Finding Solace In Grief: How To Deal With The Loss Of A Spouse

Whether it's sudden or due to a prolonged condition, losing a spouse can be uniquely challenging because of the sometimes mixed and unpredictable emotions that people often experience. LossIt typically changes every aspect of an individual's life— from day-to-day decisions to planning for the bigger picture. 

It's completely normal to feel overwhelmed during this time and, perhaps, worried about what the future holds. Although recovery might seem like an impossible feat right now, you canit's critical to find ways of coping that work for you and to help care for yourself during this difficult time. Here are some suggestions for dealing with your loss right now so you may move forward and rebuild with time. 

You don't have to cope with your loss alone

Grief- focused therapy can help

Honor your emotions

From shock to panic to numbness, the loss of a spouse often comes with a whirlwind of emotions. Grieving is a natural process, and everyone experiences it differently, so give yourself permission to feel and express it. 

Grief specialists use a variety of tools to assist people in preparing for and coping with death and dying. For example, the Kubler-Ross theoretical model of bereavement attempts to provide a framework for the stages of grief and the types of emotions one may encounter while grieving. It features five stages:

Denial

During the initial phases of loss, it might be difficult for the surviving spouse to accept or face the reality of the situation. We may know the truth in a cognitive sense, but denial may serve as a kind of unconscious defense mechanism defending us from the pain. 

Anger

Anger sometimes arises when denial no longer serves its purpose, sometimes accompanied by blame. People who have lost a loved one might be angry with themselves, a higher power, or their family. They may even blame their deceased loved one. 

Bargaining

Bargaining or negotiating to gain some perceived level of control over grief is another stage that some people experience. People in this stage might experience thoughts of regret like "I wish I had spent more time with my spouse while they were still here," or affirmations of change like "I'm going to run a marathon— my spouse loved to run and would be proud of my accomplishment." 

Depression

Perhaps the most typical, the depression stage of grief features symptoms like sadness, numbness or anhedonia, loss of appetite, frequent crying, difficulty concentrating, and others. It can also be the most painful stage for some and often requires support from a professional to navigate. 

Acceptance

While individuals in this phase may not experience happiness, per se, they might come to terms with the reality of the situation. Accepting that one can't control what has happened can allow one to look forward and heal. 

There are several subsequent models that attempt to outline the stages of grief, and the Kubler-Ross model has been significantly debated, with many professionals arguing it "lacks empirical evidence, conceptual clarity, or explanatory potential." 

Regardless, it's vital to accept your emotions as they arise on your unique journey and give yourself space to experience them on your terms. For some, structured models of grief might be constructive for navigating the pain. For others, it might give the impression that grief is something that needs to be "fixed" or eliminated. This can be frustrating for a person whose grief might never go away entirely. 

No matter the circumstances, with support, grief can provide meaning and purpose in our lives—changing us so we might move forward healthily.

Give yourself time to grieve in your own way

Everyone expresses and copes with the death of a spouse differently; what comforts one person may not help another. This is why it's vital to take as much time as you need to learn how to process grief in a way that's appropriate for you. 

Some people use creative outlets like writing, art, music, or creative movement as healthy ways to express emotions associated with grief. Others might establish rituals or create memorials in honor of their spouse to remember and celebrate their life. This could involve creating a scrapbook, planting a tree, or participating in activities that hold special meaning.

If you don't feel like doing anything, it's also completely okay to do nothing. If you'd like an outlet but don't know what to do, introspective activities like journaling and meditation can offer perspective and provide insight into what might help you process the grief. 

Accept help from the people around you

When one has lost a spouse, it's natural for their loved ones to feel eager to help. If this is the case for you, allow friends, family members, and others in your support system to assist you in whatever way you feel comfortable. Also, do not be afraid to ask for help even if it is not offered. Many people may wish to help but be unsure if it is wanted or not know how to help you, so letting them know can allow them to support you better. 

If you need emotional support, discussing your feelings with others can provide comfort and reassurance that you're not alone. Some people find that simply having another person around can reduce loneliness and isolation. 

