Dealing With Guilt: Definition, Coping Mechanisms, And Prevention
Feeling guilt from time to time is a natural part of the human experience. It may help us live in ways that align with our values, alerting us when we fail to meet certain standards so we can do better in the future. However, guilt can also have more insidious effects, from being a mechanism of control employed by abusers to overcoming an individual unwarrantedly and affecting their daily life and mental health. If a sense of guilt arises frequently and is affecting you in a negative way, the information below may help you manage it.
Guilt can feel like a weight on your chest
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What is guilt?
Guilt is an emotional response to real or perceived mistakes—when you feel responsible for harm, wrongdoing, or another negative outcome. Guilty feelings may arise on their own or can surface as a result of the influence of others. It’s often accompanied by feelings of shame and isolation. It’s linked to morality and matters of conscience, but it’s also possible for it to become overwhelming and out of control, potentially harming the person experiencing it. In other words, how you deal with guilt can be an important factor for your mental health and well-being.
Guilt is often linked to other big emotions, such as sadness, anger, and fear. For instance, we might feel guilt over getting angry with a loved one. Or, we might feel guilty for being sad that a colleague got the big promotion we had hoped for. To put it another way, guilt is rarely experienced in a vacuum, free from other emotions, and it can usually be tied to at least one other emotional state.
Healthy guilt vs. unhealthy guilt
Some level of guilt can be healthy, potentially functioning as a means of helping us distinguish between right and wrong and live according to our values. If we’ve said something unkind to someone, for example, guilt might compel us to engage in self-reflection and then apologize. If we took credit for someone else's work, guilt could encourage us to go to our boss and make sure the right recipient gets recognized. While guilt can be a helpful tool in keeping ourselves accountable as in cases like these, it can also be toxic in some circumstances.
In manipulative or abusive relationships, unhealthy and unwarranted guilt can be leveraged by an individual as a tool to keep their target quiet and present instead of moving on to a healthier situation. For instance, a parent could guilt you into spending more time with them by regularly bringing up how lonely they are and how hard they worked to raise you. Or, an abusive romantic partner could guilt their significant other into staying in the relationship by highlighting how upset a breakup would make them. In these ways, guilt can be used as a means of steering or outright controlling the choices and behaviors of others and making the target feel worse.
If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Support is available 24/7.
It’s also possible for a healthy sense of guilt to transform into an unhealthy influence if it’s allowed to proliferate unchecked. An individual may experience emotional distress, low self-esteem, self-isolation, and difficulty functioning in cases like these, paralyzed by and feeling shame from their fear of not doing things perfectly or not doing enough. Unrealistic self-imposed expectations or expectations from others, the trait of perfectionism, anxiety disorders, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) may be linked to excessive and persistent guilty feelings and difficulty managing guilt.
Coping with guilt and guilty feelings
Effective mechanisms for coping with guilt depend on the reason for the guilt. First, even if it’s experienced rightfully to point you in the direction of your values, guilt can be an uncomfortable feeling to experience. Sitting with it can be a personal growth practice that may help you internalize any behavior changes you may want to make. Engaging in relaxation techniques may help you navigate the discomfort of this experience, such as deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation. Then, practicing self-forgiveness and self-acceptance and setting goals for choices you may want to make instead in the future could help you manage guilt and reduce the chances of making the same mistake again.
If you’re being made to feel guilt because of someone else’s manipulation, you might start by setting firm, clear boundaries with the person. Designating certain topics as off-limits when you’re together or setting boundaries on how much time you’ll spend together are two examples, though the type of boundary you set will depend on the situation. Remember that healthy boundaries aren’t meant to be a method of not taking responsibility for your own actions but a way to safeguard yourself from experiences you don’t want or that are unfair and harmful.
Those who experience excessive guilt as a result of perfectionism, an anxiety disorder, or OCD can often benefit from speaking with a therapist. A trained mental health care provider can use techniques like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to help you learn to recognize distorted thoughts that may be causing excessive guilt and shift them in a healthier direction. They can also discuss healthy coping mechanisms for distress tolerance when guilt is warranted and ways to set boundaries with themselves and others when it is not. They may also recommend medication and lifestyle changes for those expressing certain mental illnesses in some cases.
