Protecting Your Mental Health When Someone Hurts You

Have you been hurt recently by something that someone said or did to you? If so, you’re not alone, as this is a common experience that most people experience occasionally. During a normal conversation, someone can say or do something that immediately makes you feel uncomfortable, offended, or deeply upset. This can be incredibly unpleasant and can make interacting with that person awkward or difficult, which can lead to even more hurt feelings.

Hurt feelings can be very painful after such an interaction. Research shows that the brain processes emotional pain similarly to how it processes physical pain, which means the pain can feel intense when someone hurts you.

However, there are strategies for responding in a way that might limit your pain and possibly improve your relationships with others. Below, we’ll explore hurt feelings and discuss ways to respond skillfully when someone hurts you.

Understanding why we feel hurt

Having “hurt feelings” is a term commonly used to describe a situation in which you feel emotional pain because of another person’s words or actions. When you say that you have your feelings hurt, you might be referring to feeling.

• Abandoned
• Ignored or rejected
• Criticized unfairly and/or unconstructively
• Teased or ridiculed
• Betrayed

Levels of emotional hurt

The level of hurt you feel will depend on a variety of things, from how close you are to the person who has hurt you to the severity of the act itself. Your age can also have some effect on how deeply hurt you feel by certain actions; studies show that, as you get older, your ability to control your emotions and emotional responses tends to improve. So, things that cut you deeply as a teenager – when the emotional centers of your brain are still developing – may not sting nearly as much when you are an adult. 

That being said, feeling hurt is a natural human response to certain social situations. Another study from 2021 described having your feelings hurt as a kind of social pain, and noted that children as young as one year old could show signs of hurt feelings; the researchers proposed the idea that this kind of social pain display is inherent to human beings because it allows us to communicate that we have social or emotional needs that have either been unmet, ignored, or purposefully denied. 

How to respond when someone hurts you

Hurt can come in many forms, but they can be largely broken down into two categories: words and actions. While your first instinct when someone hurts you may be to lash out or run away, this is often not the most appropriate response. Learning how to respond to hurt with empathetic but firm boundaries can help resolve the situation in a way that benefits both you and the person who hurt you in the long term.

Take time to recognize what has been said or done

When someone hurts you initially, it is a good idea to take a moment to reflect internally. Recognize and acknowledge your own feelings, then try to identify what it was about this person’s words or actions that caused you pain. Once you’ve identified this, consider some other factors of the incident:

• Was the comment or action intentional? 
• What preceded the comment or action? What is the context of the situation?
• Would it be reasonable to assume that the other person knew their words or actions could be harmful based on your familiarity with them as a person? 

The answers to these questions may help you to move on to the next step in the process.

Clarify the situation

Once you have taken some time to gather your thoughts, it may help to initiate a discussion. To begin with, you might note exactly what it was that hurt you.

From there, you may want to gather more information about the comment or action to clarify whether your interpretation of the situation was accurate to the other person’s intentions. Consider asking the following questions:

• Can you explain the thought process behind what you said/did?
• I took that to mean [your interpretation]. Is that what you meant to say/do?

Respond with grace when someone hurts you

When you have asked for clarity and gotten your response, you might take another moment to process this new information and then try to respond with composure. You don’t necessarily need to be right about what happened, but it may help to be transparent about how it affected you.

If you come to understand that the situation was a misunderstanding, then it may be best to accept this and forgive the person for their words or actions. By letting them know what hurt you, you may help them to avoid hurting you and others in the future. 

Know your limits and safeguard your mental health

Not all instances of hurt feelings are unintentional, and not all people are going to be open or willing to change their behaviors. In these cases, you might prioritize safeguarding yourself. This may mean enforcing firm boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship (familial, platonic, romantic, or professional) in order to keep yourself safe.

It may help to communicate these boundaries clearly and follow through on the consequences associated. If that means cutting off contact with this particular person, then it may be best to do so, as difficult as that may be.

Also, if you feel unsafe in a situation, prioritize your safety first. It may help to find support in removing yourself from the situation safely. You can contact the following helplines if you feel your boundaries are being ignored and you are in an unsafe environment.

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
• Trevor Project Lifeline (LGBTQ Lifeline): (866) 488-7386

Where to find support for your mental health

Some people may find that they could use some professional support to help them address comments or actions that hurt them and maintain personal boundaries. If you would like help with learning how to respond when someone hurts you, you may benefit from talking to a licensed counselor. If you feel hesitant to discuss your hurt feelings in a therapist’s office, you might benefit from online therapy. 

With online therapy at BetterHelp, you can be matched with a licensed therapist in approximately 48 hours. You get to decide how you prefer to communicate with your therapist, such as by audio, video, live chat, or any combination of these methods. You can also message your therapist in between sessions through in-app messaging, and they’ll get back to you as soon as they can.

Additionally, research has shown that online therapy is effective for a variety of mental health concerns. One study published in 2017 found that online therapy was effective for generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, depression, phobias, and substance use disorder, among other conditions.

If you are struggling with substance use, contact the SAMHSA National Helpline at (800) 662-4357 to receive support and resources. Support is available 24/7.