How To Deal With Grief After Losing Someone You Love
We don’t always know how to respond when a loved one passes away. Losing someone you care about can cause complex emotions you may struggle to process. If you’re grieving the death of a loved one, it can help to know what to expect and how you can address your feelings. Though grief can look different for everyone, its common stages can be navigated in a healthy way with the right approach. Below, we’re going to cover the ins and outs of dealing with grief after losing a loved one.
What is grief?
Grief refers to an individual’s feelings, behaviors, and thoughts as they cope with death. For example, someone who is grieving may experience sadness, isolate themselves from others, and believe that they could have done more to prevent the death of their loved one. Numerous factors will determine how an individual responds to the loss of someone close to them.
Grief generally affects everyone differently. It may last for a few weeks or persist for months or years. Grief that becomes persistent and severe may indicate a mental health condition known as prolonged grief disorder, also known as complicated grief or persistent complex bereavement disorder.
It is estimated that 7-10% of bereaved adults will develop prolonged grief disorder.
What are the stages of grief?
Over the years, several different theories have been developed in attempts to explain the stages we go through when we experience grief. The most well-known of these models was developed by psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who posited that there are five: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While other experts have questioned the validity of this model—and some have added stages—it serves as a useful framework for understanding how grief can progress.
Denial
Denial occurs for many upon learning about a loved one’s passing. If you’ve lost a loved one, it may take you some time to adjust to the reality of such a significant change. For example, you may text your best friend who recently passed away, expecting to receive a response.
Anger
Anger is a common response to the feelings that grief can produce. Anger is often referred to as a secondary emotion because it typically follows a different emotion, such as sadness. For example, if you’re experiencing feelings of injustice after a family member died in a car accident, you may express anger toward the other driver or the hospital employees providing care. It is also common to be angry with the person who passed away—and even with oneself.
Bargaining
Bargaining is another common response to the loss of a loved one. This could include asking a higher power for the individual back or thinking about what could’ve been done to avoid the situation. For example, you may wonder whether your loved one’s death could’ve been prevented if you’d visited them more often. This is often an attempt to exert control over the situation.
Depression
Depression can refer to either clinical depression or common mental and physical symptoms that are associated with depressive disorders. An individual who is grieving may experience sadness, loneliness, loss of energy, lack of motivation, trouble focusing, and similar challenges.
Acceptance
Acceptance refers to the acknowledgment that a loved one has passed. While acceptance often signals the completion of the grieving process, this is not always the case. Acceptance is not about forgetting; it's about allowing oneself to move forward in a healthy way. You may still feel sad and miss the person from time to time, but acceptance typically means that you’re adjusting to life without them.
How to cope with the grieving process
Navigating grief can be a challenge, potentially causing us to struggle to move forward with our lives or function normally. Having some tips for addressing your feelings as you grieve can help you take steps toward acceptance. The following are strategies for coping with grief.
Let yourself feel
Sometimes, we struggle for longer than necessary because we ignore or repress our emotions during the bereavement process. It can be challenging to confront emotions related to grief, particularly for those who haven’t experienced it before. As you navigate the grieving process, try to remain in touch with your emotions so you can work through them in a constructive manner. Suppressing emotions like sadness, anger, or loneliness can cause them to resurface in potentially harmful ways. In the following sections, we’ll discuss different ways you can express these feelings.
Reach out for support
Grief is one of the more difficult experiences we go through in our lives, but we don't have to go through it alone. Social support can be a crucial aspect of navigating the grieving process healthily. Your friends, family members, and other loved ones can provide comfort and provide an outlet for your feelings. They are likely already aware of your situation and may be more than willing to help you through this tough time. Consider reaching out to them whenever you need support.
Realize it is a natural response
Grief is a natural process that comes with a wide range of emotions. It's typical to feel angry and sad or even to feel numb after the loss of a loved one or upon learning about a terminal illness. These feelings are normal and are part of the typical response to loss. You may want to acknowledge that grief can be a roller coaster with ups and downs and that, during this difficult time, there's nothing wrong with expressing your feelings in various ways. Giving yourself permission to grieve as you navigate through this period can be helpful.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve
Grief is deeply personal, and there's no correct way to experience it. What works for one person might not work for another. You may find meaning in certain rituals, moments of reflection, or simply talking about the person who died, while others might find solace in solitude or doing activities that don't directly relate to their grief. Grief takes time, and it's essential to allow yourself to process what happened at your own pace.
