How To Interact With Someone Who Hates You

When someone hates you, the reasons can vary widely, from an old friendship that was broken up by a disagreement or a misunderstanding to opposing values or even prejudice. Regardless of the reason, being hated can hurt. Below, we’ll explore some of the potential effects of feeling hated by someone, along with actions you can take to try and resolve the situation.

The potential effects of being hated

Our drive to feel accepted by our peers is an evolutionary mechanism. In the early days of humankind, social acceptance correlated with the safety available in community, since individuals were generally not able to survive on their own. Even today, research suggests a correlation between strong social support and better mental and physical health. This evolutionary history is likely at least part of why it can be so painful to be rejected or even hated by someone now. 

Feeling hated by someone can also be taxing if it’s a person we have to deal with regularly, like a neighbor or coworker. Trying to navigate your daily life while you face negativity or even hostility from someone can make everything more difficult. 

What to do about someone who hates you

It’s important to remember that improving the situation isn’t always possible, and sometimes simply dealing with the matter by working through your own feelings may be necessary. Often times, a person who hates someone else has that hatred from their own problems, not yours, like negative feelings and internal struggles, or from snap judgments that they don’t care to rectify. Other times, if a person hates you, improving the situation isn’t worth the effort, such as if you rarely encounter the person in your daily life, or if it would be emotionally unsafe to engage with them about the issue. However, if you have to regularly interact with someone who hates you, you might be able to implement some of the strategies below to at least defuse the hostility between you and move your relationship in a positive direction. These tend to be some of the ways successful people deal with someone who hates them. Remember that it’s generally advisable to avoid engaging with this person at all if it seems unsafe for you to do so. 

Find out the cause of their feelings

If it’s safe for you to do so, you might approach the situation by directly, politely asking the person why they have a problem with you. Perhaps there was a past incident that you’d forgotten about but that continues to bother them. Or, it could be that they misunderstood something you said or did, or that they made incorrect assumptions about who you are or what you stand for. Perhaps you took what they saw as constructive criticism as a purposeful insult, and they don’t hate you at all. If the other person seems open to a calm, civil discussion, the two of you may be able to iron out the issue by apologizing for any past hurts, clarifying any disconnections, and agreeing to disagree where necessary; this may be the best course of action. Even if they’re not receptive, you can feel confident that you did what you could to try and resolve the problem and set healthy boundaries.

Examine your own behavior and your own feelings

As mentioned earlier, there are many different reasons why one person might hate another. In many cases, it has more to do with the individual holding the hateful feelings than the one who is the target of them. That said, it could also be that the other party has some grounds to dislike you. If you truly don’t know why they might feel this way, it could be worth taking a step back and examining your own behavior as objectively as possible. Cultivating self-awareness as you deal with someone who hates you can be crucial.

If they’re part of your social circle, do you make them feel excluded and ignore or interrupt them when they speak? If you work with them, are you adding tasks to their plate or taking credit for projects they’ve done? If they’re your neighbor, are you frequently being disruptive at late hours? Sometimes, things that deeply bother one person might go unnoticed by another, so thinking critically about your interactions with the individual who hates you can inspire you to make some reasonable shifts that may make them feel more heard, comfortable, or respected. You might even ask your friends or family members for their honest perspective on the situation. It’s possible you did absolutely nothing wrong, but it can still be important to seek the objective truth of the situation.

Avoid conflict when experiencing negative feelings

If you’re unable to figure out or resolve the issue this person has with you, it’s usually in your best interest to simply avert additional conflict with them going forward. If you can avoid interacting with them at all, it may be best for everyone. If you have to interact with this individual, keeping things as calm and civil as possible could be the most beneficial course of action. Try to stay positive, maintain self-confidence, and find peace with the situation.

Some people who feel hatred toward others might try to pick fights with them. If you experience this, you might try and focus on deescalation through empathy, patience, and rationality. If you encounter them in a place of school or work and they deliberately try to provoke you, you may be able to report them to a manager or administrator. In general, there’s no point in fighting back, and it can have consequences. The ability to be the bigger person is an attribute that many successful people have.

Shift your focus

Fixating on why someone hates you can be unproductive at best and mentally harmful at worst. If there’s nothing you can do about the situation, you might benefit from simply shifting your focus in a more positive direction. As one study on the topic suggests, prioritizing positivity can predict “a host of well-being outcomes”, so you may find yourself feeling better and enjoying life more if you can accentuate the positives in your life instead of the negative. Putting your mental energy toward people and activities you love instead of worrying about or experiencing fear regarding one person who doesn’t like you may be a more effective and beneficial approach for your life.

Respect their boundaries

If someone has shown or expressed that they don’t enjoy being around you and aren’t open to discussing or resolving the issue, it’s usually best to respect their boundaries. If they don’t want to spend time with you, you could avoid making plans with them or signing up to work on projects with them, for example. Even if you disagree with them, complying with someone’s reasonable boundaries can be a sign of basic respect. This isn’t just the case when a person hates you; it can also be vital to respect boundaries in relationships with a friend or family member.

How therapy can help when someone hates you

As covered above, suspecting or knowing that someone actively hates you can affect your mental health. If you’re looking for support in processing and coping with these feelings, meeting with a therapist could be beneficial. They can provide you with a safe space to express your emotions, understand your own feelings, and control any symptoms of anxiety or rumination you may be experiencing as a result of this situation. They can also teach you strategies for improving your self-esteem, along with skills for interpersonal communication and conflict resolution. In other words, they can act as trusted support for those who find themselves in difficult social situations.

Not everyone has the opportunity to connect with a qualified therapist who can meet their needs nearby. In cases like these, online therapy can represent a valuable alternative. With an online therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with one of tens of thousands of licensed therapists. You can then connect with your therapist via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from the comfort of home without the hassle or time cost of commuting to and from a physical office. Research suggests that online therapy can offer similar benefits to in-person therapy in many cases, so it may be worth exploring if you’re interested in this format.