How To Grieve The Loss Of A Child: Recognizing Your Emotions And Finding Ways To Cope

Losing a child as a parent, grandparent, sibling, teacher, friend, or family member can be one of the most stressful times in a person’s life. Research has shown that grieving parents living through their child’s death can be the greatest and most enduring stress people experience.

If you are experiencing the death of a child, it might seem as if the intense grief and overwhelming emotions will last forever. However, there are healthy ways to process your emotions and move forward while still honoring their memory. Here, we’ll discuss how to grieve the loss of a child, including what the grieving process might look like, common emotions you might experience, and ways to cope.

The grieving process

The five stages of grief

Some might find comfort in Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief model:

• Denial: You might refuse to accept the loss or choose to ignore it altogether. This can be a defense mechanism to protect yourself from pain and shock while working through a difficult situation.
• Anger: Blaming doctors, family members, the universe, or yourself for a child’s death is often a manifestation of grief. Anger might also appear as general irritability or a short temper.
• Bargaining: Thinking about how things could’ve gone differently if you had acted in another way is often irrational, but it can be a normal part of grief. You might also find yourself making promises to yourself or to a higher power in exchange for having your child back.
• Depression: After your defense mechanisms have dissipated, you might be left with intense sadness, hopelessness, or despair. This can make performing everyday tasks or taking care of yourself difficult.
• Acceptance: Once you’ve come to terms with your loss and have given yourself time to effectively process your emotions, you might take time to celebrate your child’s life and make plans to move forward. At this stage, you may no longer be fighting your grief and can instead experience it in a healthy way.
  

Although many might experience grief in line with this model when a child dies, it is not exact or all-encapsulating. In your own grief journey, some stages might be in a different order, replaced with other emotions, or skipped altogether. Additionally, some stages might last longer than others. It can be important to remember that there is no correct way to grieve.

You might also notice that your significant other, family members, and other people close to the child experience grief in an entirely different way from you. This is normal, and recognizing this and finding ways to support those around you in the ways they prefer can be helpful in the grieving process.

Common emotions and experiences while grieving lost children

While the Five Stages of Grief might provide a framework for some, there are many emotions and experiences you might encounter throughout your grief journey in addition to or instead of the stages in Kübler-Ross’s model.

Other common emotions and experiences while grieving the loss of your child might include:

• Guilt, as if there was something you could’ve done to prevent the death
• Resentment towards other parents with healthy children
• Fear of losing others or an intense need to protect your surviving children
• Questioning your religious or spiritual beliefs
• Questioning if you no longer have a purpose in the world
• Dreaming about your lost child
• Sensing that your child is still with you or could appear at any minute
• Wishing you could join your child, wherever they might be

How to grieve the loss of a child

As we mentioned, everyone might grieve the loss of a child differently. Similarly, everyone might cope with their grief in different ways. One or more of these strategies could help you or the ones you love grieve healthily and begin the healing process after the death of a child.

Allow yourself to experience your emotions while grieving

Some might believe that in order to move forward after a child’s death, you must ignore your emotions. However, research has shown that emotion suppression could lead to health risks down the road. Allowing yourself time to fully experience and process your emotions can be the first step in beginning to feel better.

Give yourself time while learning how to grieve the loss of a child

As stated earlier, grief doesn’t have an exact timeline. There might be many days where simple tasks such as getting out of bed, taking a shower, doing laundry, or grocery shopping seem difficult or impossible. Allowing yourself time to grieve without telling yourself how you should act or how you should feel can make it easier to get to a point where you can resume your typical activities.

Ask for help when you need it

Although it may seem difficult, accepting help from others might be necessary to give yourself the proper time and space to acknowledge your emotions and grieve without additional stressors. Friends and neighbors might offer to be there for you in the days following your child’s death. You might allow them to bring you meals, run your errands, and clean your house while you rest and grieve.

Practice self-care

It might seem difficult to take care of yourself while experiencing intense grief, but when you have the energy, taking time to shower, brush your teeth, and eat even a small meal can be helpful in your healing process. You might also consider walking, reading books, or engaging in other activities that relax and comfort you through grief.

Spend time with friends and family after the death of a child

It can be helpful to spend time with people who love you and people who love your lost child. Remember that your friends, partner, or other children are also likely experiencing grief. Your partner may have also lost a child, and your other children may be grieving their sibling’s death. Being there for one another can help you all cope with these intense thoughts and emotions together.

Talk about your child

You might find comfort in talking about your child with others who love them or even those who didn’t know them. Although it may feel painful to remember that they are no longer with you, it can be helpful in keeping their memory alive and associating them with happy thoughts.

Get back into routines

Eventually, performing daily tasks might not seem so difficult. As soon as you are able, you might consider getting back to your old routines, such as working, volunteering, or participating in regular activities. You might also encourage your family to do the same, such as sending your children back to school and having them attend their typical after-school commitments.

Attend a support group for grief and depression

A grief support group can be a helpful resource for those experiencing the loss of a child. There might be specific groups for bereaved parents, groups focusing on losing someone from a certain illness or circumstance, or groups to cope with loss in general. You might find that hearing stories from others who have lost someone close to them can validate your feelings and give you hope for the future.

Begin a tradition in honor of your child or children

Finding ways to honor your child’s memory might bring you comfort in grief. On your child’s birthday or the anniversary of their death, you might plan to spend time with family recounting memories, looking at pictures, or doing something they enjoyed. You might also choose to participate in or organize an event to raise awareness for the illness or circumstances that caused your child’s death.

Express yourself creatively

Creativity could be a helpful outlet in remembering your child and allowing yourself to process grief in a healthy way. You might journal, draw, paint, make music, or use another creative method to help you express and make sense of your emotions.

Seeking professional support for grief and depression

Grief counseling or grief therapy can be helpful tools in understanding your emotions and navigating your life after the loss of a child. Although nothing can make you forget your child or stop grief altogether, a therapist can help you find healthy ways to grieve and manage any mental health conditions you might be experiencing alongside your grief.

Online therapy for coping with the death of a child

As discussed, some of the symptoms and emotions we experience during periods of grief can make it difficult to get out of bed or leave the house. If you’re trying to cope with losing a child, online therapy might be a helpful way to receive help quickly, without the additional barrier of having to leave home. With online therapy, you can meet with a licensed grief therapist and begin your journey toward healing from the comfort of your own space.

Effectiveness of online therapy 

Research has shown that online therapy can be an effective tool for managing the symptoms of grief. In a meta-analysis, data suggests that internet- or mobile-based interventions can help bereaved adults manage symptoms of grief, depression, and posttraumatic stress disorder after experiencing a loss. Additionally, those receiving treatment reported high levels of satisfaction with the interventions.