Effective Ways How To Deal With Controlling People
Having a relationship with a person who has controlling tendencies can be challenging, whether they’re your significant other or your coworker. It can be helpful to understand that controlling tendencies usually stem from anxiety and other mental health challenges. Earning the trust of the controlling people in your life and anticipating their needs when reasonable can be helpful. You may also wish to speak with a licensed therapist through an online therapy platform for more personalized guidance.
5 Tips on how to deal with controlling people
The following are the tips on how to outsmart controlling people:
Tip 1: Understand where control issues may come from
The need to control others often stems from deep-seated issues related to a loss of control at some earlier point in life. This lack of control can create anxiety-related compulsions. Knowing the reasons behind an individual's behavior may not resolve their issues, but it can help you handle your own reactions appropriately.
Those with anxiety-related control issues are often perceived as people who “have it all under control.” That is the persona they may embody and work very hard for the world to see. They may have learned that the best way to fend off anxiety can be to depend only on themselves. If they want a job done, and done right, they may believe they must do it alone, so they may always look like they're on top of things. Inside, however, they might be anything but calm, cool, and collected. In fact, they're likely a ball of nerves just waiting for the other shoe to drop or for all their plans to fall apart.
Tip 2: Familiarize yourself with other motives for controlling behavior
Understanding the motives behind the perceived annoying and possibly demeaning actions, words, and attitude of a person with a controlling personality can be essential. If the controlling person is your boss, they may be experiencing anxiety or a similar mental health challenge. They may be coping with that anxiety by attempting to control every detail of certain projects or micromanaging their employees. That degree of control may have led them to find success in work previously, potentially reinforcing this type of behavior. If you work on understanding the source of the controlling behavior, it may lessen your negative reactions toward the controlling person.
Sometimes, a person with a controlling personality may not have experienced organization or structure during their childhood, and they may now feel compelled to make up for that prior deficit. Other times, they may have experienced a loss that they felt could have been avoidable and may now be trying to ensure they never go through the same situation again. They might do this by trying to exercise control to the point that it can be overwhelming for you. If you know that the individual is behaving this way because they are overestimating a threat or compulsively attempting to avoid a painful trauma, then it may be easier for you to interact with them in a positive manner.
If you are experiencing trauma, support is available. Please see our Get Help Now page for more resources.
Tip 3: Look at the need behind the behavior
If you're struggling with a controlling boss or a co-worker, you might try to isolate the behavior from the need. Ask yourself what is it that needs to be done and how you can reassure the controlling person that it will happen. If your boss gives you an assignment and hovers over you as you attempt to complete it, you might tell them that you understand the importance of the assignment. You may then restate your understanding of the deadline and the objective.
It can be helpful to remember that the need for control is often related to anxiety. By restating and clarifying your understanding of the objective, the deadline, and your desire to deliver a quality product in a timely manner, you can help alleviate their anxiety. This may help them lighten up, but you may have to do this several times before their controlling behavior is redirected elsewhere.
Tip 4: Earn trust
There are often many aspects of a job that require responsibility. If your boss or coworker sees that you are taking a task seriously, then they may realize they don't necessarily have to monitor you. By demonstrating that you can be relied upon consistently, you may earn the trust of your boss or other controlling coworkers. Often, it can be hard for a controlling individual to trust others because they may feel as though they are the only person who can complete a task the correct way. In a work environment, this can mean the controlling person micromanages employees instead of delegating tasks to others, potentially leading to inefficiencies and strained relationships with coworkers.
The same can be true for a controlling significant other. It may be difficult for your partner to open up in a romantic relationship if they have a controlling personality. If they ask you for a reasonable favor, such as picking up something from the grocery store, being reliable may help you earn their trust. That reliability, in turn, may alleviate their anxiety. This does not necessarily pertain to unreasonable tasks, such as predicting your significant other's arbitrary needs, but if you show your partner that you can fulfill their needs without being controlled, that can go a long way toward fostering a healthy relationship.
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Tip 5: Anticipate the need
It may seem like a great deal of responsibility falls on your shoulders if you have a relationship with someone who has control issues. Even so, it can be important to recognize and be compassionate toward the controlling person. You may not be able to change that person, but you can change your reactions. You can anticipate their behavior and be proactive.
Individuals with anxiety and control challenges can be fairly predictable or ritualistic in their behavior and reactions. If we can react to their controlling behaviors with compassion rather than with frustration, then we may manage the situation appropriately.
Predicting a controlling person's behavior might mean understanding that their weekly "Friday deadline" can be stressful to them. However, being expected to “read someone’s mind” can be quite different. For example, having to know that your boss takes two sugars and one cream in their coffee without them ever telling you generally isn’t fair to you. Reacting to this type of unhealthy behavior can require a calm and assertive response.
Online therapy can help
If you experience anxiety and fear of losing control, this may impact your personal and professional relationships. Conversely, you might be struggling with a controlling person in your life. There is help available, and often just talking to someone about what you’re going through can be beneficial.
A growing body of research has shown that online therapy can address many of the issues stemming from control-seeking thoughts and behaviors. One study, published in Current Opinion in Psychiatry, found that online therapy can be a useful method of treating symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), including control issues. A particularly effective mode of online therapy when helping manage symptoms of OCD can be cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). Cognitive-behavioral therapy generally works by reframing negative thought patterns, so that situations that may otherwise lead to controlling behavior or thoughts can become less triggering.
