What Is Emotional Agony, And How Can It Change You?
Agony and grief can be more than temporary feelings or passing emotions. Over time, emotional agony may change your personality, from your values and outlook on life to how you treat others. Recognizing agony and its effects may help you channel those changes more positively.
Defining agony: What is emotional agony?
Agony is a state of severe, extended physical, mental, or emotional pain or discomfort. The word "agony" can describe intense pain experienced in the body or mind. There are various types of pain, including mental pain, spiritual pain, social pain, or what some may refer to as soul pain. Some types of pain are not purely physical but can deeply affect an individual’s mental and spiritual well-being.
Emotional agony is a form of intense emotional pain, mental suffering, or psychological pain that some may experience for a short or extended period due to a specific event or mental health condition. In this state, an individual may grapple with negative emotions, sometimes leading to a dysphoric state. It can manifest itself differently for each person, but it may lead to negative changes like:
Sadness
Chronic stress
Mood swings
Low energy or poor sleep
Changes in appetite
Anxiety or depression
Persistent negative feelings
Trouble maintaining or forming relationships
Risky behaviors
Difficulty caring for your hygiene
If left untreated, emotional agony may escalate into psychogenic pain, in which frustrated psychological needs may occur or be worsened by physical symptoms of other medical conditions. Emotional agony may also lead to severe outcomes like sex addiction and suicide attempts. Many individuals who feel overwhelmed by dysphoric states or social exclusion might struggle with finding a sense of belonging or life meaning.
Five common causes of emotional agony
Agony may occur differently for each person and might not be incited by the same causes. Below are a few potential causes of this experience.
Loss
One of the most common types of emotional agony is the agony of losing someone close to you, otherwise known as grief. Many people go through the process of grief at some point. However, it can often be unexpected and cause turmoil and upheaval. Grief may also be traumatic, which can be associated with feelings of emotional agony.
Mental illness
Emotional agony can also stem from a mental illness like bipolar disorder, depression, or borderline personality disorder (BPD), although these are not the only conditions that may cause it. Those living with a mental health condition may experience emotional agony more frequently than others, often including subjective experiences characterized by intense emotional pain. In these cases, treatment with a mental health professional may be advantageous.
Physical illness
Physical pain, whether it is acute (like a broken bone) or chronic (like arthritis), can lead to a state of emotional agony. The idea that chronic pain can present many challenges and may contribute to ongoing mental and emotional concerns is the foundation of psychosomatic medicine. If someone struggles to find treatment for their pain, they may experience emotional distress from difficulty working, forming relationships, or having leisure time to relax.
Regret
Past mistakes and regrets may also be a primary cause of emotional turmoil in life, often leading to aversive tension as individuals live with their actions and the desire to make amends. If you've made a mistake that you regret—whether it was on purpose or was an accident—living in past regrets can lead to extended periods of emotional agony.
Rejection and failure
Rejection and failure can lead to an ongoing feeling of emotional agony. Some people may be more sensitive to rejection, a phenomenon known as rejection sensitivity. When this symptom occurs, perceived or actual rejection can leave someone feeling extremely distressed, scared, and confused.
Short-term vs. long-term emotional pain and agony
Emotional pain may exist in everyday life. For example, you might have to work on a day when you'd rather stay home and experience stress. You might experience a day where you struggle to make your rent and borrow money from a partner, leading to feelings of guilt. These acute emotional pains may be resolved in the short term or coped with through daily coping mechanisms like mindfulness or deep breathing. However, emotional agony can also persist long-term and be difficult to cope with.
Ways to cope with emotional agony
Although emotional agony can feel unending for some people, there are ways to try to cope with this pain in your daily life, including the following.
Live in the moment
Some people use the practice of mindfulness to cope with challenging emotions. Mindfulness can involve paying attention to your present moment, grounding yourself in reality, and practicing sensory awareness to focus on more than an emotion. In addition, mindfulness could help you consider the areas of your life you are grateful for, potentially providing motivation and comfort. Studies show a correlation between self-compassion and mindfulness practices like meditation.
Reach out for social support
Emotional agony might lead to isolation, which can lead to further emotional agony. Humans are social creatures and benefit significantly from spending time with others. When you begin experiencing severe emotional pain, consider expressing this pain by making it known to someone you trust. Saying the words aloud (or writing them down) to someone willing to receive them may take power from the pain and help you feel more in control of your situation.
