Learning The Definition Of Grief Can Be The First Step To Finding Peace
Grief is often a part of being human, and many people experience it throughout life. Some people may also believe that without the depths of grief, it is more challenging to fully appreciate moments of joy, beauty, and peacefulness. However, grief can be challenging and painful to experience. If you've ever grieved, or if you or someone you love is grieving currently, understanding the definition of grief and how it works for people worldwide may help you feel a sense of solidarity in your experiences.
Grief definition
Grief is a natural process. It isn't an illness or mental health condition. The roots of the modern word "grief" come from the Anglo-French word "gref," which denotes "hardship, misfortune, distress, and trouble." The following are a few synonyms for grief:
Distress
Despair
Frustration
Regret
Bereavement
Loss
However, grief is primarily defined as emotional pain or deep mental anguish in reaction to change. Often, grief is a response to the death or loss of a loved one or pet.
Aspects of grief
There are several distinct types of grief and terminology to learn, including the following.
Bereavement
After a loved one dies, the process you go through is called bereavement. Bereavement is defined as a period of mourning. However, it isn't necessarily limited to a specific amount of time.
In some places, the mourning period was defined by cultural norms. During the official bereavement period, after the death of a spouse, for example, rules may have been in place about how long you could wait before you remarry, date, or spend time alone with a person of the gender you're attracted to. After that time, it was considered acceptable to move on. In many modern societies and the US, a bereavement period is determined more by how quickly you pass through the grieving process. This period can vary from person to person.
Loss
The word "grief" is often associated with death, such as a death in the family or the death of someone you love. However, any loss can be a cause of grief. If you were fired from a job you loved, you might grieve. If you moved to a different city and left behind close family and friends, your loss could lead to grief. Grief can also occur if you lose an eye or a limb.
People can also grieve lost artifacts or family heirlooms. Broken relationships, getting a pay cut, or finding out you have a terminal illness could all be reasons for grief. Many people also grieve when losing a pet to death.
Acute grief
Acute grief is the period directly after a loss has occurred (such as the death of a loved one). Anger, anxiety, and sorrow commonly occur with acute grief. You may struggle to concentrate as you process your grief during this time. This grief may pass naturally or become complicated grief.
Complicated grief
Complicated grief occurs when any factor interferes with a person's ability to overcome their sorrow and pain and find acceptance after loss. A person with inconsolable grief may see the future as unappealing and meaningless without their loved one. Complicated grief may also happen due to a traumatic loss. In many cases, therapy can be a beneficial treatment for complicated or prolonged grief.
Stages of grief
Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross came up with the five-stage model of grief in 1969. This model has become well-known and respected, and it's used extensively in grief counseling. The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Although Kubler-Ross first presented these stages as a linear model, you may pass through them in any order and revisit them several times before the grief process is complete. There's also a model that includes seven stages of grief. It includes two additional stages: the upward trend and the move toward seeking support.
Note that the Kubler-Ross model of grief is a theory, and although it is often helpful to grieving individuals, you might not identify with the concepts. Many people do not experience a linear scale of emotions, and others might feel comforted by having words to describe their experiences. Go with the theory that feels best to you.
Denial
Denial can mean you struggle to accept the loss you've experienced. Although you've lost someone you love, you might feel and behave as if nothing has happened. For example, maybe your boss fires you from a job where you've been successful for many years, and you go back to work the next day as if the event had never occurred. Some people may also experience denial about their denial.
Anger
In the anger stage of grief, you might feel extreme rage. Your anger may be directed at someone you feel has caused or contributed to the death. You might also be angry with the doctors caring for your loved one or yourself. Some people get angry at a higher power in their religion or the person who died. Anger can be a normal emotional response to grief. However, having the tools to cope with it can be beneficial.
Bargaining
Bargaining often involves an attempt to make a deal after a loss. Many people bargain with a higher power when they or their loved one is terminally ill. They pray, begging their higher power to take them instead of their loved ones. They might say they'll be better if their loved one recovers from their illness. Grieving children sometimes try to bargain with their parents, not understanding that the parent can't stop or reverse death.
Depression
According to Kubler-Ross, many people show symptoms of depression when they've recently lost a loved one. They may have disturbances in their sleep, poor appetite, or frequent sadness. If you find yourself depressed while grieving, it can be natural. However, if you experience severe symptoms of struggling to care for yourself, eat, or care for your children, reach out for support. There are many grief resources in the US, and people may be able to help you organize a routine.
Acceptance
Acceptance may not mean you've forgotten the person you cared for or completely moved on from their memory. Instead, it may mean living with the grief and growing around it, not feeling like it controls your life any longer. People may reach the acceptance stage multiple times in their grief, which may not be linear.
Why do humans grieve?