Online therapy platforms are often considered a more convenient option for therapy due to the elimination of many common barriers, such as geography, cost, and stigma. The ability to get the professional help you deserve from the comfort of your home can be very empowering.
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Takeaway
How to deal with controlling people effectively?
There are multiple strategies for dealing with controlling people. Here are a few tips:
- Understand where their control issues are coming from. In many cases, a person’s need for control may stem from a loss of control they experienced earlier in life. Knowing why someone is behaving as they are may not change the behavior, but it can help you manage your reactions more appropriately.
- Try to separate the behavior from the need. If someone is being controlling, ask yourself what it is that they need accomplished and how you can reassure them that it will get done. For example, if your boss gives you an assignment and tries to micromanage you while you complete it, you might tell them that you understand how important the assignment is and reinforce that you are confident about what is being asked of you and meeting your deadline.
- Be consistent to earn their trust. If your boss sees you take your work seriously, they may relax. Remember, controlling behaviors are often the result of anxiety and showing that you can be trusted to do good work and meet deadlines.
- Stay calm, but be assertive. When dealing with a controlling person, the only thing you can really control is how you respond to them. In some cases, people who are controlling can be predictable. You may be able to anticipate their behavior and be proactive. Responding with kindness and compassion helps them calm down and alleviate the behavior. It can also be important to be firm. While you can anticipate some behaviors, you cannot read their mind. Be honest with them when they are expecting too much from you.
Note that this advice is for someone who may be controlling as a result of stress, particularly someone in a management or supervisory position. While the examples above may be effective for a controlling boss or coworker, they may not be effective with someone who has a mental illness that is contributing to their controlling nature, like narcissistic personality disorder.
If you have a controlling partner who continues to ignore your personal boundaries or if you have experienced physical violence or recognized signs of abuse in your relationship, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for support.
How can I stop being so controlling?
It can help to remember that a need for control often stems from anxiety, stress, or other mental health challenges. To be less controlling, focus on identifying your underlying triggers or stressors. What feelings are you having when you are being controlling? Are you anxious? Vulnerable? Do you feel afraid of rejection? Learning to pinpoint what your emotional triggers are can give you some insight into your behaviors.
Try to let go of what you can’t control. Ultimately, the only thing you can control is your feelings and actions. You can’t control external factors, and you can’t control other people. Learn to accept yourself as you are and the people around you as they are. Holding everyone to impossibly high standards can only lead to stress.
Practicing relaxation techniques, such as yoga, meditation, breathing exercises, and progressive muscle relaxation, can help you better manage stress and may help you let go of controlling behaviors.
If you are having a difficult time letting go of controlling behavior, consider working with a mental health professional to help you identify the sources of your own anxiety and how to improve self-awareness to manage these behaviors.
Why do people control others?
People can be controlling for a number of reasons, including anxiety and insecurity. For example, a helicopter parent may assert control by restricting their children's activities because they fear they will get hurt or completing their homework because they fear that they will not succeed.
While you may understand why someone is controlling, that does not mean this behavior is acceptable. If you are in a relationship with someone who tries to maintain control over your life and prevents you from making decisions on your own, consider working with a therapist. You can go together and work to balance the power struggle in your relationship, or you can go to individual treatment and learn more about setting boundaries and getting the respect you deserve from your relationship.
What is the personality of a controlling person?
Someone who is controlling may blame other people when something goes wrong or deliver constant criticism about the thoughts and behavior of their friends and family members. Some controlling people may constantly be attempting to change people, making demands and ignoring boundaries. They may be angry, anxious, fearful, or jealous and use these emotions to excuse their behavior.
How to frustrate a manipulator?
Many things can frustrate a manipulator. Controlling people love to see others give in to their demands, so any resistance may lead to frustration.
Depending on the situation, it may not be in your best interest not to frustrate a manipulator. For example, if they are likely to make threats or resort to violence if you push back. In some cases, it may be beneficial to stay cool, prioritize self-care, surround yourself with supportive people, and seek support from a therapist. If you need help escaping an abusive situation or are looking for support, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
How to frustrate a controlling person?
A controlling person is likely to be frustrated when things aren’t going their way or their motives are questioned. People who are controlling may have underlying feelings of fear or low self-esteem, and they may get angry or frustrated when people don’t follow their advice.
How do you stop people from controlling?
The first step to stop people from being controlling may be to set and maintain boundaries. While you may spend time trying to support them and help them address the underlying cause of their controlling behavior, ultimately, it is their responsibility to change their behavior. You should not feel guilty about maintaining boundaries that are there to improve your well-being.
What personality disorder is extremely controlling?
Borderline, narcissistic, and obsessive-compulsive personality disorders can cause someone to be controlling.
How to outsmart control freaks?
First, it can be helpful to remind yourself of the reality of the situation. People who are controlling generally have something driving their need for control, like low self-esteem, anxiety, or fear. Knowing that there are factors underlying their behavior can matter significantly because there may not be a way you can outsmart them to change their behavior. Setting and maintaining clear boundaries can effectively ensure that their controlling behavior does not impact your well-being.
What does a controlling person want?
People who are controlling can have different motivations, but generally, they may be trying to control the world around them because they are scared, anxious, or have low self-esteem.
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