The Bargaining Stage of Grief: Coping Strategies for Losing Someone You Love

The five stages of grief were originally defined by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a psychiatrist who worked with patients who had been given terminal diagnoses. Kübler-Ross was frustrated about the lack of instruction on death in medical schools. After conducting numerous interviews with patients, she developed the concept of the five stages, including the bargaining stage, which she published in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. 

It can be important to note that Kübler-Ross did not intend for her model to be interpreted as linear, meaning that every person must move smoothly from one stage to the next, experiencing all five stages in sequential order. Instead, it tends to be more common for people to work through some stages and not others, or for all five stages to be experienced in no particular order. Everyone processes grief differently, and the five-stage model does not necessarily dictate this process. While many individuals successfully move through grief on their own, some may find it helpful to work with a licensed therapist for further guidance and support.

The five stages of grief

Below, explore the five stages of grief, as defined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.

Stage 1: Denial

Denial refers to the period of grief in which a person refuses to accept the reality of their loss. This may be a defense mechanism to protect against shock. 

This phase can involve subtle denial, such as refusing to discuss the loss in conversation, or overt denial, in which a person may claim that the loss did not happen or question the credibility of the source who delivered the news of the loss.

Stage 2: Anger

A grieving person’s anger can be directed toward themselves, their family members, doctors, a higher power, or the person to whom the loss is primarily linked (including the deceased person). This anger can manifest in a variety of ways, including becoming more impatient, blaming oneself for the loss, or experiencing a general sense of heightened irritability.

Stage 3: Bargaining

Bargaining may involve attempts to negotiate or make compromises to “fix” the loss or alleviate the pain associated with it. Such attempts can be natural responses to the sense of overwhelm and powerlessness that can accompany a loss.

Stage 4: Depression

In the five stages model, depression usually refers to the intense sadness associated with a loss. Many of the behaviors present in the other stages of grief may be intended to stave off depression or to distract from it. Depression after a loss can involve a lack of interest in previously enjoyed activities, restlessness, guilt, a lack of energy, weight gain or loss, a sense of worthlessness, a decreased ability to concentrate, and changes in sleep patterns.

Stage 5: Acceptance

In the acceptance stage, a person may come to terms with the reality of their loss and begin to determine how to move forward. They may no longer perceive their grief as something against which they need to struggle. In the case of the death of a loved one, they may focus more on celebrating the life of the deceased person. 

What is the bargaining phase of grief?

The bargaining stage of the grieving process is often defined by negotiation. Someone in this phase may have regular conversations with themselves, the people around or a higher power to try to resolve the painful emotions associated with the loss. 

Psychologists typically divide bargaining into two categories, past and present. Some people may experience one category of bargaining or the other, or they may go through both.

• Past bargaining: Dwelling on situations that previously occurred and what might have happened if they had behaved differently, or wanting to go back and change the past to make the loss go away
• Present bargaining: Making a deal with themselves or an external force that if they behave in a particular way, their emotional state will improve

Bargaining can be thought of as a defense mechanism against the sense of helplessness that can be associated with the grief process. Many people have trouble accepting the reality of their losses, along with the limits of their individual control over the circumstances surrounding the loss. Bargaining can help people believe they have more agency. 

Prolonged grief disorder can occur when a person’s grief persists for an extended period and has noticeable negative impacts on their daily life and overall well-being. Prolonged grief disorder can be treated by a mental health professional.

Signs a person might be in the bargaining stage of grief

Someone who is in the bargaining phase may demonstrate one or more of the following signs:

• Experiencing insecurity, anxiety, and fear
• Ruminating
• Punishing themselves
• Worrying and overthinking, even regarding aspects of life that are not related to the loss
• Judging themselves and other people more than is typical for them
• Always assuming the worst outcome will come to pass
• Blaming themselves for the situation
• Trying to predict the future
• Wishing or praying to change the outcome of the loss
• Thinking or saying statements that begin with, “What if…” “If only I had…” “If I do this, then…”
• Fantasizing about miracles that could change the outcome of the loss
• Making offers to themselves or an external force to contribute to charity, help other people, and be a better person in hopes of making the pain of the loss go away
• Wondering about what could have happened differently
• Experiencing guilt or shame about their thoughts and actions and displaying a lack of self-compassion; for instance, perceiving themselves as “stupid” for thinking they can bargain to change anything

Finding support for the bargaining stage of grief

All stages of grief, including the bargaining stage, can be complex. Support groups can be one way to find comfort and community during this difficult time. Because everyone experiences grief differently, it is unlikely that a person could find a support group specifically for people who are in the bargaining stage, but it is often possible to find a support group for people who have experienced similar losses, like people who have lost a child or who are going through a divorce.

If your bargaining stage behaviors have progressed to the point where they might be considered symptoms of prolonged grief disorder, it may be helpful to speak to a mental health professional. However, grief can sometimes be so all-consuming that the thought of leaving the house for an in-person therapy appointment may be overwhelming. In this instance, online therapy could be a helpful alternative.

Research has indicated that online therapy may be as effective as traditional in-person therapy for treating a range of mental health symptoms, including those associated with working through the stages of grief. One group of researchers conducted a meta-analysis of studies examining online therapy’s efficacy in treating grief symptoms and found that it may be comparable to in-person therapy options.