Let go of blame and practice radical acceptance
Forgiving yourself or another person can be vital in overcoming emotional agony. Forgiveness is not necessarily about forgetting what happened but letting go of what you cannot change.
One way to accept what cannot be or isn't healthy to change is radical acceptance, a dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) skill from the distress tolerance handout in the DBT workbook. You can follow these steps to try radical acceptance at home:
Observe how you might be questioning or fighting your reality.
Remind yourself that your reality cannot be changed in this situation.
Try to note any causes for the reality. Acknowledge how many people cannot control painful circumstances but can choose how to proceed.
Practice acceptance with your mind, body, and spirit. Use positive self-talk to tell yourself you are willing to accept this situation, even if it is difficult.
List all the behaviors you'd partake in if you already accepted this situation. Then, act this way until you find it aligns with your reality.
Cope ahead by thinking of ways to accept the situation if it worsens.
Attend to your body sensations using mindfulness or meditation to connect with yourself.
Allow disappointment, sadness, grief, or anger to arise if they do. Give them the space to exist without judgment.
Acknowledge that life can be worth living, even when there is pain.
Create a pros and cons list if you are resisting acceptance further.
If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or urges, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or text 988 to talk to someone over SMS. Support is available 24/7.
Get proactive with happiness
While understanding that some emotional pain and agony may be unavoidable, developing a strategy to increase happiness in your life may be helpful. Note that happiness is a temporary emotion, and all emotions have a place in life. If you don't feel constantly happy, you're not alone. Humans often cycle through multiple emotions per day. A few ways you can have more moments of happiness may include the following:
Adhering to a solid schedule of sleeping, eating, and working
Spending time with friends and family
Exercising regularly
Eating healthy meals
Washing your face with cool water before bed
Journaling about your feelings
Spending time with your pets
Finding a hobby that brings you joy and setting aside time for it daily or weekly
Participating in a creative activity like art or music
Writing stories or poetry
Planning a fun event or trip
Exploring your city or nature near your city
Creating a dream board with your goals and wishes to motivate yourself
Finding support for emotional distress
While defining agony can be a start to understanding it, emotional agony may be challenging to overcome alone. While helpful, the support provided by friends and family might not seem enough or could be biased. It may be beneficial to consider the guidance of a professional like a therapist.
If your emotional agony makes it challenging to care for yourself, set appointments, or leave home, you can also try online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp. Online therapy allows you to connect with a therapist over video chat, phone call, or live chat messaging. You can also set your goals for therapy before getting started to ensure you match with someone specializing in your concerns.
Research shows that online counseling is as effective as in-person sessions and can help individuals cope with anxiety and depression. One such study from Palo Alto University found that approximately 73% of study participants saw improved symptoms after six weeks of video-based cognitive-behavioral therapy.
“Yvette has really helped me grow. After around 3-4 months, I've already seen an improvement in my ability to handle tough situations and develop a stronger inner self. I've had therapy from countless professionals, but this is the first time that I had therapy and I am actually resilient emotionally. Wow, I didn't know I could do that, and really thank Yvette for being a great therapist to help get me to this point.”
Takeaway
How do you deal with emotional agony?
An easy way to deal with emotional agony is to remember the acronym PATH. PATH stands for pause, acknowledge, think, and help.
- Pause. Don’t act on your feelings right away. Take a beat to allow yourself to react appropriately. Recognizing when to pause is likely one of the most important parts of managing difficult emotions.
- Acknowledge. Don’t try to avoid your feelings or stuff them away. Think about what you are feeling and why you are feeling that way. Remind yourself it is okay to have those emotions.
- Think. Acknowledging your feelings has likely lessened their severity. Now, you can think through how to make yourself feel better proactively.
- Help. Execute an action that helps you feel better. Try to choose a healthy helping behavior, like getting extra self-care by going for a walk or leaning on friends or family members for support.
What happens to people with too much emotional pain?
People with too much pain and emotional suffering often turn to unhealthy coping strategies to try to make themselves feel better. Some unhealthy strategies may work in the short term, but the long-term effects often leave the person feeling worse. Some common unhealthy coping strategies are listed below:
- Denial occurs when a person refuses to accept their emotional pain or the circumstances that caused it.