People who've lost a spouse may also be overwhelmed when handling daily tasks and practical things as only one person. For example, they might need help with legal and financial paperwork. Changes to insurance policies, bills, power of attorney, and consolidating joint property can be draining when accompanied by the emotional turmoil associated with grief. 

Daily tasks like caring for your home, grocery shopping, and running errands can also seem overwhelming. When you're ready, you might also need help organizing your spouse's belongings. Assistance from your loved ones can make this process less painful and provide an opportunity for bonding over your common  memories. 

Remember, people might not always know what you need, so communicate your needs. Whether it's assistance with daily tasks or just needing someone to talk to, allowing trusted friends and family to help you with such matters may give you the time and space you need to grieve fully. 

When you're ready, try to stay active

Keeping busy isn't a substitute for proper healing. That often comes with ample time, patience, and deep emotional processing. However, while it won't change what has happened, some people may find that mindful activity can be therapeutic and helpful in regaining a little bit of the normalcy they had before their spouse passed away. 

People choose to engage with the world in unique ways after losing a loved one. Some people find caring for a pet to be a great source of joy and fulfillment; others may wish to travel. Whether scheduling a regular day to volunteer with a cause you care about, taking a class, gardening, or going out with friends, do what feels right for you

Practice self-care while experiencing the emotions of grieving

Research shows that grieving can alter brain functions, impacting our emotional, physical, and cognitive well-being. This is why taking good care of all aspects of your health during the recovery process is crucial. Here are some suggestions:

• Whether you hike, walk in the park, or sit and read a book in the backyard, spending time in nature can be excellent for your mental health.
• Eat nourishing, comforting meals. Loss of appetite is a common symptom of mourning, but good nutrition is still critical for your physical health. 
• While sleep disruptions are also common, practice good sleep hygiene to try and get as much quality rest as possible. 
• Do things you're good at. For example, if you're a skilled cook, prepare a meal for your friends (or just yourself). If you're good at DIY projects, offer to help fix your neighbor's fence or repaint a loved one's bedroom. Helping wherever you're needed can go a long way toward boosting your self-esteem and, in turn, the healing process.
• Comfort yourself with sensory experiences. For example, take a soothing bath, listen to relaxing music, light some aromatherapy candles, or sip a cup of tea with a good book and your favorite blanket. 
• Move your body in ways that make you feel good. Some people feel invigorated by intense exercise, while others prefer gentle stretching, yoga, or tai chi. Whatever you choose, regular exercise is essential for good health.  
• Accept support from friends, family members, or people from your spiritual/religious community.

Seek guidance from a counselor or support group

Regardless of where you are in the grieving process, there are many resources available for people grieving the loss of a loved one. For example, you may seek help from an online or community support group, spiritual counseling, or an individual therapist specializing in grief recovery.  

Complicated grief and bereavement

Some people may find it particularly challenging to cope with the loss of a spouse. This is sometimes referred to as complicated grief. People experiencing complicated grief might be incapable of comprehending and processing their loss and have marked trouble functioning in their own lives. They often have more severe, prolonged negative emotions and cannot find purpose or meaning in life.

You don't have to cope with your loss alone

Grief- focused therapy can help

Complicated grief often requires guidance from a mental health professional in order to overcome and heal from your grief. While complicated grief can be crippling, with severe consequences when left unaddressed. If you feel like you may be experiencing complicated grief, it's critical to reach out to a grief counselor for help. 

Because of its availability, convenience, and affordability, many find online therapy best fits them. Platforms like BetterHelp match individuals with licensed counselors experienced in treating grief and loss from the comfort of home. You can speak to a therapist via video and online chat when it's convenient for your schedule, and unlike traditional therapy, there's no commuting to and from appointments. 

Online therapy is often more affordable than traditional therapy without insurance. Studies indicate it's also just as effective for treating complicated grief after bereavement. 

If you're grieving the loss of a spouse, therapy with BetterHelp can help you cope and move forward— one day at a time.