How To Set Boundaries In Friendship Without Losing Your Connection
We often think of the ideal friendship as one in which we can share everything. While having deep emotional intimacy with a friend can be valuable, you may also need to establish healthy boundaries. Without them, a formerly life-giving bond can become draining, intrusive, or even toxic.
Talking with a friend about boundaries is often easier if you frame it in terms of your needs rather than what they’re doing wrong. You can explain that you need to set some limits to avoid becoming burned out or resentful and damaging your friendship.
Why setting boundaries in friendship is important
You likely don’t have a well-defined agreement outlining your friendship (and no, exchanging “BFF” necklaces when you were 12 doesn’t count!). This isn’t necessarily a bad thing — the informal nature of friendship can give you the freedom to express your authentic self.
However, without a mutual understanding of what kinds of behaviors are acceptable, one friend may end up doing things that make the other feel overwhelmed, uncomfortable, disrespected, or used. If these issues go unspoken, resentment and frustration can build up until it threatens the bond between friends.
This is where boundaries may come in handy. As defined by the American Psychological Association (APA), boundaries exist to “protect the integrity of a person or group” or to enable them to “set realistic limits” on their engagement. In other words, we set boundaries to keep a relationship from compromising our identities or demanding more than we can give.
Here are a few common scenarios that may require you to set boundaries with friends:
They don’t respect your time
Some friends may be a little too eager to spend time with you. As a result, they’re constantly messaging, calling, coming over, and trying to make plans to hang out.
Even if their intentions are good, this can wind up cutting into the time you have for romantic relationships, other friends, work, or simply relaxing and recharging. At that point, you may need to set some boundaries about when and how often your friend can contact you.
They disrespect your values
While people naturally gravitate toward those with similar beliefs and opinions, it can be beneficial to have friends with whom you don’t always see eye-to-eye. That said, this kind of friendship may require you to “agree to disagree.” If you have a friend who frequently talks disparagingly about your moral values, political views, religious beliefs, or other strongly held convictions, it may be time for some friendship boundaries.
You’re becoming emotionally overwhelmed
Talking about the hardships in your lives can be an important aspect of any friendship, and it often brings people closer together. Most of us have limits to how much support we can provide, though. If your friend only ever seems to want to talk about what’s going wrong in their life, or you’re constantly trying to make them feel better, it can place a strain on your own emotional well-being.
Establishing emotional boundaries may benefit both you and your friend. If they’re venting about their problems to you instead of trying to work on them, setting a limit may prompt them to seek the mental health care they need or make other healthy changes in their life
The friendship feels one-way
Healthy friendships generally involve some give and take. Sometimes, though, it can seem like you’re always giving and never getting anything back. Maybe they frequently borrow money without offering repayment, or perhaps they talk endlessly about their problems without listening to yours.
Whatever form it takes, this kind of selfishness is one of the most common types of friendship-ending behaviors. Setting healthy boundaries about how much they can ask from you may be difficult but necessary
Their words or actions make you uncomfortable
Friends can sometimes cause major discomfort without meaning to. One common example is the “TMI friend” — the person who shares details of their sex life that you really don’t want to hear. Or you might have a friend who’s more comfortable with physical touch than you are and often intrudes into your personal space. A more serious scenario could involve a friend talking about things that bring up past trauma for you.
In other cases, a friend’s behavior may conflict with your ethical values. They might be openly cheating on their romantic partner while you’re hanging out or asking you to bend the rules for them at your workplace. They might also be indulging in self-destructive behavior such as excessive use of alcohol or drugs — in this case, refusing to set boundaries may be a form of enabling.
Your friend wants more than friendship
Creating boundaries with friends can also mean ensuring that you stay “just friends”. You may have to set firm limits if your friend develops romantic feelings for you, wants you to join their business venture, or asks you to provide them with professional services.
How to set and maintain boundaries in friendship and make them stick
It can feel awkward to try to create boundaries in a friendship for the first time can feel awkward. You may feel guilty or worry that you’ll push your friend away. Here are some tips to have a productive conversation that will support a healthy friendship.
Define your friendship boundaries in advance
Making a list of the specific boundaries you’ll need to set can be helpful to make a list of the specific boundaries you’ll need to set. This can be easier if you group them into categories like:
- Time boundaries: How much time can you devote to the friendship? When do you need your friend to leave you alone?
- Space boundaries: What kinds of physical touch are you okay with from your friend? Are there areas in your life where you’d prefer them not to intrude?
- Emotional boundaries: Does your friend act in ways that are placing a strain on your emotional or mental health?
- Intellectual boundaries: Has your friend been dismissing your opinions or belittling your beliefs?
- Moral boundaries: What are you not comfortable with your friend asking you to do?
- Property boundaries: Do you need to have a conversation with your friend about disrespecting your possessions?
- Relationship boundaries: Has the friendship started to intrude on your family relationships, love life, or career? Do you need to make it clear that this is a friendship and not a romance?
You don’t necessarily need to come up with answers for all of the above. The idea here is to identify where you need clearer boundaries, not to draw up a detailed contract for your friendship.
Emphasize what the friendship means to you
The conversation will likely go better if you begin by expressing how much you value your connection with your friend. You can let them know you’ve been feeling upset, exhausted, or confused. Explain that your goal is to make sure you’re on the same page so that a misunderstanding doesn’t get in the way of your friendship.
Discuss your feelings honestly
As you discuss the boundaries you’re trying to establish, it’s often a good idea to keep the focus on your own emotions, limits, and needs. Using statements about how you feel, rather than emphasizing your friend’s behavior, can promote a sense of empathy and compassion and keep them from feeling like they’re being accused and judged.
At the same time, you’ll generally want to be as clear and specific as possible. Instead of a vague statement like, “Sometimes I feel overwhelmed when we talk,” consider something like “I feel like all we talk about is how bad you’re feeling about [X]. I’m getting burned out from trying to be your therapist as well as your friend.”
Hear them out, but stick to your boundaries
Your friend will almost certainly have some things to say in return. It can be important to listen to them and acknowledge their perspective respectfully.
If they’re upset, you may wind up feeling bad. However, it can be crucial to avoid backing down from your boundaries or apologizing for outlining your emotional needs. While some amount of negotiation may be necessary, you should have an idea of what your “hard lines” are and avoid allowing your friend to cross them.
Remain firm going forward
The real work of setting boundaries often happens after the initial conversation. Changing ingrained habits can take months, and in the meantime, your friend may occasionally bump up against the boundaries you’ve established.
When this happens, you can gently but firmly remind them that you’ve talked about this behavior and asked them to respect your boundaries. Hopefully, they may apologize and make an effort to avoid it in the future.
If they continue to challenge, dismiss, or ignore your boundaries, you may need to think about whether maintaining this friendship is healthy for you.
Get help from a therapist
Establishing and enforcing boundaries in your life isn’t always easy, especially if you wrestle with difficulties like social anxiety or a lack of self-confidence. Support from a therapist can help you develop the skills you need to maintain healthy relationships.
For many people, the process of finding a mental health counselor can be stressful, confusing, and frustrating. Online therapy platforms like BetterHelp can make this easier by matching you with a licensed therapist with the specific expertise you need. This is often much faster and easier than going through traditional healthcare channels.
Current evidence indicates that engaging in therapy over the Internet can be just as effective as getting in-person treatment for a wide range of psychological challenges. Working with a therapist online can help you build the confidence and emotional insight you need to maintain healthy boundaries with your friends.
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