What Are The Different Grief Stages, And Are They The Same For Everyone?

When you experience a loss, you might feel a range of emotions, from disbelief to sadness or even anger. These emotions can also change over time, which is why some psychologists choose to break the grieving process into different “stages.” Looking at grief this way may help us better understand our reactions to loss and act with self-care and self-compassion. So what do the different stages of grief look like? Does everyone experience them the same way? Let’s examine these topics more closely.  

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What is grief? 

Grief is a natural response usually associated with losing someone important to you, such as a friend, spouse, or family member. A loss like this can have a range of effects on your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. These symptoms tend to be most intense for the first several months after losing someone, and may include: 

• Intense sadness and emotional pain 
• Fatigue 
• Irritability 
• Headaches  
• Muscle pain 
• An upset stomach 
• Trouble focusing 
• Trouble remembering information 

Although grief is often associated with death, it is possible to experience grief for other reasons, too. For example, you might go through grief after a breakup or divorce, or after your children leave home for the first time. Some people may also experience grief while their loved one is still alive but ill and likely to die soon. This is called “anticipatory grief,” which can be a common response to a terminal illness or a loved one going into hospice care.  

An overview of the stages of grief 

Grief can be complex. Over the years, psychologists have proposed different ways of looking at the grieving process in an attempt to help us understand it better. One of the most well-known theories of grief was introduced in the 1960s by a psychologist named Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Kübler-Ross proposed that grieving people go through five different “stages” of grief, each with its own symptoms and behaviors. These original five stages of grief include: 

1. Denial. In the denial stage of grief, a grieving person may refuse to accept that their loved one is gone. They may lash out at people who tell them their loved one has died or refuse to acknowledge the death when they interact with others. According to an article published by Harvard Medical School, this response can be a defense mechanism against the initial shock of the loss.  
2. Anger. Once the reality of the situation has sunk in, a grieving person might begin to feel frustration or anger. They might feel angry at themselves for not having done “enough” for their loved one when they were alive, at their loved one for passing away, or at a higher power for causing the death to happen. As a result, they might seem short-tempered or irritable.  
3. Bargaining. At this point in the grieving process, a bereaved person might try to regain control of the situation by making deals with themselves, others, or a higher power. For example, they might promise to be a good person if their loved one is brought back to them. A person in the bargaining stage might also fixate on what they might have done differently to prevent the loss.  
4. Depression. During the depression stage of grief, feelings of intense sadness and hopelessness may occur. A grieving person might also experience other symptoms of clinical depression, such as: 

• • Low motivation 
  • Fatigue 
  • Changes in sleeping or eating patterns 
  • Trouble concentrating 
  • Feelings of guilt or worthlessness 

5. Acceptance. The acceptance stage of the grieving process is the point when the person is able to begin moving forward. They will likely still feel the pain of the loss but they have accepted the reality of it and are able to remember the person while finding a way to continue their life without them.  

However, these five stages aren’t the only way of looking at grief. Some people prefer to divide the grieving process into seven stages, which include: 

1. Shock and denial. The shock and denial stage involves feelings of disbelief or numbness, combined with a refusal to accept your loss.  
2. Pain and guilt. During the pain and guilt stage, you might feel intense emotional pain as well as guilt about your relationship with your loved one while they were alive. You might also feel guilty about going through the grieving process itself.  
3. Anger and bargaining. This stage of grief combines symptoms from the original anger and bargaining stages. During this period, you may experience anger, frustration, and desperation to change your situation.   
4. Depression. Like in the original five stages, the depression stage may include feelings of hopelessness, fatigue, sadness, or worthlessness.  
5. Upward turn. By this point in the grieving process, some of the most intense negative emotions, like anger or guilt, begin to wear off, although feelings of sadness may remain.  
6. Reconstruction and working through. The reconstruction stage is the point during the grieving process when you may begin to process what life will be like without your loved one.  
7. Acceptance and hope. During the last of the seven stages of grief, you may gradually begin to adjust to your new reality with the hope that you can be happy again in the future, even if you’re still mourning the loss.  

Does everyone go through the same grief stages? 

The five (or seven) stages of grief and other models can be useful tools for describing the grieving process and breaking down what it might look like. However, it’s important to note that everyone experiences grief differently.  

Some people may go through each stage in a sequence, while others might go through them in a different order. You might find yourself spending longer in one stage than another or even skipping certain stages entirely. Ultimately, grief is an individual journey, and there's no “right” or “wrong” way to experience grief.  

Getting support for the grieving process 

The symptoms of grief tend to resolve on their own with time and social support, whether from family members, support groups, or one’s community. However, sometimes grief can have more lasting effects. If you find yourself unable to move forward long after a loss, you may be experiencing a condition called prolonged grief disorder. Also known as “complicated grief,” prolonged grief disorder can make it difficult to function and resume your life after a loss. 

If you’re experiencing lasting challenges due to grief or would like extra support as you navigate the grieving process, you may benefit from counseling. Working with a therapist may be helpful for understanding grief, finding healthy ways of coping with the loss, and managing any mental health concerns like prolonged grief disorder or depression.  

Talking to a therapist about a loss can be highly personal, and finding a therapist you feel comfortable opening up to may be challenging. With online therapy, you can be matched with a licensed therapist based on your unique situation and preferences and change therapists whenever you like for no extra cost. This flexibility may make it easier to find a therapist who fits your needs.  

Studies suggest that online therapy may help people who are going through the grieving process. In 2020, researchers analyzed the results of seven different studies on online grief therapy. Their findings suggest that online cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) led to improvements in symptoms of grief.