Grief is often considered an aspect of humanity. Loving another person is a part of life for many people. People may empathize with this loss when someone dies or loses someone, as they've often experienced a loss themselves. Losing someone you care about can be an extensive transition that can change your life forever.
Whether you're struggling because your marriage is over, your favorite pet has died, or your spouse is terminally ill, permanent change may occur. Learning how to live with such changes can feel challenging and sometimes impossible. Humans grieve as a response to loving, attaching, and caring.
As social creatures, it is often seen as strange not to grieve. Many animals, like elephants and chimpanzees, also have funeral rituals and grief. Grief is a natural expression of processing the fact that an individual in or element of your life is no longer there.
Symptoms of the grieving process
Many of the symptoms of grief are the same across the board, regardless of the type. However, symptoms can vary from person to person and may affect you physically, mentally, and emotionally. Your behavior might change, and your symptoms can shift depending on what stage of grief you're going through. Below are a few of the most common signs of grief.
Symptoms of acute grief
If you or a loved one has lost someone, you may have acute grief symptoms. Experiencing acute grief is natural, but it often doesn't last longer than a year. The following are some of the signs that you or someone you love might be experiencing acute grief:
Bodily feelings of distress or pain
Frequent sighing
An empty feeling in the stomach
Shortness of breath
Tightness in the throat
A choking sensation
Muscle weakness
Fatigue
Chest pain
Palpitations
Nausea
Dizziness
Hair loss
Excessive crying
Feelings of disbelief or guilt
Sadness
Apathy
Anxiety
Panic
A feeling of emptiness or meaninglessness
Numbness
Fear
Loneliness
Feeling emotionally distant from others
Isolating behaviors
Feelings of irritability or anger
Restlessness
Insomnia
Absentmindedness
Difficulty concentrating
Trouble keeping up with daily activities
Thinking about your death
Obsessing over a loved one's death story
Hallucinations of the deceased
Feeling unable to express the words for your feelings
You don’t have to move through the stages of grief alone
Symptoms of complicated grief
Many of the symptoms of complicated grief are the same as those of acute grief, but they may be more intense and last much longer. If you haven't resolved your grief after about a year, you may have complicated grief and might benefit from grief counseling.
The following examples are signs of complicated grief:
Intense sorrow and pain that won't go away
Obsessive thoughts about the memory of your loved one
Making the deceased your primary focus in life
Inability to accept the death or loss
Longing for the person you lost
Feeling numb or detached
Experiencing feelings of bitterness
An inability to trust others
An inability to enjoy daily life or think of happy moments with your loved one
The sense that life has no purpose
Difficulty carrying out necessary daily activities
Isolation
Pervasive feelings of sadness
Depression
Thinking you should have died with your loved one
Nightmares
Scary persistent memories of your loved one
Symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
Tips for coping with complex grief
Kubler-Ross's five stages of grief are one of the most well-known models, but a psychologist named J.W. Worden devised a different framework. He called it the four tasks of mourning. Worden's model defines grief and outlines what may help individuals cope with a loss, including the following tips.
Step one: Accept the reality of the loss
After losing someone, it may be beneficial to accept the loss, telling yourself it has occurred. Try to understand, in all your thoughts and emotions, that your time with the person you've lost is over. Although it can feel scary to accept that a loss has occurred, it may help you move forward to other phases of grief more quickly.
Cope through the pain
Coping through the pain is sometimes the most challenging part of the grieving process. Instead of avoiding your feelings surrounding the loss, try to let yourself feel them. Your emotions might be complex, no matter how healthy and rewarding the relationship was. You might also experience emotions you don't understand, such as freedom or relief.
Working through the pain can involve letting yourself feel your emotions, but it can also mean releasing them and letting positivity back into your life. You may benefit from talking to a counselor during this period.
Adjust to life without the individual
As you start to cope with your emotional pain, you may find value in adjusting to your new circumstances. You may feel confused about what to do with your life following your loss. Try to find areas you are grateful for in your new life. Look at the positives that have come into your life since your loss.
Maintain connection while moving forward
Although your loved one is gone, maintaining a healthy connection with memories of them can be beneficial. Moving through grief often isn't about forgetting someone. If you find yourself avoiding all reminders of them, you may not be finished with the grieving process yet.
Finding support from a grief counselor
If you or a loved one is experiencing intense grief and struggling to cope with loss, there are many options for finding support. Grief counseling may help you move through your grief within a framework that makes sense to you. Many people contact a grief counselor through a grief center in their area. Others might look at exclusive practice therapists. You can also consider grief therapy online, which may be beneficial if you struggle to organize outside appointments.
Online therapy platforms like BetterHelp can match you with trained, qualified grief counselors to guide you as you navigate your grief. Since grief can lead to mental health conditions like depression, a therapist can offer coping advice and resources to support you in your mental healing. In addition, you can take advantage of extra features like webinars or an in-app journal to connect with your grief and process it openly.
