How To Not Take Things Personally: According To Therapists

Taking things personally is a habit that can harm and even end relationships if we allow it. Why do we do this, and how does it affect our mental health? When we take things personally, it means that we are misinterpreting someone's thoughts and actions and believing them to be targeted toward us.

To remedy this thought pattern, we must seek to understand both the habit itself and a common underlying cause: low self-esteem. Here is what you can do to address both of those factors.

Consider other explanations for behavior

Perhaps you met someone who said or did things that hurt your feelings. While this is a very real and unpleasant experience, in most cases, it’s highly unlikely that the majority of people in your life are actively malicious. Your boss probably did not give your co-worker that promotion because they think you are flawed. Your friend probably did not hang out with your other friend last weekend, without you, in order to exclude you. 

Other explanations to consider

People have plenty of reasons behind their actions that aren't about you. It may be that, in the case of your co-worker’s promotion, they were simply more qualified. Your friends are also allowed to deepen their relationship with each other without you present. There is a concept in psychology that the simplest answer is most likely, and the more complex the conclusion is, the more solid evidence you will need to justify it – commonly known as Occam’s Razor.

Adjust your expectations 

We are often let down because we hold people at high expectations, but the people in your life likely do not think about meeting your expectations throughout their day. They have their own lives and expectations that may be different than yours. Adjusting your expectations for the people around can help you reframe your understanding of people’s motives. 

Communicate your expectations clearly

It's important to communicate your needs with the people in your life who you have close relationships with. When you tell your friends that you feel excluded when everyone is invited and you aren't, they can then be aware of that and take it into consideration in the future. Perhaps there are times when friends will hang out without you and it has nothing to do with you, but when expectations and needs are communicated from all parties, hurt feelings are often avoided.

Challenge your assumptions 

Sometimes, our thoughts can be false because our perception of the situation at hand has been altered by our emotional state. This is what’s known as a cognitive distortion, or interpreting the words and actions of others through a biased lens that doesn’t have much stake in reality. 

The next time you feel threatened or hurt by someone else, challenge these distortions. Ask yourself, ”Was this done to hurt me intentionally?” If the answer is false or debatable, ask yourself why you feel so affected by their actions. What was it that they did that made you feel the way you do? It could be that someone’s behavior is a trigger that connects a past experience where you felt ignored, hurt, or belittled in some way, and you may be projecting those same emotions onto the person who has no idea what reaction their behaviors stimulate within you.

Become a detached observer

Facing your distortions directly can be challenging, especially if you’re already feeling hurt. Rather than viewing hurtful situations as yourself, consider looking at others’ actions through the lens of a detached, unbiased observer. Once you evaluate other people's actions through this perspective, you can often see the flawed thinking that takes place when you take things personally.

Find ways to boost your confidence

Negative thinking that makes you feel inferior often occurs when you lack confidence and high self-esteem. Just like we cannot always expect others to meet our standards, other people are not responsible for instilling a sense of self-worth within us. 

What are the things about yourself that you love? In what ways are you skilled or talented? What do you offer your family, friend group, or work setting that others may not? Using your strengths and tapping into those abilities can serve as reminders that you are competent, caring, curious, or courageous. When you believe in yourself, it is likely that others will follow suit.

Speak with a therapist for help boosting your self-esteem

One of the best benefits of speaking with a licensed therapist is that they can serve as a detached observer – someone to “check” you when your internal dialogue might not be helpful or healthy. They can do so using evidence-based treatment approaches like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), a method that centers on reframing thoughts for desired feelings (like feeling enough, feeling confident, and feeling open-minded). 

If you think you can benefit from this type of help, but you don't know where to begin, consider BetterHelp as a launchpad. By taking the initial questionnaire, you can connect with a therapist uniquely qualified to support you in your desired outcomes within 48 hours. From there, you can schedule appointments from a preferred location and at a time that works for your schedule. 

Online therapy for building self-esteem

Online therapy shows just as much, if not greater, effectiveness in supporting people with low self-esteem when compared to face-to-face therapy. In a ten-week study, 22 participants with anxious or avoidant attachment styles and neurotic- or stress-related disorders – all of which are correlated with low self-esteem – took part in an online group therapy intervention guided by a clinical psychologist. The study leaders confirmed that participants experienced reduced levels of anxiety and avoidance in addition to diminished depressive symptoms and feelings of loneliness.