- Withdrawal is when a person doesn’t want to be around others. It can be a warning sign of depression and will likely worsen unpleasant feelings.
- Bullying is the use of force, threats, or ridicule to hold power over others. The person makes themselves feel better by putting others down.
- Self-harm can include things like cutting, disordered eating, or excessively risky behavior.
- Substance use involves taking alcohol or other drugs to alleviate feelings of unhappiness and pain.
What causes emotional agony?
Severe emotional distress can be caused by nearly anything. Grief, trauma, or poorly managed self-care can all potentially cause extremely unpleasant feelings. Community-wide adverse events, like natural disasters, can also cause emotional distress. Some of the warning signs that emotional agony is building are listed below:
- Sleeping too much or too little
- Withdrawing from others
- Little or no energy
- Unexplained aches and pains, such as frequent stomachaches or headaches
- Worsening hopelessness and helplessness
- Increased worry, anxiety, or fear related to uncertainty.
Why is emotional pain worse than physical pain?
It is difficult to compare emotional and physical pain accurately. Depending on the injury, physical pain may be much more severe than emotional pain. On the other hand, emotional pain may tend to last longer and healing the psychological wounds that cause the pain may take more conscious effort than healing physical wounds. Still, chronic physical pain is also real, and both psychological pain and physical pain can interact and worsen each other. It is also likely worth considering each individual’s pain tolerance, coping strategies, and available support.
How do you help someone heal from emotional pain?
You may want to consider helping someone heal from emotional pain by recommending they see a therapist or other mental health professional. Painful emotions can lead to unhealthy coping strategies, like substance use, that can worsen a person’s condition. You should continue to provide emotional support, but a professional can help the person find the root causes of their pain and address it healthily before it further worsens their well-being.
How do you help someone who is struggling emotionally?
One of the best things you can do to help someone struggling emotionally is to keep reaching out to them. Withdrawal and social isolation are common in those who are dealing with challenging emotions, and they may not have the same energy to put into socialization as they once did.
You can likely make a significant difference in their lives just by continuing to engage them in positive social interaction. If you’d like to give them even more support, consider inviting them along for a brisk walk, jog, or other form of exercise. Evidence indicates that regular physical activity is one of the best ways to quickly reduce negative feelings and improve overall well-being.
Can emotional pain change a person?
Any type of suffering has the potential to change a person. Psychic pain, or pain from feelings and emotional weight, is likely the same. Chronic emotional pain increases the likelihood a person will turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms, which further increases the risk of serious complications, like thoughts of suicide. The risk of mental disorders also increases, and pre-existing mental health concerns can likely exacerbate the emotional pain a person experiences. For example, feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, two of the key features of major depression, may create a substantial barrier that prevents a person from using healthy coping strategies and seeking help to manage their painful feelings.
How do you control emotional stress?
One of the best ways to control difficult emotions is to maintain good self-care. Self-care includes any action you take to support your overall well-being in a healthy, proactive way. It does not include unhealthy coping strategies, like substance use or avoidance. While there are many elements of self-care, it is often most helpful to start at the basic foundations. There are three core self-care features that enable a person to achieve good physical and mental health: sleep, diet, and exercise.
Sleep disturbances are known to be a risk factor for many mental health concerns, including depression. A healthy diet is similarly associated with improved mood and energy levels, while unhealthy foods may lower well-being. Healthy food also gives a person enough energy to engage in regular physical activity, which may be one of the most effective interventions for emotional stress a person can use.
How do you support someone emotionally?
Offering your presence is likely a great place to start. Many people struggling with difficult emotions withdraw and isolate themselves. Not only is withdrawal a symptom of emotional stress, but extended withdrawal can dramatically worsen challenging feelings and emotions. Offering to spend time with the person is likely to be helpful.
For added benefit, you might consider asking the person to join you in some form of moderate physical activity. Exercise is one of the best ways to reduce unpleasant feelings and increase overall well-being. Getting out into nature is also likely to be beneficial. Evidence suggests that time spent in nature can improve mental health substantially. Combining physical activity and time outdoors, like scheduling regular nature walks, could be an extremely helpful way to help someone find more positivity and hope.
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