes in appetite
• Trouble making decisions or concentrating
• Irritability

Talking to a mental health professional during this time may help you prevent your grief from escalating to the point of complicated grief, a diagnosable mental health disorder. 

Prolonged grief disorder, or complicated grief

Prolonged grief disorder, sometimes referred to as complicated grief, occurs when someone experiences an intense and lasting sense of longing for a loved one after their death. For diagnosis, the individual’s loved one must have been deceased for over a year. In addition, symptoms must negatively interfere with daily functioning at work and/or at home. Symptoms of prolonged grief disorder can include the typical symptoms of grief along with any of the following: 

• Difficulty connecting with one’s identity
• Thoughts of hopelessness and worthlessness
• Intense emotional pain 
• Difficulty connecting with others
• Having a desire to also pass away to be with the loved one  
• Avoidance of reminders of the individual’s death or life
• Disbelief and denial 
• Numbness or apathy 
• Loneliness and isolation 

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or urges, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or text 988 to talk to someone over SMS. Support is available 24/7.

Prolonged grief disorder is more likely to develop in those who have experienced a traumatic event during or after the loss. Even if the death itself was not traumatic, experiencing traumatic events like moving, displacement, deportation, or financial insecurity after a loved one is gone can lead to difficulty grieving in a healthy way, which may cause complicated grief to develop. The treatment for complicated grief is usually some form of talk therapy, sometimes in combination with medication.

Anticipatory grief

Anticipatory grief occurs when an individual knows they are about to lose someone and are already grieving the coming loss. This type of grief often happens in a medical setting, where a person’s family members are sitting with them in hospice until they pass. Knowing a loved one is going to die can be scary and may cause emotions like fear, confusion, anger, and denial. One can also experience anticipatory grief concerning one's own death. 

Disenfranchised grief

Disenfranchised grief is grief that may be considered taboo or not necessarily “valid” by society. For example, people who grieve the loss of their pets, a past abuser, or an acquaintance from school might not receive comfort and compassion from others. They might be told, “Why aren’t you over it yet?” or “Why would you grieve them? You hardly knew them!” 

Any type of grief is natural and okay. Talking to a mental health professional about your grief may help you remind yourself that your feelings are valid and that there are healthy ways to move forward, even when others do not understand.

Grief theories

Several theories have been developed to explain how people might move through grief. That said, there’s no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve, and each person will experience it differently. Some find grief models to be helpful and validating while others will not find them relatable. You might explore them if they’re useful to you.

The five stages model

The five-stage grief model by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was published in her book On Death and Dying in the 1960s. The five stages outlined in her model include: 

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

People may experience these emotions in order as they move through their loss, while some might skip a stage or two or go back and forth between certain stages. Other people might not fully experience any of these stages at all. 

Acceptance is often considered the “final” stage of grief. However, some people may reach acceptance and go back to experiencing other emotions associated with grief. They might also not experience a definitive moment that they would describe as “acceptance,” and grief-related emotions can continue to surge and dissipate throughout the years. 

The seven stages model 

Two other stages were later added to the seven stages of grief model: the shock stage and the testing stage. Shock can cause symptoms like dissociation, apathy, difficulty connecting with others, and disbelief about the loss. 

The testing stage of this theory involves processing and getting used to the grief and exploring what it might mean for the individual experiencing it going forward. The person might start looking for coping skills or advice to manage their emotions more healthily. This stage is often thought of as a step toward acceptance. 

Other models

There are also other models of grief that focus less on stages and more on concepts. For example, the Tonkin model is about “growing around grief” over time, which may involve many different components and emotions that ebb and flow. There’s also the meaning reconstruction theory of grief, which is about building a new sense of self to integrate the loss. Looking into various grief models may help you find one that resonates with you, though it’s okay if none do.

Is grief a linear process? 

“In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath… After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function.” –The Loss Foundation

Grief is rarely linear. Although stages of grief were outlined to help people put labels on their emotions and experiences, everyone is different. For example, you might experience anger after a person’s death that lasts months before you move into denial or shock, which are considered earlier stages in the classic model. 

Or, some people may come to accept the loss but start to experience other waves of depression months later. In addition, crying spells or moments of emotional pain can occur at any moment and may pop up randomly throughout the days, especially when the loss is recent. Grief is not linear, and if looking at grief from the perspective of waves that come and go helps you, this metaphor can be a healthy way to accept and understand your experience. 

How to work through grief in a healthy way

Below are some coping skills you might use to work through your grief in a positive and healthy way. Know that there is no one timeline for grief, and you can use these coping skills at any point in your recovery. 

Practice self-care

Practicing self-care after loss can be difficult. You might struggle to get out of bed or leave the house. However, there are ways you can care for yourself without expending significant energy, including but not limited to the following: 

• Taking short walks: Taking a five or ten-minute walk around the block or even in your home may help you get some physical movement in, which can increase endorphins in the brain and improve mood. 
• Trying simplified hygiene: If you’re struggling to get up to shower or brush your teeth in the morning, you might consider tactics like keeping your toothbrush next to your bed or taking baths. 
• Asking for help: Let others in your life know what you could most use support with, whether it’s healthy meals, help with errands, or resources for financial challenges. Having a support system may significantly decrease the risk of developing complicated grief. 
• Externalizing your emotions: Even if you struggle to express your emotions in words, consider externalizing them to get them “out of your body.” You might try journaling, writing poetry, drawing, painting, sculpting, crocheting, or another form of art that allows you to express yourself in a way that feels most natural to you.

Find a method that works for you

You don’t have to grieve in the same way as others in your life or people in the media. You might receive advice about how someone else overcame their grief, but that advice might not work for you. Listen to your intuition and body and let yourself feel your emotions as they are instead of judging or trying to change them. 

Lean on your support system 

Talk to those you love about your grief and lean on those you trust as you learn to cope. If you don’t have family members or friends to help you through this moment, you might consider joining a support group. Support groups for grief allow individuals to find others going through a recent loss too, and you may gain a sense of understanding and connection in this way. 

Talk to a therapist 

A therapist may be another helpful resource for grieving individuals. With a grief therapist, you have someone with whom you can talk through all of the stages or waves of grief that you may experience. In addition, they can act as a support system and guide you through techniques to externalize your emotions in a constructive way.

If you face barriers to seeking in-person support, such as difficulty leaving home or a lack of nearby providers, you might benefit from pursuing online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp. Through an online platform, you can get connected with a therapist experienced in treating grief, often within 48 hours of signing up, and then meet with them virtually from the comfort of home. 

Depression and anxiety are commonly occurring mental health conditions alongside grief. Studies suggest that internet-based therapy can be more effective than face-to-face options in reducing symptoms of these conditions and improving quality of life. In addition, online therapy is often more cost-effective.