Researchers have also found that online therapy can be a viable option for individuals moving through grief or experiencing complications from loss. One study assessed the efficacy of an internet-delivered cognitive-behavioral therapy program for prolonged grief disorder in adults. Researchers found that "most participants showed a clinically significant change in depression" and "improvement in symptoms of loss and typical beliefs in complicated grief." Participants also reported being highly satisfied with the treatment content, format, and usability.
Takeaway
Does the pain of grief only apply to death?
No; grief is an experience that can apply to many different types of painful situations. According to the American Psychological Association's definition of grief, while it’s usually a response to the death of a loved one, it can also “take the form of regret for something lost, remorse for something done, or sorrow for a mishap to oneself.” There are also many different types of grief depending on the situation and the way the person naturally responds to it, such as anticipatory grief, delayed grief, absent grief, chronic grief, traumatic grief, collective grief, cumulative grief, and abbreviated grief. In other words, there are many different ways and reasons a person may experience grief.
How does grief change a person?
The way grief changes a person depends on the individual and the circumstances, but it is common to be deeply affected by the experience. For many people, the loss that causes their grief affects their daily routine, their habits, and their future. Research even suggests that grief may cause changes in the brain, which can be lasting. In many cases, the experience can also help a person build resilience and coping strategies that allow them to process difficult emotions, especially when they work through their grief and emotional distress with a mental health practitioner like a therapist or grief counselor.
Does grief have to be about loss?
Grief is often about loss in some form, such as a death or the end of a long-term relationship, but it isn't always. It could also occur as a result of other types of situations, such as a serious, life-changing injury or illness, being imprisoned, losing one’s home, and being fired or laid off. Each person is unique in how they respond to difficult situations. What causes grief and escalated distress in one individual may not in another, or grief may look vastly different between them.
Why is it important to understand the grieving process?
Understanding the grieving process can help a person expect confusing emotions and various emotional symptoms to arise, which may help them show self-compassion and reach out for support as needed. A broader understanding of the grieving process in society may increase empathy for those experiencing it and educate individuals on how to support or seek help for loved ones who may need it.
How does complicated grief affect you socially?
Complicated grief is “intense and persistent grief that causes problems and interferes with daily life.” Not everyone will develop complicated grief; risk factors include a sudden and unexpected loss, a history of mental health challenges, or experienced trauma in conjunction with the loss. This diagnosable mental illness can cause both emotional symptoms as well as physical symptoms like an upset stomach, trouble sleeping, and medical complications. It also has the potential to lead to major depression or similar symptoms. In terms of social effects, both conventional grief and complicated grief can lead to social withdrawal. With complicated grief in particular, a person may also have trouble thinking about anything besides their loss, which could make social situations more difficult.
Why is grief one of the most important processes in life?
Grief can be an important process for many reasons. First, although circumstances and mourning rituals can differ, grief is universal, connecting all of humanity in the past, present, and future. Second, it can be a significant pivotal moment and learning experience in a person's life. While most people have difficulty accepting that a family member is gone or a long-term relationship has ended, finding healthy ways to cope over time is an ability that will typically serve a person throughout the rest of their life.
Does grief affect decision-making and mental health?
Yes; it is possible for grief to affect a person's decision-making abilities. Heightened and complex emotions can make it difficult to think clearly enough to properly weigh alternatives and make the right choice for them. Grief can also affect mental health in general in significant ways, potentially leading to symptoms like social withdrawal, persistent low mood, fatigue, difficulty accepting reality, anxiety symptoms, panic attacks, and others. That’s why seeking the support of a cognitive behavioral therapy provider or grief counselor before or when primary grief indicators peak is often recommended.
Why is it so hard to cope with grief?
Grief is a universally difficult experience for bereaved persons and their family members. This may be because it's usually the result of a significant, unexpected, and unwanted life change. In addition, grief usually stems from something that's out of our control, which can be difficult to cope with and may remind us of the unexpectedness of life.
How do people cope with the stages of grief differently?
There's often a significant difference in the way one person experiences the stages of grief compared to another. Some people will not experience any of the recognizable stages of this model, while others will only experience a few, or all of them but in a different order. The five stages of grief model is just one of several and is intended to be a tool rather than a prescriptive process. Each person will have their own way of feeling and moving through grief, and respecting its many different manifestations can be helpful and healthy for families and communities.
Does grief get easier over time?
In most cases, the emotional labor and difficulties caused by grief will get better over time. The healing process is usually gradual and nonlinear. If grief does not appear to be subsiding over time, it could be a sign of a mental illness known as complicated grief, for which an individual should generally seek professional support. If you have a risk factor or multiple risk factors for complicated grief, it can be important for you and your loved ones to look out for signs of it after experiencing a loss.
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