How To Get To Know Someone And Reduce Anxiety On A First Date
Going on a first date can cause nervousness. You may stress about where to go, what to do, or what to talk about when you meet them or wonder if you'll be compatible. Although getting to know someone new can take time and effort, you can learn a few tips and tricks to break the ice, keep yourself calm and comfortable, and enjoy your date without stress or pressure.
Tips for getting to know someone on a first date
Below are a few tips to help you ensure your first date is as enjoyable as possible.
Be yourself when getting to know someone
There are many possible outcomes to getting to know someone, and a desire for the date to succeed can be overwhelming when you first meet them. In some cases, nervousness may cause an individual to pretend to be someone they aren't, lie about their interests, or hide certain personality traits. Nervousness can cause rambling, fast-talking, shaking, stuttering, and other behaviors your date might pick up on.
Before going on a first date, commit to being yourself. It might be tempting to pretend to be someone else if you like the person and are afraid of rejection. Although being yourself can put you in a vulnerable position, it may also open you up to meeting people with similar interests.
Your date agreed to go on a first date with you, and they may want to get to know who you are in your daily life. If you start with lies or avoiding certain parts of yourself, those details may come up later. Being open and honest can help your date feel comfortable being open to you in return, reducing pressure to perform.
Prepare for and understand rejection
Rejection sensitivity occurs when an individual experiences intense emotion after being rejected. They might feel angry, heartbroken, or fearful in response. If you struggle to cope with rejection in any area of your life, preparing for rejection during a first date may be beneficial and allow you to go into it without expectations for the future.
Dating is often a way for individuals to meet potential partners or find people to have close connections with. However, incompatibility, disinterest, mismatching interests, and other challenges can occur on a date. If you go on a date expecting the connection to lead to love or marriage, you may experience rejection sensitivity if your date lets you know they're not interested in another date.
Try to approach dating open-mindedly, accepting that not everyone you meet may be a match. In addition, learn about sexual and physical consent and ensure you know how to accept "no" if a partner doesn't want to partake in certain activities on the date. By preparing for the possibility of rejection, you may reduce nervousness on your first date and enjoy your time with the individual, regardless of the outcome.
If you're looking for a particular type of connection before a date, let the individual know what you're seeking before you meet them. If they're not interested, they can let you know, which can also reduce the chances of rejection sensitivity or fear.
Check-in
Checking in can help gauge the comfort and quality of the time you both are spending together. Check in with yourself and your date throughout your time together to ensure you are both enjoying the energy and are able to continue the date. To check in with your date, you may use the following techniques.
Ask them
At some point toward the middle of the date, you can ask politely if your date is enjoying themselves. However, ask only one time, as asking more than once may come off as reassurance-seeking and pressuring. If you don't want to ask, you can let your date know you're enjoying yourself and want the date to continue. If they're interested, they may respond similarly.
Pay attention to body language
Pay attention to your date's body language. Body language can indicate interest and help you determine your date's comfort. Common signs that your date is comfortable may include:
Maintaining eye contact
Staying engaged in conversation
Keeping arms and palms open and relaxed
Smiling, laughing, nodding
Asking and responding to questions
Remaining focused on the conversation
Leaning toward you, if you're sitting across from each other
Sitting or standing close to you
Light consensual touches
The behaviors above can also be used to communicate to your date that you're enjoying their company. Communication through body language can strengthen any verbal flirtation or emotional connection, as well.
Ask questions
To get to know your date and their interests, ask questions. Below are a few tips for asking questions:
Ask open-ended questions requiring more than a yes or no response.
Ask questions that seek details. Using "who," "what," "when," "where," "Why," and "How" may express genuine interest and keep the conversation flowing.
Try not to be too personal on the first date.
You can also consider starting conversations on the following topics:
Where each of you grew up
Your common interests and hobbies
Your date's career aspirations or dreams
Whether either of you is musical or artistic
Any projects you've been working on lately
Whether each of you has pets
Family and friends
College experience
Your proudest accomplishments
You can also ask the following first-date questions to get the conversation started:
What do you look for in a partner?
Which of the following types of intelligence do you value most: logical and mathematical, social and interpersonal, or visual and artistic?
What's an unpopular opinion you have?
What activities do you do in your free time?
Have you gone on any recent vacations?
Do you answer work emails on the weekend?
Do you like to travel?
Is it necessary that your partner practices the same religion as you?
How would you feel if your partner earned more money than you?
Have you attended a protest march?
Do you meditate?
How often do you talk to your parents?
Do you speak more than one language?
Which word describes you better: carefree or intense?
Do you believe in astrology?
Do you have a religion or spiritual belief?
Do you smoke?
Are you jealous in a relationship?
Do you like scary movies?
What is your favorite holiday?
You can ask hundreds of questions, so consider making a list of questions and practicing them on your own before the date if you're nervous about not knowing what to say. Note that your date may also ask you questions, so you may not be required to carry the conversation entirely on your own.
Find opportunities to compliment them
If a silent moment comes up during your date, compliment your date. For example, you could say, "Your bracelet is beautiful; is there a story behind it?" You can also compliment tattoos, jewelry, piercings, clothing, or physical attributes like someone's smile. You can also prepare ice-breaker questions beforehand to use if the silence continues.
Counseling options
Suppose you want more help connecting to potential partners on a date. In that case, a licensed counselor may be able to guide you in understanding social connections and starting any romantic or sexual relationship with another person. If you have social anxiety or are worried about meeting a therapist in person, you can also consider online therapy.
