Guilt And Resentment In Relationships

Guilt and resentment are two often-intertwined emotions. When they aren’t managed in a healthy way—especially in the context of romantic relationships—they may negatively influence mood and behavior and the health of a connection. Read on to learn more about what these two feelings are and how they may manifest, plus tips for managing them within a relationship.

Defining guilt and resentment

Guilt and resentment are often discussed together in the context of romantic relationships because they tend to coexist. For example, when one partner harms another, they may feel guilty. If the action and the harm and guilt it caused are not properly addressed, resentment may form. Here, we’ll define guilt and resentment and share some common signs that you may be feeling one or both of these emotions.

What is guilt?

Guilt is a self-conscious feeling that can make you feel bad when you realize or think (accurately or not) that you've harmed someone or otherwise acted contrary to your beliefs, values, or morals. Common causes of rational guilt in relationships include hurting one’s partner, infidelity, and dishonesty. Irrational guilt in relationships can occur when one partner feels like a burden, thinks they don’t do “enough” for their partner, mistakenly assumes a partner’s feelings or motivations, or worries they haven’t done anything meaningful. 

Being able to recognize when you’re experiencing a certain emotion is often the first step toward addressing it. Signs that you may be feeling guilty include:

• Being overly sensitive to the consequences of your actions, even when minor
• Putting your partner’s needs first to the extreme
• Showing unusually intense attention or affection to your partner because of guilty feelings
• Trouble falling or staying asleep
• Feeling overwhelmed by decision-making 
• Stomachache, headache, muscle tension, or other physical signs of stress
• Trouble concentrating
• Decreased self-esteem

What is resentment?

Resentment can be defined as a complex feeling related to unresolved anger, disappointment, or disgust, usually as the result of a behavior seen as unfair, insulting, or harmful. This emotion is often not just a matter of a single event but the result of unresolved feelings that have compounded over time. 

In romantic relationships, resentment can develop when one partner perceives that challenging situations or arguments have gone unresolved or that their feelings or needs have not adequately been acknowledged. As a result, repressed anger and negative emotions may build over time. These can eventually erode the foundation of the relationship because, when unaddressed, they often morph into contempt. According to the Gottman Institute, contempt is one of the “four horsemen of the apocalypse” in terms of relationships, meaning that its presence is often very serious for the future health of a connection.

Signs you may be feeling resentful include:

• Decreased empathy for your partner
• Often complaining about your partner to family and friends
• Persistent feelings of disappointment or disgust directed toward your partner
• Passive-aggressive words or actions
• An increase in sarcasm, hostility, or bitterness toward your partner
• Reduced frequency and satisfaction in terms of sex and physical intimacy
• Demonstrating more agitation toward your partner
• Longing for an escape from the relationship

How guilt and resentment can impact relationships

Either guilt or resentment on its own has the potential to negatively impact a relationship, particularly when it’s not managed in a healthy way. For example, a person who is prone to feeling irrational guilt even when it’s not warranted may end up seeking endless reassurance that they’ve done nothing wrong, which could cause resentment in their partner. Or, they may be unable to take accountability for their mistakes or accept constructive criticism, which could lead to conflict. Their self-esteem could also be affected over the long term. 

Or, a person could try to trigger feelings of guilt in their partner in an attempt to manipulate them into doing something, elicit sympathy, or avoid conflict—a conscious or subconscious tactic known as a guilt trip. Signs of a guilt trip from a partner could include:

• Continually bringing up past mistakes
• Reminding you of things they’ve done for you in the past
• Suggesting you “owe” them for something
• Using sarcastic comments about your efforts in the relationship
• Acting angry while denying problems
• The silent treatment
• Passive-aggressive behavior
• Using body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice to make their disapproval clear

Guilt trips are generally considered an unhealthy way of relating to another person in a relationship. They can decrease trust, lead to increased guilt in the other party, and be generally unproductive in terms of conflict resolution. Tips for those who are on the receiving end of a guilt trip can include explaining how you feel in response to this type of behavior and setting emotional boundaries around it, validating your partner’s feelings, and working toward compromise rather than letting yourself be coerced.

How resentment can impact relationships

Unmanaged resentment can also have negative effects. This feeling may drive a wedge between you and your partner and typically worsens over time if not addressed. It’s usually a sign of a significant underlying issue that’s preventing you from feeling seen or understood. If it’s not properly managed through open, honest communication and effort from both parties, it could lead to effects like:

• A negative view of your partner. Resentment can color the way you see this person, often leading you to focus on the negative and interact with them from a place of bitterness.
• A breakdown in communication. Feelings of resentment can affect your communication with your partner. They’re likely to sense it and feel unsafe communicating in an open and honest way with you as a result. This can make it even harder to resolve the core issue.
• Hiding things. Repression of feelings allows resentment to build. It may be the result of not feeling heard or being subject to disproportionately negative reactions when you’ve tried to express yourself in the past, which can lead you to hide things from your partner and increase the sense of distance from each other.
• More conflict. Repressed anger due to resentment can often lead to more frequent arguments and conflicts with your partner, as you may find yourself picking fights or reacting overly harshly as a result of these feelings.

The connection between guilt and resentment

Guilt and resentment can exist on their own, but they’re frequently interrelated—particularly in the context of romantic relationships. For example, someone whose partner makes them feel guilty for a mistake long after it happened and was discussed and resolved may find themselves feeling resentful at continually being “punished” for it. Or, someone who feels resentful of their partner for a reason they can’t identify might develop feelings of guilt as a result. These are just two examples of many different possible scenarios. 

The impact of guilt and resentment on relationships and emotional well-being

The longer guilt or resentment is left to fester and affect interactions with your partner, the more likely it is that one or both of you will establish maladaptive coping strategies and develop harmful patterns that grow stronger with time. As a result, your bond may weaken and your and/or their mental health may even be affected.

Managing guilt and resentment in relationships

Taking accountability for one’s actions, establishing open and truthful communication, acting with empathy, and practicing forgiveness are typically important components of managing guilt and resentment in relationships. The effects of these strategies can be powerful; as one study on resentment reports, forgiveness alone could potentially produce an “important set of benefits in people’s well-being from the physiological, cognitive, emotional, social, behavioral, and transformational” points of view. 

Sometimes, however, these are easier said than done. Especially once patterns of guilt and/or resentment have become deeply entrenched over time, it can be difficult to overcome them alone. That’s why many people turn to therapy in such cases. In individual therapy, you can work with a counselor to address any of your own harmful habits, past traumas, or areas for improvement that could be affecting your relationship. In couples therapy, you and your partner could work together with a trained provider to open the channels of communication and get at the root of the problem and then learn healthier ways of relating to each other.

Opening Up in Virtual Therapy

Some people find it easier to open up to a therapist about sensitive and personal relationship details in a virtual setting rather than in person. Consider a 2019 study, for example, where participants who engaged in video-based couples therapy reported feeling less judged, which in turn allowed them to share “more vulnerable thoughts and feelings” for improved therapeutic outcomes. Whether it’s due to personal comfort, scheduling, or provider availability, there are various reasons you might turn to the convenience of online therapy. 

Through an online platform like BetterHelp for individuals or ReGain for couples, you can get matched with a licensed therapist with whom who you can meet via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from anywhere you have an internet connection. Reputable sources like the American Psychological Association suggest that online therapy can be an equally effective format for receiving this type of support, so you can generally choose whichever works best for you and/or your partner.