When Is Grief The Worst? The Complicated Timeline Of Grieving

When you’re in the throes of grief after a significant loss, holding onto hope that the situation will improve can be a challenge. Some people going through the experience of grief or bereavement find themselves repeatedly wondering whether they’re through the worst of it yet or if there’s more significant pain ahead. 

Often, people experience their strongest grief responses within the first six months of their bereavement, though this period can extend up to two years for some. A small number of people may experience severe grief for much longer, potentially indicating a mental illness that could be alleviated with psychotherapy. Individual grief responses can be highly variable, and worrying too much about whether you’re following the “correct” timeline could get in the way of processing your grief. 

Common patterns of grief

Although grieving people are often eager for definitive answers about how the process will unfold, psychological researchers have repeatedly found that not everyone experiences bereavement in the same way. Certain reactions to loss are more common than others, but there are significant individual variations in long-term trajectories of grief. Frequent reactions after losing someone close to you or experiencing a major upheaval in life circumstances include, but are not limited to:

• Shock and disbelief
• Emotional numbness
• Sadness
• Anger
• Worry
• Recurring memories or dreams of the deceased, often accompanied by strong emotions
• Revisiting reminders of the deceased
• Disturbed sleep and appetite
• Diminished energy and motivation
• A sense of emptiness or lack of meaning
• Guilt

Some people experience recurring grief pangs — periods of intense grief-related feelings like sorrow, guilt, anger, or worry that typically last for 20 to 30 minutes at a time before fading. Alternating between feeling relatively normal and being struck by powerful waves of grief can seem like being on an “emotional roller coaster.” Instead of steadily decreasing in severity, your grief may appear to improve one day and worsen the next. This cycling can make it hard to know when “the worst” is over. 

When are grief pangs the worst?

Feelings of sorrow can strengthen and weaken from one moment to the next. Still, some people find that the intensity of grief pangs gradually diminishes over time while the amount of time between them increases. Though it may not be apparent when the transition occurs, you may eventually reach a point where your loss is no longer occupying your thoughts most of the time. 

Researchers investigating the typical course of grief concluded that the most substantial negative feelings most often occur around six months after the loss. However, this number is only a statistical average, and there may be many people for whom the peak experience of grief occurs significantly sooner or later. Some reports suggest that the most challenging grieving responses can persist for one to two years after bereavement.

What is prolonged grief? 

The estimated timelines given above describe a healthy or typical grieving process. However, for some people, the strong negative feelings experienced in the immediate aftermath of loss may persist for much longer. This persistence can cause significant impairment, making it difficult for the individuals affected to adjust to their bereavement and function effectively in their personal, social, and professional lives. 

Researchers estimate that around 7% to 10% of grieving individuals may experience prolonged grief disorder. This figure may be closer to 50% among people bereaved by sudden, unexpected, and violent events such as natural disasters or homicides. 

Potential events that incite intense grief

Predicting when your grief will be at its worst can be difficult. However, specific experiences and milestones may incite more powerful waves of challenging emotions, including but not limited to the following situations. 

When reality sinks in

In the hours and days immediately after you learn of a death or other significant loss, you may not experience the full force of grief because your mind has not yet adjusted to the change. Some people describe this early period as “dream-like,” reporting that their initial shock prevents them from experiencing the strongest pangs of grief.

After this early numbness wears off, you may begin feeling much stronger waves of sadness, confusion, anxiety, guilt, and other negative emotions associated with losing someone you care about. The length of time this process takes can vary from person to person but often occurs within a few days of death. 

When you’re alone

Some people say that they experienced their strongest grief after the funeral or memorial service when the family members who gathered to mourn the deceased went their separate ways. Other people may note a similar experience when a loved one with a terminal illness passes away and the doctors and other caregivers they’ve been working with for months or years abruptly depart. In some cases, the deepest pangs of grief can come when friends and loved ones stop asking, “How are you doing?” Social support can be a crucial resource for people experiencing grief. As such, moments when you believe you are alone can be especially painful. 

Anniversaries and milestones

Dates and times that were significant in your relationship with a deceased person may incite surges of grief. These dates can include birthdays, anniversaries, holidays you enjoyed together, or times of the year that the other person particularly loved. They may also include dates relevant to the person’s death, such as the anniversary of their death or the diagnosis of a terminal disease. 

You may feel stress and dread as these dates approach, as well as grief when they arrive. Planning small rituals of mourning or remembrance for these times may help you cope with the other person’s absence.

Unexpected reminders

Not all causes of grief are necessarily predictable. From time to time, you may be confronted by events or stimuli that unexpectedly remind you of your loved one, causing you to feel the pain of their loss once again. These may include: 

• Hearing a song they loved
• Thinking about a TV show you used to watch together
• Smelling a scent that you associate with them
• Encountering a mutual friend
• Visiting a place where you two had happy memories together
• Experiencing a funny situation that you wish you could tell them about
• Achieving a life goal that they encouraged you to pursue

Even when these reminders occur years after a person’s death, they may prompt surprisingly strong feelings of sorrow and yearning.

Moving forward with life

In some cases, the act of trying to put your life back together following a devastating loss may incite further mourning. For example, returning to work after bereavement leave, taking on tasks the other person used to handle, or clearing away their old possessions can spark a grief response. 

The dual-process model of grief describes these tasks as restoration-oriented coping activities. According to this theory, people in grief typically alternate between looking back and looking forward, going through repeated cycles of working through loss followed by moving ahead with the activities of a life without the other person. Completing a restoration-oriented task may be naturally followed by a period of reflection in which memories of the deceased resurface.

How to cope with the worst feelings of grief

You may be eager to move past the worst stages of your grief, but researchers believe that putting a firm timeline on the mourning process can be counterproductive. Instead of trying to force yourself through “stages” of grief (which aren’t supported by much evidence), you might be able to process your feelings more effectively if you acknowledge and accept them, giving yourself time to feel all the emotions that arise.

Spending time with others who understand your feelings can be another significant way to work through your grief. You might try talking with loved ones who knew the deceased and sharing memories and stories from their life. You may also benefit from participating in support groups to chat with other bereaved individuals.  

Some people find participating in hobbies, social events, and other activities that take the mind off grief helpful. While persistently avoiding your grief may be unhelpful, dwelling on thoughts and feelings constantly can be a risk factor for prolonged grief disorder. Trying to enjoy yourself while grieving a loss might feel uncomfortable initially but lead to improved mood in the long term. 

Professional support options 

If you’re experiencing symptoms of depression, anxiety, trauma, or prolonged grief or want someone to talk to about grief, you might consider seeking mental healthcare. Those having trouble finding local resources like a nearby grief counselor or support group may find online therapy a helpful alternative. Internet-based care platforms like BetterHelp may make finding a qualified therapist convenient.

Online therapy platforms allow clients to fill out their preferences when they sign up, allowing them to be matched with a therapist with experience treating similar challenges. In addition, these platforms are often more cost-effective for those going through difficult times when they may not have the financial means to pay for traditional therapy. 

Research is increasingly confirming that online mental health care for bereaved individuals can be highly effective. A controlled trial from 2024 reported that online cognitive-behavioral therapy produced strong reductions in symptoms of depression, post-traumatic stress, and prolonged grief.