Working through guilt with a mental health professional
Healthy guilt makes accountability and personal responsibility possible in many cases. It may improve our relationships and impact on the world and ensure we’re living in line with our values. Toxic guilt can drive us in the other direction, pushing us toward shame and isolation. A therapist can help you find a middle ground between letting guilt help you live according to your moral code and letting it consume you and negatively affect your mental health and relationships. Even if you don’t have a diagnosable mental health disorder, getting professional support may be helpful as you work through your relationship with guilt or survivor guilt.
Finding a therapist in your area is not always easy. If you’re struggling to locate a provider near you or would simply prefer the convenience of engaging in sessions from home, you might consider online therapy as an alternative.
With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed therapist who you can meet with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from anywhere you have an internet connection. A growing body of peer-reviewed studies suggests that online therapy can be just as effective as traditional face-to-face therapy when it comes to addressing a wide variety of mental health conditions and concerns and making positive changes in one’s life.
Takeaway
In some cases, guilt can alert us that we’ve acted in a way that doesn’t align with our values. In other cases, it may be an unwarranted emotion imposed upon us by others or experienced in excess due to distorted thought patterns. Strategies for coping with guilt vary depending on the cause but can include things like setting boundaries, using relaxation techniques, and seeking support for distorted thoughts or mental health conditions.
How do you overcome feelings of guilt?
How you overcome feelings of unhealthy guilt may depend on the root cause of the guilt. If the guilt is coming from within, the first step may be acknowledging the guilt and allowing yourself to feel it. Then, try to identify the source.
If you’re dealing with external guilt, overcoming this negative feeling may be a little more challenging. In some cases, the person who is the source of your guilt may have control over your time or energy. In this case, you may need to set boundaries with loved ones or guard your time more carefully.
What is the coping mechanism for guilt?
Coping strategies for internal guilt may be acknowledging that guilt and spending some time identifying where it is coming from. For guilt that is coming from an outside source, you may need to put boundaries in place to safeguard your time and mental health.
How do you heal yourself from guilt?
Everyone feels guilty from time to time, but if you are experiencing toxic guilt and beating yourself up over small mistakes, it can dictate the decisions you make in your daily life. This type of guilt can be debilitating and may even lead to major depression. To heal, it can help to work with a therapist who can help you explore where this guilt is coming from and coping mechanisms to overcome it. Keep them up to date with your progress, and you may start to see improvement after a few sessions.
How do you accept feelings of guilt?
Learning the root of intense guilt can help you accept and manage it. To help you determine where your guilt is coming from, ask yourself some questions. What happened to make me feel guilty? What exactly do I feel guilty about? Did I really do something I shouldn’t have, or is that just how I’m perceiving it? Is someone else making me feel guilty? Once you are better able to understand what is causing your guilt, you may be able to accept it.
How do I let go of guilt and regret?
Overcoming guilt and regret can be challenging. To do so, it can be necessary to forgive yourself. Focus on self improvement. Try not to live in the past or dwell on your mistakes, and remind yourself that any mistakes that you have made don’t define you.
What is toxic guilt?
Sometimes, a little bit of guilt can have positive outcomes. On the other hand, toxic guilt is intense and disproportionate to the situation. It often involves self-punishment and self-blame and may be associated with high levels of perfectionism. Toxic guilt can be ongoing and persistent and can contribute to a negative self talk and significantly impact your well-being.
Where does guilt live in the body?
Everyone experiences guilt differently, so it can be challenging to pinpoint where people experience it. Symptoms of guilt can manifest anywhere in the body as it can affect people in a myriad of mental and emotional ways. Signs of guilt can include anxiety, nausea, headaches, depressed mood, trouble sleeping, facial flushing, emotional outbursts, appetite changes, or being unable to look someone in the eye.
What is the psychology of guilt?
The psychology of guilt may go back to Freud’s theories about the id, ego, and superego. Freud argued that shame and guilt were both connected to anxiety, with guilt being a particular type of anxiety.
What is the root emotion of guilt?
Guilt can be considered its own painful emotion, but it can be tied to self-consciousness, anxiety, depression, remorse, or regret.
How do you break the cycle of guilt?
How you break the cycle of constant feelings of guilt will depend on your situation. If your guilty feelings are internal, it can be helpful to try to forgive yourself, making amends for past mistakes. Have some self compassion, try to avoid self criticism, and remind yourself that these things don’t define you.
If your persistent guilt is external and being caused by someone else, setting boundaries in your everyday life can help. For example, you may need to limit the time you spend with certain family members or tell your boss that you are no longer willing to pick up extra hours.
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