How Not To Care When You Don't Get What You Want
Losing or failing to get something you want can be a painful and frustrating experience. Because it can be easy to build up expectations for how things should be, disappointment is often an inevitable part of being human. You may be struggling not to care after experiencing disappointment, which is common. When circumstances make it impossible for you to have what you desire, it can be important to learn how to put setbacks in the past and move on to enjoy what is yours to have.
How not to care about what you don't have and enjoy what you have
You may find that you experience more disappointment when you spend more time thinking about what you lack rather than enjoying what you have. To combat these feelings, consider starting a list of the things you've desired and then received in the past. Additionally, you might try to notice the positive things you have in your life right now.
Practice gratitude to stop caring about what you lack
You might have a tendency to focus on what is shiny and new rather than remembering what you already have. Taking a step back and practicing gratitude may help you appreciate the things in your life that bring you joy and contentment. In some cases, you may stop caring that you didn’t get what you wanted because you realize you already have what you need.
Focus on something new
When you're denied something that you want very much, it can be natural to focus on it, whether it’s an item, activity, or person. You might even be consumed by thoughts of the object of your desire. However, this behavior isn't always helpful and can even turn unhealthy. Instead, it might be more effective to turn your attention to something different. The next time you’re after something you desire, consider whether it's something you have the power to obtain or something that may only frustrate you again. You might try to aim for practical goals rather than those that are unlikely to be fulfilled.
Set practical goals for yourself
Life can still move on even when you don’t get what you initially wanted. If what you missed out on was some type of opportunity, consider focusing on capitalizing on the next one that becomes available. Remaining vigilant in life and moving on to the next goal rather than dwelling on the past may keep you healthier and mentally stronger.
Caring through hobbies
Hobbies can be a helpful distraction during times of disappointment. Whenever you’re feeling bothered by something that didn’t come to fruition, consider throwing yourself into a hobby that you enjoy. This may allow you to focus less on whatever it is that’s frustrating you. There are many different activities you can choose from, depending on your interests.
Engage in activities you love
A hobby can be something as simple as playing a game, but you could also take up something like crocheting, woodworking, or any number of other things.
Exercise
Exercising can be an effective way to help yourself feel better about losing out on something important. Spending some time working on your physical fitness may improve both your physical and mental health. Doing something positive for your body may allow you to develop a healthier mindset and move on from disappointment faster.
Boost your mood with physical activity
Exercise can also be a useful way to boost your mood by distraction when you need to get your mind off of something.
Spend time with friends
Reconnect and build new relationships
You can also try to meet new people if you feel that new connections could occupy your thoughts even more effectively. That thing you initially wanted may soon seem far less important when you have a circle of friends to be there for you. At the very least, your troubles might not feel quite as big as they seemed before.
Think about what matters most to you
Everyone has different priorities in life, and we each find contentment through different means. By considering the things that matter most to you, you may be able to determine your next steps toward moving on from whatever has disappointed you. For example, if what you treasure most in life are the people you love, thinking about them may make it easier to move past the loss of a material item. While your friends and family cannot be replaced, your possessions often can be.
How not to care: Focus on your core values
Spending some time focusing on what truly matters to you may spur you to take action. You might call a loved one and invite them to dinner if you have not seen them in a while, or you might spend some time with your significant other and create fun new memories. Experiences may be more valuable to you than possessions, and you might find contentment in taking the time to enjoy things in life that money cannot buy. By focusing on what truly matters, you can let go of unnecessary worries.
Volunteer to help others
Spending time with those who may not have what they need may help you move past situations in which you don’t get what you want. Volunteering at a homeless shelter or a food pantry may help you gain a different perspective that helps you appreciate what really matters. For example, a newer, bigger house might not seem as important when you see others who may not have a home at all. It’s common to desire new things, but understanding how fortunate you are to have the necessities in life can be an eye-opening experience.
Online therapy with BetterHelp
Do you still find it hard to put your unresolved desires in the past? Sometimes, when you've wanted something for a long time, it can be hard to let it go and move on. If you’re still experiencing disappointment, a mental health professional might be able to help you find new ways to manage those strong desires.
Benefits of seeking online support
BetterHelp is an online counseling platform that can connect you with a licensed therapist. With BetterHelp, you can participate in therapy from the comfort of your home, without having to go to an office or discuss your treatment plan with anyone but your therapist. You can connect with your therapist via audio or videoconferencing at a time that works for you.
The effectiveness of online therapy
Research shows that online therapy can be a powerful tool when addressing complicated feelings, such as a lack of fulfillment or dissatisfaction from not getting what you want. In a study published in Behaviour Research and Therapy, a peer-reviewed scientific journal, researchers found that an online treatment program was effective for depression. Participants reported a decrease in symptoms related to depression and an increase in quality of life and self-esteem. The report specifically notes the ability of online therapy to bridge the treatment gap. Online therapy closes this gap in treatment by eliminating certain barriers, such as time and geographical constraints, perceived stigma, and financial burden.
Takeaway
What happens when you don't get what you want?
Not getting what you want means your brain’s feel-good hormones aren’t released, leading to unpleasant sensations and emotions. At that point, you probably need to accept that you aren’t going to get what you want or choose to redouble your efforts and find another strategy to get what you desire.
If you choose to continue pursuing your goal, you can work on strategies or solutions to get you what you want. However, if what you want is firmly beyond your reach, you can focus on overcoming your negativity bias to start alleviating the unpleasantness of disappointment. Most humans find it more challenging to disengage from negative thoughts than positive ones, and that negativity bias may make it hard to let go of not getting what you want.
One of the best ways to get over what you don’t have is to be grateful for what you do have. One tried-and-true method to focus on the positive is by practicing gratitude. Engaging in deliberate appreciation and gratitude for the positive things in your life will likely increase your overall well-being and make it easier for you to move on.
