I Miss My Dad: Ways To Cope With Grief, Honor Your Father's Memory, And Find Support

Losing a father can be painful, leading to many emotions and thoughts that may make daily life difficult. Seeing other people having happy relationships with their dad and living most of your adult life without a father can be isolating and confusing. Whether you lost your dad to death or estrangement, knowing how to cope with grief and support yourself through difficult feelings can be advantageous. Below, explore the symptoms of grief, ways to honor a father’s memory, how to move forward after estrangement, and steps to find professional help. 

I miss my dad: Understanding the grieving process 

Grief is a complicated emotional process. Although it’s often associated with death, grief can occur after any type of loss, including estrangement, distance, deportation, and more. While grieving, one may experience a range of emotions, including fear, anger, sadness, and shock. Some people may also experience states of denial or bargaining.

Although moments of acceptance can come throughout the grieving process, grief is often considered a lifelong experience that can come and go as you learn to cope with it. If you don’t experience these emotions or have a sense of numbness or relief, you’re not alone. Grief is not linear, and it’s different for everyone. 

Missing your dad is a natural response to losing him. Even if you had a rocky or traumatic relationship, it’s normal to miss the happy memories together or yearn for a future you wished you could have had. It’s okay if missing your dad comes and goes or seems to be constant, regardless of how long it’s been since you lost him or the circumstances of the loss. You have a right to grieve, and grieving is human, even when it looks different from the ways in which grief is portrayed in media. 

What if he’s still alive? Grieving an estranged parent

You might wonder whether you can grieve and miss your dad if he left your life or if you decided to end your relationship due to trauma or another reason. Grief is natural, and whether you grieve someone is not limited to certain circumstances. Many people with estranged parents experience deep feelings of grief. You may feel sad that you won’t have the relationship with your dad that you had hoped for. You might be angry that your dad didn’t give you the life you deserved. Either way, missing your dad when he’s still alive is normal and okay. 

Different theories of grief: Stages of grief, including sadness and anger 

Although the most popular theory of grief is the “Five Stages of Grief” model by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), there are many other theories of grief to which you may relate: 

• Attachment theory 
• Task-based theory (acceptance, mourning, adjustment, and finding new connections) 
• The dual process model of grief 
• Meaning reconstruction 

You may experience aspects of grief from multiple theories. If these theories are helpful to you, it can be useful to use them. If not, you don’t need to put labels on your grief.

Ways to honor your dad’s memory after loss 

If you lost your dad to death or estrangement and want to honor his memory, consider the following practices. 

Create a ritual 

Rituals and traditions can add meaning to your connection with your lost loved one. For example, you might go on a walk at their favorite hiking trail every year on their birthday or light a candle for them on Christmas. Traditions don’t have to occur on a particular day, either. You can establish a tradition of writing in your journal to the person whenever you’re having a hard time or buy a special candle that reminds you of them whenever you see it. Rituals can be what you make them, and they don’t have to be spiritual or religious. 

Connect with your spirituality or religion 

If you have a spirituality or religion that is important to you, connecting with those beliefs may help you reconnect with your lost loved one. Many people believe in the idea of an afterlife, and knowing your loved one is at peace or with other lost loved ones in spirit may help you cope with the loss. You may remind yourself that death is an inevitable part of life, but that you will someday join them in this place and see them again in spirit, if this is part of your belief system. You may also consider lighting candles for the individual or setting up an altar to commemorate them. 

I lost my father: Write a letter to him about your grieving process  

Writing to your dad, even if he won’t see the letter, can help you externalize your emotions about the loss. Consider telling him about your life. You can write as many letters as you want and use him as someone you can “talk to” when you’re feeling lonely. You might also write about good memories or how he was an amazing man and your best friend. When writing, consider keeping your letters in a safe box where you can return and read them to remember all that you went through and what you wanted your dad to know. 

Talk about memories, grief, and emotions, including sadness, with loved ones 

Connecting with others can be a helpful and productive way to navigate grief or cope if you feel guilty, shameful, or scared. Talk to others who knew your dad and ask them about the memories and important moments they want to share about him. You might discover something new about your dad that you never knew, which can help keep memories alive and remind you that there’s always more to learn about your family member. 

You can also ask others what your dad said about you before your dad passed. You might discover ways he was proud of you as you were growing up if you had the chance to know each other. Even if he died before your birth, you can learn about his opinions on having children or how he was with your siblings or your other parent. 

I lost my father: Coping with traumatic grief and unexpected loss 

Traumatic grief can put individuals at risk of complicated grief or prolonged grief disorder (PGD), which generally involves severe grief that lasts over a year and makes daily functioning difficult. Traumatic grief can have symptoms like: 

• Frequent crying 
• Anxiety 
• Severe depression 
• Numbness
• Difficulty finding motivation for work or self-care
• Fear of losing other loved ones 
• Social isolation 
• Appetite changes, potentially resulting in weight changes
• Sleep changes, such as sleeping too much or too little 

People who experience a traumatic loss have a higher risk of developing prolonged grief disorder. A traumatic loss might be unexpected or involve a traumatic event, such as a murder or aggressive attack. If you experience traumatic grief after your dad’s death, talking to a therapist may be helpful to continue to live life to the fullest. You might also consider a grief support group to process your experiences about how your dad died and find hope for the future, as well as connect with others who understand the matter of life and loss. 

How to move forward if you’re estranged from your dad

If you’re grieving your dad because you’re estranged (not by choice), consider the following ways to cope: 

• Practice self-care
• Journal about how your dad leaving you feels and what thoughts or beliefs arise when you think about him 
• Remind yourself that the estrangement is not your fault 
• Find a chosen family or connect with other family members 
• Consider whether being in low contact with your dad is helpful or harmful to you (for example, if he sends you a letter once a year, do you want to reply?) 
• Remind yourself that other people’s choices are not a reflection of your self-worth 
• Allow yourself to feel any emotions that arise, including ones that might be uncomfortable, such as anger 
• Try spending time with someone who has also lost a father 

Grieving an estranged parent when you choose to cut contact 

If you’re the one who chose to cut contact with your father, you’re not alone. Many adult children stop speaking to their parents because of abuse, trauma, or other reasons. You have the right to set boundaries for who is in your life, but try not to judge yourself if you feel sad or wish the relationship had been different. If you miss your dad, even when you’re estranged for a reason, remind yourself of why you chose to distance yourself. It can be important to give yourself the compassion to validate that it’s okay to want a healthy relationship with your dad, even if one is not possible right now or in the future. 

Treatment options for grief 

Grief can be complex, and failing to seek support can lead to worsening symptoms and the potential for complicated grief. Talking to a therapist is one of the most effective treatments for grief. Many modalities are specifically centered around grief, and bereavement counselors are a specialized type of professional trained to help you through this time. You can go to a grief counselor in cases of estrangement as well as death. Trauma counselors may also be helpful. Finally, you might consider joining a grief center or attending a support group. 

Compassionate therapy can help you cope with grief

Talk to a licensed counselor online

Alternative support options 

If you struggle to access in-person support options, you may consider finding more accessible forms of grief therapy through an online platform like BetterHelp. With an online platform, you can complete a quick questionnaire to be matched with a professional who meets your preferences. Additionally, you can access group sessions, worksheets, and journaling prompts in addition to your weekly session with your therapist. 

Studies have found online therapy especially effective for grief. In a 2021 study, researchers determined that internet interventions could reduce grief, depression, and post-traumatic stress symptoms. In addition, the participants rated their satisfaction with the intervention as high.