If you would like additional support as you work through grief, consider doing an online search with the query "grief support groups near me" or "grief counseling near me”. A support group can connect you with a network of people who are also grieving, allowing you to talk through your emotions, learn new coping techniques, and feel less lonely. A grief counselor is someone who is specially trained to address bereavement. They may provide emotional support, give you tips for processing your feelings, and help you work through related mental health challenges.
Keep a journal
Many people find it therapeutic to keep a grief journal. A journal can be an outlet for their emotions and a way to process their feelings surrounding the loss of their loved one. You can use your journal to keep logs of how you are feeling, commemorate memories of the person you lost, or write letters to this person. Research suggests that journaling can help improve recovery from grief and alleviate symptoms of mental health challenges.
Avoid major changes
Your life may look significantly different after the passing of a loved one, and that often requires a period of adjustment. Major life changes might seem like the right moves to make, but they can be detrimental to your healing process. Comfort and stability are often crucial as you try to process your feelings and move forward.
Many experts recommend giving yourself plenty of time and space to adapt to your new way of living before deciding to substantially alter your life. For example, you may be tempted to move away soon after the death of a loved one, possibly to alleviate feelings of sadness associated with home. In this scenario, working through your feelings before changing your life can help you avoid making a decision you might regret. The period after you've processed your grief may be the best time to re-evaluate whether you'd like to make this change.
Accept that it’s OK to move forward
Following the death of a loved one, it may be hard to go about your life in the same manner you once did. You might feel guilty about enjoying yourself or worry about forgetting this person. It's important to remember that you can live a full, rewarding life while also cherishing the memory of your loved one. Consider participating in fun activities, nurturing old relationships, or taking up new hobbies. When you're ready, embracing life in different ways can help you move forward and flourish.
Processing grief with online therapy
It’s possible to find support through therapy, either online or in person. Processing grief with online therapy, for example, can help accompany the journey through loss, providing a space to find support. Establishing a relationship with a therapist can offer new perspectives and coping strategies during difficult times.
Studies show that online therapy can help individuals cope with the loss of a loved one. In a study published in the journal Internet Interventions, researchers examined the efficacy of online cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for bereaved individuals, finding that participants experienced significantly lower symptoms of loss and complicated grief, in addition to a decrease in depressive symptoms. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a widely used method that focuses on reframing negative thought processes that may be contributing to maladaptive thoughts and behaviors, such as those related to prolonged grief.
Navigating grief in a healthy way is possible with the right support. Working with a licensed therapist through an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can participate in therapy remotely, which can be helpful if you’re not comfortable discussing the loss of a loved one in person. BetterHelp works with a team of therapists with diverse areas of expertise, so you’ll have a good chance of being matched with someone who can address your specific concerns surrounding the grieving process or similar challenges.
Takeaway
Why is grief so painful?
Grief is a natural response to loss, and it can hurt in a few ways. The physical pain of grief may occur because grief puts a lot of stress on the body. It unleashes stress hormones that can worsen physical conditions that are already present or cause new ones. This stress can also cause changes in appetite and insomnia and can even lead to a form of cardiomyopathy called broken heart syndrome.
Another form of pain caused by grief is emotional pain. Some people may become depressed after the death of a spouse, experiencing symptoms like a lack of appetite, feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness, or suicidal thoughts. Witnessing someone else’s death can also make you focus on your own mortality. If you or someone you love is having suicidal thoughts, contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988. Free support is available 24/7.
How do you release grief from your body?
Coping with grief can be challenging, but there are a range of things you can try to help.
Let yourself feel your grief. Sometimes, people can try to ignore or repress their emotions, but ultimately, this can make the grieving process longer and more challenging. Take care of yourself. Ensure you eat foods, exercise regularly, and get enough sleep. Don’t make significant decisions, like changing jobs or moving, as you may not be in the right state of mind.