You may wish to consider starting a gratitude journal, in which you write down things you are grateful for as they occur. When you feel like you don’t get your way or that life is unfair, you can go back to your journal for reminders about positive things.
Why am I not getting what I want?
While the reasons a person doesn't get what they want will differ based on the circumstance, there are a few broad things you may wish to consider regarding why you don’t feel like you’re getting what you deserve:
- You didn’t ask for it. It can sometimes feel like life should provide natural rewards; if you do the right thing, you should get what you want. However, sometimes you might not get what you want because you didn’t make it known that you wanted it, regardless of how much you deserved it.
- You lacked motivation. Sometimes, it can feel like you want something, but other priorities demand your attention. In that case, you likely wanted to manage those other priorities more. For example, you may want a new motorcycle, but paying the mortgage continually takes priority. In that case, you likely want to stay housed more than you want a motorcycle.
- You have self-defeating thought processes. Even if you want something, it can be easy for people to talk themselves out of what it takes to get it. You might be coming up with justifications or rationalizations for why you shouldn’t pursue what you want, no matter how badly you want it.
How do you decide what you want?
Deciding what you want likely means engaging in critical self-analysis. You’ll likely need to spend time weighing the wants and needs in your life. It can sometimes be challenging to figure out what you actually want. Human beings are constantly influenced by those around them, and those influences affect what they want and what they don’t.
It is worth critically examining your wants and desires to determine where the desire is coming from. If you only want something because other people want it, often material possessions or status, it may be worth considering whether your values align with what you think you want. If you find that jealousy, envy, or other negative thoughts are guiding your decision process, it is likely worthwhile to accept the negativity without letting it guide your decisions. It is often much easier to overcome negative emotions than to achieve pursuits simply because others do.
Why do people not get what they want in life?
People may not get what they want in life for various reasons. One reason is simply random chance; sometimes people are lucky, other times they are not. Much of life is random, and everyone usually does what they can to put the odds in their favor, but there are rarely any guarantees.
A person may also be experiencing barriers to attaining their goals and getting what they want. For example, those raised in or currently experiencing poverty face many institutional and societal hurdles to success and may struggle to get what they want on par with their more affluent peers. They may also be faced with limited options and resources, forcing necessities to take priority over desires.
People can also face internal barriers. Mental conditions like major depression can significantly impair motivation, making getting what they want even more challenging. A person may also struggle to self-advocate or assert themselves when necessary, making it easy for others to ignore their desires.
Do we always get what we want in life?
No one always gets what they want in life. Even the most affluent people with the greatest number of resources face struggle and disappointment. Managing expectations is an important part of staying happy in life because no person has their desires met 100% of the time.
How do you deal with not wanting to do something?
Doing things you don’t want to do usually comes down to finding the right motivation. You may wish to consider what factors motivate you and whether or not they are sufficient to bring you across the finish line. While doing the things you don’t want to do will vary based on what task you need to accomplish, experts recommend a few basic steps to help increase your chances of success.
- Increase positivity. Negative thought processes inhibit motivation and productivity, adding an additional barrier you need to overcome to accomplish your goals. Increasing your optimism may help you do the things you don’t want to do.
- Reward yourself. Rewards help your brain stay motivated to finish a task. If you’re struggling to do something, you may want to consider breaking the task into smaller pieces and giving yourself a small reward as you finish each step.
- Leverage peer pressure. Humans respond to the actions of those around them. Consider surrounding yourself with people who are motivated and productive. You’ll likely find it easier to complete your tasks in a highly motivated environment.
How do you deal with not getting your way?
One of the best ways to deal with not getting your way is to practice acceptance. Rationally accepting that you will not get what you want is often the first step to moving on from it. According to research, one of the best ways to practice acceptance is through cognitive defusion. Cognitive defusion separates thoughts from feelings and helps you let thoughts come and go without holding on to them. Cognitive defusion may help you manage unpleasant feelings and negative thoughts if you don't get your way.
Below are a few basic cognitive defusion strategies:
- Try using an external voice when analyzing your thoughts. For example, instead of saying, “I cannot complete this task.” you can say, “I’m having the thought that I will not complete the task.” This simple change introduces some cognitive distance between you and your thoughts.
- Say your negative thoughts to yourself in slow motion. Changing the cadence of your thought process can remove some of the power your thoughts hold.
- Carry a stack of notecards on which you can write negative thoughts. Literally carrying your thoughts with you may make it easier to see them as separate from yourself.
How do you get everything you want in life?
Nobody can get everything they want in life, but accepting the things you cannot change is possible. If you don’t get something that you want, try following the steps below to manage the associated unpleasant feelings and thoughts:
- Focus on the present. Not getting what you want may create fears of the future or bring up regrets from the past. Take time to deliberately focus on what is happening now rather than guessing the future or “shoulding” the past.
- Don’t fight your feelings. The negativity associated with not getting what you want can cause some unpleasant feelings. Take time to accept those negative emotions without ruminating on them. It’s okay to feel bad, but don’t extend your suffering by wallowing.
- Focus on your positives. In some cases, not getting what you want can be a blow to confidence or self-esteem. Make sure you remind yourself of your strengths and that no matter how hard anyone tries, they can never have everything they want in life.
What are the things that you don't need in life?
You may wish to consider avoiding the things that cause you unhappiness and undue stress. Human beings are susceptible to influence from the world around them, making them want things they don’t need. Money, power, and status are common things that people strive for, but their motivations may be suspect. Take time to figure out what really matters to you in life, and check if your goals align. If you’re motivated by jealousy, envy, or a desire to best others, it may be worth considering that you are adding extra stress or anxiety into your life.
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