How To Deal With Controlling People And Maintain Your Own Agency

We all may have a few people in our lives we might would label “control freaks.” orThese might be people we might refer to as Type A., These people who like things just so, people who prefer to plan everything out, and have difficulty with spontaneity and change. However, sometimes the need to control a specific situation can cross over into the need to control other people, which may result in manipulation, disrespect, and even abuse.

Controlling behavior can manifest in all kinds of relationships, including family connections, friendships, co-worker relationships, and intimate partners. If you are experiencing a relationship in which someone is trying to control you or restrict your agency, it can be helpful to learn more about effective ways to address this kind of relationship dynamic. 

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Ways to handle controlling behaviors

There are manya number of ways you can deal with controlling behavior. The most effective method for you will likely depend on the what? context of the dysfunctional behavior is occurring and what role the controlling person plays in your life. For example, addressing family members with control issues can look different from talking to an intimate partner about their manipulative behavior. 

However, many of the below techniques can be adapted to work in a variety of situations, from friendships to the work environment. 

Communicate your concerns

Odds are, the person you are experiencing difficulties with likely does not think of themselves as controlling (unless other people have brought similar concerns to them before, which would indicate a major red flag – that they have self-awareness of the impact their behavior is having and still are not changing). Talking to them about the ways their behavior is affecting you could be the first step in improving the situation.

When initiating this conversation, it can be helpful to use “I” statements, and to share specific examples. You could say something along the lines of, “I felt hurt when you criticized what I was wearing yesterday.” You can also suggest alternative ways of communicating in the future. If you have a controlling supervisor who wants to delineate out every step of a project, ask if you can work on creating the project timeline together. 

Try to keep the conversation calm, and while it may not seem necessary, have a plan in place in case the situation escalates. There can be a fine line between control and abuse, especially in intimate relationships, and some controlling people can’t handle it when the person they are trying to control pushes back. 

Set and hold boundaries

Boundaries are limits on what is considered okay behavior within a relationship. Boundaries are not a sign of an unsuccessful or unhealthy relationship – on the contrary, all relationships need themboundaries. Many relationships have boundaries in place that are implicitly understood by both parties.

For example, most professional and personal relationships have boundaries against sexual contact, which is typically reserved for intimate relationships. E And even within intimate relationships, there can be implicit or explicit boundaries around certain kinds of physical touch, such as what kind of touching is acceptable in public.

As an example, picture this situation: You and your partner have just had a baby. Your mother, who lives in the area, starts coming over to your house unannounced to spend time with the baby. You explain to her that while you appreciate her presence in the baby’s life, you would like her to ask you if it’s okay to come over, as opposed to just showing up. This request is you setting a boundary.

If your mother continues to appear on your doorstep without warning, and makes excuses for her behavior by saying things like, “I was just in the neighborhood,” or “I’ll only be here for fifteen minutes!” she is crossing your boundary and may be . She is attempting to control you by making you change your expectations to accommodate what she wants, which is to come over at will.

Accidentally crossing a person’s boundaries every once in a while or needing to be reminded of boundaries right after they are set can both be common experiences in a relationship. However, if a person continues to deliberately cross boundaries even after you have asked them not to multiple times, it may be wise to consider imposing some limits on your relationship with them.

In the situation described above, limiting the relationship could involve explaining to your mother that you are not going to let her into your home unless she has asked permission to come over. You could also suggest that you could regularly bring the baby over to her house instead, since she is having difficulty respecting the boundaries you have set around your family’s personal space. 

Diffuse the situation

If you have communicated your needs and set your boundaries and the controlling behavior persists, it can be helpful to choose a response that will lower the intensity of the interaction. Again, your response can likely depend on your relationship with the controlling person, and specific safety concerns related to the situation. 

Options for diffusing include:

• Ignoring the behavior.
• Walking away from the situation.
• Keeping your own emotions in check.
• Asking questions, which can demonstrate that there are more options available than the one the controlling person is arguing for.
• Creating a distraction, which may be effective if you are witnessing someone act controlling towards someone else.
• Changing the subject, which may be beneficial if the person is giving you a long lecture in an attempt to wearat wearing you down.
• Counteracting the person’s argument with reason and logic, which can be helpful to push back against specific manipulation tactics like guilt- tripping.
• Naming the person’s own anxiety and fears that could be motivating the behavior. For example, if your partner does not want you to spend time with your friends, you could ask if they are afraid of losing you and if that is why they are responding to the situation with jealousy. Reassuring the other person that their fears are not going to come true could help them recognize and relax their controlling behavior.

Make a worst-case scenario plan

Controlling relationships can easily become abusive relationships – and while we may often associate abuse and violence with intimate relationships, the truth is that they can occur in any kind of relationship, including family relationships, friendships, and professional relationships. If you are worried that your relationship with the controlling person has become abusive and holds the potential for physical violence, it can be wise to make a safety plan. 

This planning can involve:

• Making a list of friends and family members to contact for help, including memorizing their phone numbers and other contact information in case you are in a situation where you can’t access your phone or address book.
• Identifying ways to leave the situation and places to go, including alternative places to stay if you live with the controlling/abusive person.
• Making a list of items you could need if you had to leave quickly or packing a “go bag.”
• Collecting any evidence of abuse or violence.
• Getting a separate cell phone that the controlling/abusive person does not know the number to.
• Looking up information about local laws and procedures concerning abuse/violence to learn more about restraining orders, protective orders, etc.

Finding support for navigating controlling relationships

Even if your relationship with a controlling person does not rise to the level of violence, it can take a significant emotional toll on you. Dealing with disrespect and manipulation can leave you feeling exhausted and burned out. Speaking to a mental health professional may help.

If someone in your life is trying to control you, it may be difficult to attend traditional in-person therapy appointments, especially if the relationship has become abusive and you have concerns about your safety. Online therapy can be a discreet way to access professional help without broadcasting your intentions to the world. 

Research indicates that online therapy may be just as effective as traditional in-person therapy for navigating relationship concerns. One study found that online cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) was beneficial for people who had experienced controlling relationships and intimate partner violence. If you are hoping to process emotions related to controlling behavior from people in your life, online therapy could be a helpful resource.