Remember that you don’t have to go through it alone. Social support can be crucial to navigating grief, so reach out to a close friend or family member for comfort. Working with a therapist or grief counselor can give you the extra support to work through your grief. Some people may also benefit from joining a grief support group where you can meet people who are also grieving, learn new coping skills, and feel less alone.
There are also many unhealthy ways to grieve, including substance abuse. If you are turning to coping mechanisms that are causing you harm or if you need support to find healthy ways of dealing with your major loss, talking to a therapist can help.
How do you accept the death of a loved one?
No single strategy will work for everyone, so you may need to try a few different approaches to find something that works for you. Here are a few things you can try:
- Give yourself time to mourn. Everyone mourns differently, and it may take some time to accept that your loved one is gone.
- Spend time remembering the good things about them. Take comfort in the good things they have added to your life, and share good memories.
- Say goodbye in a way that honors who they are. Funerals don’t have to be in a church, and not everyone has to wear black. Talk to friends and family and come up with a way to say goodbye while honoring the person’s life in a way that suits who they were.
- Carry on their legacy. If your loved one was passionate about a particular charity or if they volunteered at a non-profit, get involved in those organizations. Give your time to something that meant a lot to them.
- Talk to them. You can continue speaking to the person you lost if it makes you feel better when you’re sad, scared, confused, or happy.
- Reach out for help. Coping with grief can be challenging, but you don’t have to go through it alone. Join a local bereavement group to connect with people going through something similar, or reach out for professional help from a grief counselor or therapist.
How long does grief typically last?
Grief affects everyone differently. It can last for weeks or persist for years. Grief that is severe or persistent may signal that the person is experiencing prolonged grief disorder. Some people who have seen their loved one in palliative care or getting increasingly sicker can also experience anticipatory grief, which is a grieving process that starts before someone’s death.
Where is grief stored in your body?
People can feel grief differently. Some people may feel empty or experience nausea or a loss of appetite, in which case it may feel like grief is stored in their core. Other people may have physical pain in other places when grieving, like back pain, shoulder tension, or an old knee injury acting up.
When does grieving become unhealthy?
If grief persists without improving or prevents you from continuing with your life, you may be experiencing prolonged grief disorder. People with this condition may have a hard time completing daily tasks at home or work. This type of grief is disabling and affects daily functioning in ways that typical grieving does not. For a diagnosis of prolonged grief disorder, the death must have occurred at least a year ago (six months ago for children), and the person must experience at least three of the following symptoms nearly every day for the last month:
- Identity disruption, like feeling as if a part of yourself has died
- A marked sense of disbelief about the death
- Avoiding reminders that the person is dead
- Intense emotional pain related to the death
- Difficulty reintegrating
- Emotional numbness
- Feeling like life is meaningless
- Feeling intense loneliness
What month of grief is the hardest?
Grief is different for everyone. For some, the hardest part may be the month following the death as they learn to adjust to life without the person. For others, the loss may not hit them immediately, and it may take a few months to start to feel overwhelming.
What is the most painful loss in life?
There is no way to compare different types of loss because everyone feels things differently, and every situation is unique.
What is the hardest form of grief?
Everyone’s grief is different, and comparing one type of grief to another is impossible. That said, complicated grief or prolonged grief may be more challenging to overcome than other forms of grief and loss.
What are the 3 C's of grief?
The three C’s of grief are choose, communicate, and compromise. The three C’s can be used to help you and your family work through pain and emotions on special days like birthdays or holidays.
Choose refers to choosing how you want to participate in events and activities. You can decide to do what’s right for you. If you want to skip a big family celebration but honor the person by lighting a candle, creating a ritual, or doing something special, that’s okay! Make a plan that meets your needs, not the needs of the other people in your family.
Communicating your needs to your family is also important. Everyone grieves differently. Maybe you don’t want to attend the big family holiday meal this year, but someone else might feel better at a big dinner surrounded by family. Talk about how you feel and what you’re planning with those around you to help them understand your choice.
Finally, compromise is essential in these cases because everyone grieves in their own way. You may not understand someone else’s grief experience, and they may not understand yours, but you have to figure out how to co exist. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. By openly discussing these things, you may understand one another better and find common ground when necessary.
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