How To Be Friendly When You Don't Feel Like It

At times, we all encounter situations where we have to do things we don't necessarily want to do, like being social and friendly when we’re not in the mood. For the sake of maintaining relationships, preserving a reputation, meeting work expectations, or keeping previously made commitments, you may sometimes feel obligated to spend time interacting with others when you’d rather not. Here are a few tips for situations like these.

Why you might not feel like being friendly

There are all kinds of reasons you might not feel like being friendly on a given day or in a given situation. You could simply be tired or not in the mood to be around others that day. Or, you might be a more introverted type of person, meaning that you need plenty of time alone to recharge. If you’re not getting enough, the prospect of socializing can seem especially draining. 

If you’re experiencing symptoms of a mental health condition, it could make it even harder to feel motivated to spend time around others; depression, for instance, can make you fatigued and irritable and sap your interest in things you once enjoyed, and even the thought of social interaction can trigger physical and emotional symptoms in someone with social anxiety disorder. If you’re experiencing signs of a mental health condition, it’s generally recommended that you seek professional support. Some physical health conditions or disabilities may also make socializing more difficult, whether it’s due to chronic pain or to the inaccessibility of certain venues. 

It could also be the event itself that makes you dread being social and friendly. It might be a big group affair when you feel more comfortable socializing in smaller groups or one on one. It could be a work event that’s high-pressure or high-stakes, or where you’ll have to interact with people you don’t necessarily enjoy being around. There could be someone there you don’t get along with, or lots of new people that you’ll have to expend significant energy to get to know. Whatever the reason, it’s okay to listen to what your gut and your body are telling you and decide whether to go accordingly.

Should you go when you don't feel like being friendly?

Some events are difficult or impossible to get out of or would be in your best interest to attend. If your absence would negatively impact your professional life or valued relationships, for example, you might feel more inclined to muster up the social energy to go. Most of the time, however, the consequences of skipping out on a social event you’re not up for will be minimal. Remember that your mental health and energy are worth prioritizing and that it’s okay to set boundaries and be gentle with yourself. If you do have to or decide to go, you can also make changes or set boundaries that will make the event more tolerable for you. Examples might include dressing comfortably, meditating beforehand, bringing a friend or partner for support, and/or leaving early, for example.

Tips for being friendly when you’re not in the mood

Before and during a social event you’re not in the mood for, you might implement some of these tips to help you support yourself and be friendly with less effort.

Give yourself a pep talk beforehand

Speaking positively to yourself can be a powerful tool. One study found that students who engaged in positive self-affirmation before taking a timed test in front of an evaluator—a high-pressure situation—demonstrated “improved problem-solving performance” overall. Saying a few encouraging words to yourself before you enter a social situation you’re not particularly interested in attending may help boost your mood and engage with others more easily.

Focus on the positives

What good might you get out of this event or situation? Even if it’s something small, focusing on the potential rewards instead of the downsides can be an effective cognitive reframing tactic. For example, you might not want to go to a work event, but maybe it will be catered to tasty food, you’ll get the opportunity to wear the fun new shoes you just got or one of your colleagues you’re close to will be there for support.

Use open body language

When you have little energy or desire to genuinely engage in a friendly way, displaying positive body language can help. It can allow you to come off as more engaged and interested than you may actually feel, making social interactions a bit easier. For example, you might focus on making eye contact, nodding and tilting your head when listening, and sitting or standing with arms uncrossed and palms open.

Be a good listener

Focusing more on listening to what others have to say can also take some of the social pressure off of you. Active listening—which involves restating what the other person says to you, asking clarification questions when appropriate, and showing engaged body language—can be powerful. One study found that those who conversed with a partner who displayed active listening traits tended to be more satisfied with their conversation and perceived their partner to be “more socially attractive”.

Take care of yourself afterward 

How therapy can help

Therapy can be a useful tool for those who are looking to improve their social skills or learn more effective self-care strategies. If you’re experiencing symptoms of a mental health disorder that make socializing or being friendly more difficult, a therapist can also help you address these. If you find the prospect of meeting with a therapist in person to be intimidating or even potentially socially draining, you might consider online therapy as an alternative. With a virtual therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can meet with a licensed therapist via phone, video call, or even through in-app messaging if you prefer—and all from the comfort of home or anywhere you have an internet connection. Research suggests that online and in-person therapy can be similarly effective in most cases, so you can feel confident in choosing either option if you’re looking for support.