Reasons You Might Be Resisting Happiness

Although many people desire to cultivate more happiness in their lives, we sometimes place barriers of our own making in the way of our happiness. While it may seem counterintuitive, there are many reasons why we may resist cultivating happiness. In this post, we’ll examine some of the most common ways we can self-sabotage our own happiness and what we can do to change those habits.

Why we resist cultivating happiness

Not knowing how to get it

Many of us may not know what we need to do to be happier, despite being convinced that there is a “right” way to make it happen. We may overload ourselves with content from self-help books, podcasts, and bloggers who claim to know the secret to finding happiness. While listening to other people’s ideas about happiness is not a bad thing in itself, it’s important to approach this path to happiness with caution — you won’t likely become a happier person by relying on other people’s descriptions of happiness.  

Consider the possibility that the only person who knows what makes you happy is you. If you are honest with yourself about what you need to be happier, you can devise a plan to make it reality. Remember, lasting happiness will not hinge on reaching a one-time goal, such as losing weight, meeting your soulmate, or getting a raise. Happiness is an emotion that comes and goes like all other emotions. Reaching a goal is also a fleeting moment. We may feel happiness more frequently by cultivating a mindset of gratitude and being appreciative of the daily moments that lift our mood. 

Fear of change

Some people may resist creating a happier life out of the fear that doing so will require making changes to their current lives. And change is often scary. Not knowing how we or our circumstances might evolve is often deterrent enough to keep us from seeking positive changes in the first place. Even if we are unhappy with our current situation, our minds recognize this baseline as normal. You may have to embrace the uncertainty of change as a trade-off for potential greater well-being. 

Lack of confidence

Another self-imposed barrier can arise when we tell ourselves that we lack the traits it takes to build a happy life. We may engage in a cycle of negative self-talk, telling ourselves that we are not brave, smart, or strong enough to make the necessary changes in our lives. This internal dialogue can become a self-fulfilling prophecy if it prevents us from even attempting to make positive changes. At its worst, a lack of confidence may lead us to believe that we must accept a less-than-fulfilling quality of life rather than work to improve it. 

Believing you do not deserve happiness

Some people hold beliefs, subconsciously or consciously, that reject the idea that they deserve happiness. These beliefs can stem from a sense of obligation to put others first, feelings of shame or guilt, or low self-worth. Enjoying happiness sometimes requires making yourself a priority, forgiving yourself for past events, and reminding yourself of the reasons why you are worthy of feeling happy. 

Thinking it is too much work

If increasing the happiness in your life requires change, it may take hard work to make those changes. It requires effort, for example, to replace negative self-talk with compassionate self-talk. It may take even more work to improve our external circumstances. Making these changes may seem so overwhelming that we may choose instead to adapt to our current circumstances, even if they are not ideal. Cultivating happiness is often a process that requires a lot of “doing,” including potentially making choices outside of your comfort zone and taking concrete steps to change habits. 

Only thinking of the end goal

The belief that happiness requires reaching an end goal is an example of a happiness trap: a limiting belief about happiness. Western culture tends to reinforce this limiting belief through some of its most common story narratives. A character living a ho-hum life finds happiness when they meet “the One” and fall in love. An athlete endures grueling training for years and finally celebrates a single moment of triumph in the last scene. Stories like these reinforce the mindset that associates happiness with some end goal or achievement.  

How comparing ourselves to others leads to resisting happiness

Many of us resist cultivating happiness because we constantly compare ourselves to others. When we measure our happiness against someone else's success or achievements, it becomes easy to feel inadequate or unworthy, preventing us from pursuing our path to joy.

Defining happiness in a way that doesn’t suit us

Sometimes the version of happiness we are striving to emulate is not of our own definition. We may fall victim to the belief that having a bigger house, faster car, or better job leads to greater happiness. It may be difficult to accept that what makes us uniquely happy may not necessarily line up with other people’s expectations. 

Part of creating a happier life is finding how to live your truth. If you feel unhappy as you pursue a goal that promises greater happiness, you may benefit from reflecting on whether that goal is truly your own, or whether you are pursuing someone else’s idea of happiness. 

Other barriers to happiness

Many of us unintentionally create self-imposed barriers to happiness. Sometimes, however, struggling to feel happy can stem from mental health issues such as depression or anxiety. A common symptom of depression, for example, is the inability to enjoy the activities that once brought you pleasure. Depression can also cause physical fatigue and a sense of apathy, which can diminish one’s ability to feel concern for their well-being.   

The benefits of online therapy for cultivating happiness

If you believe that you are struggling to feel happy, you may benefit from seeking online support from a counselor. A therapist may help you explore any self-limiting beliefs or behaviors you may have that are holding you back from thriving. Online therapy has been found to be effective at treating mental health issues that may interfere with our ability to feel happiness. For example, a 2019 study published in the National Library of Medicine surveyed 318 users of BetterHelp, an online therapy provider. After three months of therapy, the subjects reported a significant decrease in depression symptom severity after three months of therapy on the platform. 

Online platforms such as BetterHelp can match you with a licensed therapist within 48 hours, which may be attractive to people who are eager to begin making life changes. One common misconception about therapy is that it should be reserved for people in crisis. However, therapy can be beneficial for anyone seeking guidance about how to live a happier, healthier life.