An increasing amount of research points to online therapy as a valuable treatment method for those experiencing difficulty connecting with others due to mental health issues. For example, in one study published in the Journal of Medical Internet Research, the effects of online therapy on symptoms of social anxiety were examined.
The study was a five-year follow-up of 80 individuals who had previously undergone an online cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) treatment for social anxiety disorder. Researchers noted that the improvements participants had experienced after treatment were sustained after five years and concluded that online therapy could produce "large and enduring effects." These findings are consistent with several similar studies that concluded that online counseling could help manage symptoms of an array of mental health issues.
Online therapy is often an effective tool for those seeking help with social interactions. With online therapy through a platform like BetterHelp, you can connect with a licensed counselor via videoconference, messaging, live chat, or voice call from the comfort of your home or wherever you have an internet connection.
Takeaway
How to get to know someone on a date?
Getting to know someone while dating likely requires approaching the date with an open mind, ready to listen to what the other person has to say. While some people approach a date with a self-centered attitude, ready to talk about themselves but not ready to listen to another person, things like nervousness can also make it hard to get to know someone.
You may want to consider taking a few deep breaths or finding another relaxation technique you can use before the date begins. Being relaxed will likely make it easier to pay attention to what the other person is saying, ask relevant questions, and discuss details about yourself. Consider asking the other person about their family, career, social life, and hobbies. It is likely best to avoid controversial topics until you have gotten beyond the first date, but once you have established a rapport, it may be time to discuss more sensitive topics to check for compatibility.
What is a good date to get to know someone?
Getting to know someone early on usually requires open and honest conversation. Over time, people will usually tell you who they are through their actions, and observing how they behave in various situations can help you better understand their personality. However, in the early days of dating, the best approach likely involves asking relevant questions and discussing responses to questions asked of you. Speaking with a potential partner and bonding over conversation is one of the first ways a potential couple begins to build trust, which is essential for a relationship to function.
What are 20 questions to ask to get to know someone?
Good first-date questions often involve a person’s family, social life, career, hobbies, and interests. Keep questions light and inquisitive; it is likely best to avoid controversial topics until you have gotten to know the person. Some basic “get to know you” questions are listed below:
- How many siblings do you have?
- Are you a morning person or a night owl?
- What’s one amazing adventure that you’ve been on?
- What’s next on your bucket list?
- What are you best known for among your friends?
- Do you have a favorite music artist? Music genre?
- What’s the best thing that happened to you this year?
- If you were given a chance to invent a new ice cream flavor, what would it be?
- Who are you closest to in your family?
- How did you and your best friend meet?
- What are your three most favorite things to talk about?
- What’s your favorite workout routine?
- Who’s your favorite author?
- Who’s your role model?
- If you won the lottery tomorrow, what’s the first thing you would do?
- What’s your favorite way to relax?
- What does your dream vacation look like?
- Who’s the nicest person you know?
- What TV show could you never live without?
- What’s your silliest fear?
Do you kiss on the first date?
Many people choose to kiss on the first date, and many do not. Whether or not two potential dating partners kiss - or have sex - after a first date is entirely up to them. What matters most is likely that both people are on the same page. A kiss, even a light peck on the cheek, still requires consent. If a person isn’t comfortable kissing on the first date, the other person should not try to push for a kiss or anything more physical. It doesn’t mean that the date didn’t go well; it may simply be that the person does not kiss on the first date, no matter how well the date goes. If you’re unsure whether the person wants you to kiss them, it is often best to simply ask. Obtaining permission to kiss them can avoid an awkward or unpleasant experience, and ensuring consent is unlikely to kill the romance.
What not to ask on a first date?
It is likely best to restrict first-date conversations to lighthearted “get to know you” questions that don’t dive into controversial topics. Asking about hobbies, interests, career, friends, and family are all good options, but consider avoiding politics, discussions of core values, or sensitive topics until you have known the person a while longer. It is important to discuss controversial topics at some point to determine compatibility, but the first date is not typically the best time to do so. Once the relationship begins to evolve organically, both partners can start bringing up sensitive topics that are important to them.
What is a red flag text before a first date?
Paying attention to potential red flags before, during, and after the first date is important. Texts and messages can contain red flags, and if you get a bad vibe from someone you are meeting for a date, it’s okay to postpone or cancel. Keep an eye out for the following when texting someone before a first date:
- They won’t compromise on details like the location and time of the date.
- They ask you to meet somewhere that makes you uncomfortable and won’t acknowledge your concerns.
- They are aggressively romantic to the point of making you uncomfortable, which may be a sign of love bombing.
- They tease or demean you, often claiming they are joking or “just having fun.”
- They set controlling standards and don’t consider your input when planning the date.
How long should a first date last?
It’s unlikely that every first date has a specific amount of time it should last before concluding. Generally, dates tend to last longer if two people “click” well. However, even a quick 30-minute date can lead to a connection, especially if both people have busy schedules. Many people prefer short first dates to test initial compatibility, with second dates typically lasting longer and being more complex. Many others prefer to play things by ear, letting the date play out and spending time with the person until the date reaches a mutual conclusion.
What is a low-key first date?
A good low-key first date likely involves a location where both people are comfortable and can converse without difficulty. Nightclubs, bars, and other loud environments may not be the best choice. Coffee dates often make for a low-key, low-stress first date. A dinner in a casual restaurant could also be low-key. Nature dates in a populated place like a city park might also be enjoyable. Generally, any date where potential partners have a chance to converse and aren’t expected to go all-in for the date is likely to feel low-key.
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