How To Ask For What You Want: 8 Tips For Communicating Your Relationship Needs

Opening a vulnerable conversation with a partner about your needs can be intimidating. Finding the words to describe your feelings can be tricky, and even if you get it right, you may worry about how the other person will respond. However, healthy relationships typically involve having conversations of this sort. Without a clear understanding of each other’s needs, you may be more prone to misunderstandings. When asking for what you want, it can be important to use clear “I” statements, consider your partner’s needs, and prioritize respect and positivity. A licensed therapist can help you become more assertive and hone your communication skills.

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Understanding communication barriers in relationships

Although updated evidence may be necessary, communication issues tend to be one of the most commonly cited reasons why couples enter therapy, and indeed, learning to be vulnerable with one another can involve learning, practice, and even some trial and error. 

A good first step in the process may be to identify any issues that may be hindering communication, such as the following:

• Fear of vulnerability: Learning to articulate and share one’s feelings may not always come naturally, and negative past experiences can exacerbate fears of rejection or judgment.
• Assumptions and misinterpretations: Jumping to conclusions can lead to misunderstandings. To avoid this, it can help to try to give one another the benefit of the doubt, seek clarification, and avoid blaming. 
• Differences in communication styles: Each individual may have a preferred way to express themselves, and differing communication styles can make it necessary to learn each other’s preferences and idiosyncrasies.
• Conflict avoidance: Conflict can be uncomfortable, and some people might try to avoid this discomfort by steering clear of difficult conversations altogether. Issues might then go unresolved, leading to a buildup of frustration or resentment.
• Lack of listening: Devoting full attention to what another person is saying can take some effort, particularly if tensions are high or if you’re anxious to share your own thoughts. Failing to listen, however, can significantly hinder your ability to have a productive conversation.
• Technology: Texting may be a convenient way to communicate, but it can dilute the quality of your interactions, creating more opportunities for misunderstanding.
• Stress and external pressures: External demands, like stressful work or family situations, can divert attention and energy away from a relationship, which can strain communication.

How to communicate your needs

Learning to ask for what you want in a relationship can be transformative, paving the way for greater intimacy, satisfaction, and mutual understanding. However, these types of conversations can be intimidating, particularly in the early stages of a relationship. 

For a productive dialogue about your needs, consider the following tips.

1. Understand your needs and feelings

First, it may be important to reflect on why you perceive your needs are being neglected, as well as what you’d like to change. What do you want from your partner, and how might that look in practice? Why does it seem like your needs are not currently being met? What could your partner do to help you feel more fulfilled and secure in your relationship? 

You might consider journaling, talking to a friend, or even working through your feelings with a therapist. With a clear picture of the kind of relationship you want, you may be more ready to initiate a conversation with your partner.

2. Practice verbalizing your needs

Articulating your feelings in a way that’s clear, concise, and respectful might not always come easily, particularly if you are in the early stages of a relationship or lack experience with these types of conversations. If you’re concerned about how you’ll come across, it might help to do a few practice runs.

3. Use “I” statements

One strategy often employed in couples counseling is the use of “I” statements. This generally involves speaking from your own perspective, rather than attributing feelings or intentions to your partner. 

For example, a person who needs more consistent communication might say something like, “I feel ignored when it takes you a long time to respond to my messages.” This can help you avoid bringing accusations and assumptions into the conversation, instead fostering a positive, solution-oriented dialogue. 

4. Be clear about what you need

Once you’ve expressed your feelings, it may be a good idea to steer the conversation toward a resolution. Try to be clear about how your partner can better accommodate your needs and how these changes might positively impact your relationship.

Continuing with the example from above, the speaker might offer a specific timeframe in which they would like to receive a response or suggest that the other person clarify why they were unavailable. In shifting the focus to clear, actionable solutions, there may be less room for confusion surrounding needs and expectations.

5. Acknowledge the needs of the other person

In addition to stating your own needs, it might also help to acknowledge the needs of your partner. Demonstrating empathy and consideration can show that you value their needs alongside your own, which may help as you work together to compromise and problem-solve.

6. Prioritize respect and positivity

Mutual respect and positivity can go a long way in cultivating a productive dialogue. Blame, criticism, and defensiveness, on the other hand, can make it challenging to find common ground and come to a resolution. 

As you discuss your needs and desires together, aim to keep the discussion constructive and solution-focused, with the goal of ensuring both partners feel heard, valued, and understood.

7. Choose the right time and place

Timing may be another worthwhile consideration. Important conversations about needs, feelings, and relationship patterns tend to unfold more favorably when both partners can engage fully with one another. 

Try to initiate a dialogue at a time when neither of you are feeling stressed, tired, or rushed, as this may ensure you both have the mental and emotional bandwidth for the conversation.

8. Use nonverbal cues

Body language and other nonverbal cues may be another crucial aspect of communication. Pay attention to the ways you’re using eye contact, posture, and gestures, both as you speak and as you listen. In doing so, you can better convey empathy, attentiveness, and understanding, which can help your partner feel more at ease.

Coping with rejection or negative responses

Even when you state your needs clearly and respectfully, there may be times when you and your partner fail to come to an agreement. In such instances, it may be worth taking some time to consider their perspective and reflect on why they are unable to cater to your needs. 

Understanding what’s preventing them from accommodating your request can help you find another path toward compromise or address any underlying issues that may be hindering your progress as a couple.

While relationships often benefit from conversations surrounding each other’s needs and expectations, such discussions can sometimes open up the possibility of parting ways. In such cases, you might take some time apart to think about whether a breakup may be the healthiest option or even enter discernment counseling with a couples therapist.

Learn assertiveness in therapy

Among mental health professionals, communication skills are often considered a foundational aspect of healthy relationships. In addition to helping couples mitigate conflict and work through it when it arises, effective communication can foster connection, empathy, and mutual understanding. 

For those who struggle to communicate their needs and feelings, it may be worth engaging with a therapist to help you learn communication skills specifically tailored to assertiveness. 

Assertiveness training for healthier partnerships

Assertiveness training can be defined as a therapeutic approach that helps individuals address issues related to their ability to express themselves directly and respectfully. This may also involve addressing any issues related to attachment style, self-confidence, or problem-solving, which researchers have identified as key factors that can influence relationship health.

Research has found assertiveness training to be beneficial for helping individuals navigate interpersonal relationships, and it can serve as a foundational pillar of more comprehensive therapies like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). 

Benefits of online therapy

You can find therapists offering the types of services discussed above through online platforms like BetterHelp. Online therapy may be preferable for those who prefer the comfort and convenience of attending virtual sessions from home, and it typically allows you to choose between video conference, phone call, and online chat for each appointment.

Effectiveness of online therapy

While the efficacy of online therapy for assertiveness may not yet have been studied, existing evidence suggests that online therapy, in general, is just as effective as in-person therapy, as it typically produces the same client outcomes.