How To Make A Genuine Apology When You Need To Set Things Right
When you’ve done something that’s hurt or offended another person, owning up to it and apologizing can be the first step in repairing your relationship. It’s often important to think through what you’re going to say ahead of time, though. An apology that comes across as insincere could make things even worse. Once you’ve had some time to consider where you went wrong, you can acknowledge your bad behavior to the other person and tell them you’re sorry. Try to avoid excuses, minimizing, or deflection, and be prepared to accept it if they’re not ready to forgive you. Humbly owning up to your errors may be essential to make things right. For professional guidance in apologizing or effectively communicating in general, consider working with a licensed therapist online or in person.
Why making a good apology matters
Some people may think apologies are pointless, viewing them as “just words” that can’t meaningfully change a bad situation. Psychological research tells us that’s usually not the case. While apologizing generally can’t undo the harm that’s been done, it may go a long way toward restoring goodwill between the people involved.
A genuine apology can show that you value the relationship
Most people recognize that admitting wrongdoing can be painful. As such, apologizing can signal that fixing things between you and the person (or people) you’ve hurt is a high priority. This may reaffirm that the relationship is important to you, and it may also remind the other party why it matters to them.
Receiving an apology can be good for the other person
It may sound trite to say that apologies make the person receiving them feel better. Yet studies have found evidence that this is often true. While updated evidence may be necessary, when a person gets a genuine apology from someone who’s wronged them, it seems to improve measures of physical health like blood pressure and heart rate. If you’ve hurt someone’s feelings, a heartfelt apology may help them start to heal.
Owning up to bad behavior can re-establish trust
When you’ve done something harmful or unfair to another person, they may be understandably concerned that you could do so again in the future. Acknowledging that your actions were wrong and expressing remorse generally shows that you understand what behavior is and isn’t acceptable. Experimental evidence indicates that this can help restore the other person’s opinion of your trustworthiness.
An effective apology can promote empathy
Evidence from neuroscience suggests that receiving an apology might activate parts of the brain associated with empathy. Placing yourself in a vulnerable position by apologizing could make it easier for the other person to understand your perspective and intentions.
Apologizing could be good for you, too
When you know that you’ve hurt someone else, the resulting feelings of guilt and shame can cause a considerable amount of stress. Making a genuine apology may not be enough by itself to make those feelings go away, but it will likely help.
How to make a genuine apology: 6 key tips
Bad apologies may increase the other person’s feelings of negativity instead of making things better. Here are a few things you can do to deliver an effective apology.
1. Take the time to understand
The first step in an effective apology may be listening to the person you hurt or insulted. You should typically spend some time reflecting on exactly what lines you crossed and how your actions affected the other person.
You may worry that this could mean waiting too long and increasing the offended person’s anger. However, many experts advise that apologizing too quickly can be worse than delaying. The other person may not believe that you’ve truly reflected on what you did wrong, and they may assume you're simply trying to defuse the argument. Allowing some breathing room can signal that you’re taking this seriously.
2. Acknowledge wrongdoing
According to Dr. Aaron Lazare, a former chancellor at the University of Massachusetts Medical School and the author of a famous book on the psychology of apologies, acknowledging the offense is usually the first step in a successful apology. For this to be effective, you’ll generally need to keep the focus on your words and actions rather than the other person’s feelings. Phrases like “I’m sorry you were upset” can make things worse by appearing to place the blame on the person who was wronged.
3. Express remorse
It’s generally best to make a clear statement, like “I apologize,” or “I’m sorry.” Overly formal language, such as “I want to convey my sincere regret,” can dilute the meaning and power of what you’re saying.
Even worse, failing to clearly express remorse may come across as an attempt to weasel out of actually apologizing, indicating that you don’t actually think you did anything wrong. Saying something like “I feel terrible about the argument” isn’t necessarily the same thing as taking responsibility for what you’ve done.
4. Explain, don’t justify
It can sometimes help to provide an explanation for why you caused offense or injury. That said, you may need to be very careful to avoid the impression that you’re trying to make excuses for yourself. Remember that the goal is generally to foster greater understanding, not to convince the other person to be less upset with you.
You may want to run your explanation by a trusted friend or family member who’s not connected to the incident. Read out what you’re going to say, word for word, and ask if it sounds like you’re trying to justify or minimize your behavior. If they think there’s even a possibility it could come across that way, you may want to leave the explanation out.
When in doubt, you can always say something like, “There’s no excuse for how I acted.”
5. Offer to make amends
Researchers have found evidence that apologies may be more effective in paving the way to forgiveness when they express an intention to try to fix the damage. This may not be applicable or even possible in every case, but if it’s feasible, it can be a powerful way to heal the breach.
Here are a few different kinds of restitution you could offer:
- Direct repair: If you’re apologizing for physical damage to property, you may be able to fix it yourself, or at least clean up the mess you’ve made. In situations where the harm is more intangible, you could offer emotional restitution. For instance, if you’ve damaged someone’s reputation, publicly taking back what you said might help make things right.
- Financial compensation: When mending something by hand isn’t an option, you could offer to cover any expenses the other person has incurred from what you’ve done, such as medical bills or cleaning costs. You may want to acknowledge that this can’t undo their emotional distress so that your offer doesn’t come across as a bribe.
- Behavioral changes: Sometimes, there’s no way to directly compensate the aggrieved party. However, if you’re in an ongoing relationship with them, you could pledge to make specific changes to your behavior going forward to avoid a repeat of the situation.
6. Don’t be pushy
There’s usually no guarantee that the other person will forgive you, and you may need to accept the possibility that they won’t. Pushing too hard for reconciliation can undermine your efforts. It might give the impression that you’re only offering an apology so that you can “put things behind you.” It might seem paradoxical but acknowledging that the other person doesn’t owe you forgiveness may make it more likely that you’ll receive it.
Avoiding pushiness can extend to the apology itself. Try to avoid making the other person feel cornered or trapped when you approach them to apologize. If you’re apologizing by text, phone, or email rather than in person, it can be best to avoid badgering them for a response or sending it through multiple channels.
After you’ve said your piece, it’s typically a good idea to hear the other person out if they have anything they need to say to you. Try to respond respectfully without attempting to minimize or contradict what they’re saying. Then, give them some space to think things over and decide how they want to proceed.
Improving your mental health may help you make amends
Apologies may be crucial to reconciliation after you’ve done something wrong, but there’s typically no substitute for making positive change. Therapy may be able to help you change your problematic behaviors, improve your impulse control, and learn to better manage your emotions. In the long run, this may be an enormous help in rebuilding damaged relationships.
Benefits of online therapy
Finding a qualified therapist may seem easier said than done since the process can often be time-consuming and frustrating. Online therapy may offer an easier approach; when you’re not limited to people practicing in your immediate area, finding someone who’s taking on new clients may be much quicker. Internet therapy services like BetterHelp can often make this even simpler by pairing you with a licensed mental health professional based on your needs, preferences, and location.
Effectiveness of online therapy
Online therapy can be effective as well as approachable. A 2018 review of the clinical literature concluded that internet-based counseling typically achieved equivalent results to in-person treatment, often producing lasting improvements in mental health. Working with a therapist online may help you find the self-awareness you need to make things right after a transgression while avoiding similar mistakes in the future.
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